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December 2006...No Reviews This Month...But A Story Instead by
Jesus and Satan and the Holiday Surprise
"Dammit," Jesus cursed to himself. "I just can't get this stuff on straight."
Sitting in front of his fluorescent makeup mirror applying heavy eyeliner, Jesus was beginning to look very much like a cheap street whore. His face was caked in layers of white powder and his cheeks colored with so much bright red rouge that he appeared almost clownish. After carefully applying dense lavender lipstick, he reached down to pick up his black fishnet stockings. But just as he was pulling the first one into place, he heard a booming voice coming from above.
"What on EARTH do you think you're DOING?"
It was the voice of God, his father...condemning his activities, as usual.
"Oh please, Daddy, not tonight!" Jesus shouted upward as he rolled his eyes.
"No son of mine is going to go out looking like THAT!" God shouted loudly. "If your mother was alive she would be rolling over in her grave."
"But we don't even KNOW who my mother really was FOR SURE!" Jesus cried out as his eyes began to water a tiny bit. "My date is due to arrive soon, now JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"If I had known how you were going to turn out, I would have never allowed you to rise again from the dead in the first place," God mumbled to himself before climbing the cloudy stairs that led to nowhere.
"Daddy NEVER just lets me be who I AM!" Jesus cursed as he threw on his simple little black dress and climbed into his seven inch clogs.
A few minutes later the doorbell began to ring repeatedly. Jesus quickly scampered downstairs and opened up the door.
"Good boy!" Satan said as he scratched the fur on Jesus' head. "That's a good boy!"
"STOP DOING THAT!" Jesus protested loudly. For the moment, he had almost completely forgotten that he was a puppy.
Satan was dressed in pink leather and feathers from his head to his toes and he had on a frightfully eerie blond afro wig.
"Are we having one of our EPISODES?" he asked as he picked Jesus up, cradled him in his arms, and lightly scratched the fur underneath his snout.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...." Jesus showed his teeth a bit but was beginning to calm down.
Satan raised Jesus to eye-level and gave him a great big sloppy kiss.
"I love you, Jesus," he said.
"And I love you too, Satan," Jesus replied. "Now give me some TREATS!"
Satan popped a tiny cube of meat into Jesus' mouth as the odd pair headed outside and hopped into their lime green Pontiac. While Satan started the car, Jesus hopped up and noticed that there were three small children sitting in the back seat.
"I just love children," Jesus barked. "I just love all the little children of the world, of course, of course..."
"They're yours," Satan replied. "Go ahead and have a go at 'em."
And with that, Jesus leapt excitedly into the back seat and began killing and eating the children at a furious pace. As he tore at their skin with his teeth, the children giggled and sang a soft and soothing song of peace.
"These children are very, very GOOD!" Jesus cried as he wolfed down the last piece of breast meat. "Satan, you are my GOOD FRIEND!"
"Ah, much much more than a mere friend," Satan said, grinning wildly from ear to ear. Jesus hopped back into the front seat as Satan wiped his snout clean with a moist towelette.
At that very moment, a hole in the sky opened up and the Pontiac was pulled into a vacuum-like state into the clouds. The car sat motionless for a moment before God reached over and pulled the whole top clean off.
"Hey man," Satan warned. "Don't mess with my wheels!"
"Oh my, my my," God said as he recognized the driver. "Thank Heavens you're his date tonight. I was afraid Jesus was going out with another one of those troublemaking losers he's always getting involved with. This just proves that cats and dogs really CAN get along...if they WANT to."
Satan wasn't very fond of being reminded that he was a kitten. He reared his hind end way up high and the fur stood up on his back. He hissed as loud as he could, but he wasn't really frightening ANYONE.
"There, there," God said as he stroked Satan under his neck. "Who's the good pussy? Who's the very best pussy in the whole wide world?"
"Uh...I guess I am," Satan replied as he surrendered to God's tender touch. "I guess I am the good pussy."
"And you're going to take good care of my son tonight, right?" God asked.
"Mrowl," Satan whispered as he began playfully knocking about at God's beard with his paws.
"Stop that now," God commanded as he pulled back the clouds and tossed the car down, down, way back down to the earthly highway below.
Satan was purring as loud as the motor of his Pontiac as Jesus snuggled up close and nibbled at his neck. About five miles later, the pair pulled over into a large field of fresh clover and got out of the car.
"Hey, I smell something..." Satan said with a curious tone in his voice. "What is that I smell...?"
"I don't smell anything," Jesus said in a rather uncomfortable tone of voice.
"I am certain that I smell something!" Satan repeated. "What is it?"
"I...I TRIED to tell you but I didn't know HOW!" Jesus cried out as he lay down in the clover. "I...I...I'm PREGNANT!"
"So NOW I know what I smell..." Satan hissed. "I smell a RAT!"
As Jesus lifted his skirt to allow for natural childbirth, the head of a large black rat slowly presented itself to the world. But before the process could complete itself, Satan's instinct kicked in and he sunk his sharp teeth into the head of the rat child.
"Mmmmmm..." Satan said as he tore the head off the rat. "It just doesn't GET any fresher than THIS."
"You could at LEAST wait until I'm finished!" Jesus cried out as he tried to finish birthing the remainder of the rat. He pushed and pushed but the harder he pushed all he could feel was a dense heaviness inside his head.
"I...I think I'm going to be SICK!" Jesus shrieked as he threw his head forward, unloading a moist, warm mountain of vomit onto the body of the rat...whose large hairy tail was still partially looped inside his dripping mystery hole.
"You're so CRAZY!" Satan laughed as he lapped up the chunky vomit with his forked tongue.
The two laughed and laughed and laughed as Jesus wiped himself clean, stood up, and pulled his dress back into proper shape. The two critters embraced each other tenderly underneath the warm glow of the soft moonlight. After several lingering minutes of livid affection, Jesus let his paws liquefy so as to allow him to directly embrace Satan's terrific spinal cord.
The terrific spinal cord was hot and crunchy and it quickly crumbled into tiny pieces upon contact. As Jesus stared into the spinal cord particles, he could see a multitude of multicolored lights flashing on and off. The air turned cool and then warm and then cool again. Jesus placed the particles onto a compact mirror and scraped them into a line. As he introduced the material into his nostrils, he was transfixed and transformed. The transformation was real and excellent and it made him feel more and more doglike with a fishing pole.
Upon rubbing his eyes, Jesus was alarmed to find Satan laying completely motionless in the clover.
"Satan! Satan!" Jesus screamed. "Satan, don't leave me this way!"
"Then exactly what way should I leave you?"
It was Satan's voice that Jesus was hearing. Though his body had expired, Satan's spirit had become a three-dimensional vapor with casual attendance properties. Jesus stared at the vision of Satan's face that appeared inside the walls of the vapor. He stood on his tippy toes and twirled in circles, praying for the future of his lifelong partner.
"Let us have HOT DOGS now!" Satan squealed with niggerish delight.
Jesus pulled up his skirt and sat on the soft, dreamy blanket in the meadow. Satan's vapor enveloped him and allowed the nervous rocket squirrels to fixate on their leader. On a bright green platter lay three of the largest, thickest hot dogs that either of them had ever seen.
"One for you and one for me," Satan whispered.
"And one for BABY makes THREE!" Jesus laughed as he lobbed his own oversized credentials onto the platter. "Take, eat...for my hefty bobbers are the salvation of the baby and the kingdom and the power, forever and ever...AMEN."
"Jesus, you're CRAZY.." said the vapor of Satan as it shoved a hot dog down its talking hole without chewing and poked at the bobbers. "...but you will always be the man of my dreams."
"Happy Holidays to all who have submitted materials," Jesus shouted with his very best cornball conviction. "For it is THEY that shall INHERIT the goddamn EARTH."
The pair nuzzled their homosexual pet snouts together and licked away happily as their lollipop world filled to the brim with fresh whipped cream and teeny tiny sugar knoblets.
Jesus and Satan were fortunate furballs indeed because they were able to actually find what so few are unable to find...TRUE LOVE.
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