LMNOP: February 2025.

The Most Wonderful Party Of All Time

Get ready and hold onto your seat. You are invited to The Most Wonderful Party Of All Time. And it starts...RIGHT NOW!
Can you hear the song that is playing at the party? It's "Jingle Jangle" by The Archies. Everybody loves this song so they begin to dance. But of all the dancers YOU are the very best. Everyone is looking at you and applauding. This is already a great party, isn't it? Of course it is. Now let's look at the Schedule of Events (twelve in all) that will happen in real time as you are reading them.

Event #1: Streamer Fun.

It is now nine o'clock PM. As the clock begins to strike, everyone is given magical streamers and instructed to jig around the party lawn making their streamers dance and wiggle with pensive delight. The streamers are all kinds of colors. Ice pick red, bumblebee blue, oh-my-god orange, golly-oh-gosh green...and MORE even. Look at everyone prancing and skipping past one another with their colorful streamers. Isn't this party fun? Of course it is. You love being at the party. And this is because it is wonderful. It is the most wonderful party of all time.

Event #2: Budget Punch for All.

Everyone discards their streamers into the Appropriate Dumpster and then trots over to the Possibility Table where there is a huge Budget Punch Bowl full of Melted Cheese. A large laughing fat lady plops the cheese into Sissy Cups and then gives one to everyone at the party. Watch and marvel at how quickly everyone consumes the cheese. It doesn't have any alcohol in it, but it does have a Special Ingredient that has an immediate effect on everyone. Suddenly we are all laughing. We are laughing so hard that we can hardly control ourselves. Now we are all falling onto the grass rolling around in circles. As we finish our cheese we toss our cups into the dumpster.

Event #3: The Eating of the Fifty Foot Sloppy Weasel Cake.

Turn around and look fast because the Tip-Top Chefs are placing the Fifty Foot Sloppy Weasel Cake on the big party table in the middle of the lawn. The cake is infused with ten million different flavors and fifteen deep feet of thick sugar icing. Everyone grabs a chunk of the cake and crams it into their jowels. They crunch and they munch until there is nothing to bunch no more. The cake makes everyone very excited and this is because they know a very special guest is about to arrive.

Event #4: Euphoria The Witch-Fairy Grants Everyone An Extra Special Wish.

A sudden silence consumes everything within hearing distance as Euphoria The Witch-Fairy gently descends from the clouds above. Her gown is made of silk that was imported from Birmingham, Alabama and her hair flows like beautiful mountain fudge slices. As her feet touch the ground Euphoria lowers her diamond wand and informs everyone that they now possess an Extra Special Wish that can be used for anything they please. But she also informs everyone that their wish won't be active until the next morning. This is because Euphoria knows that after a party like this everyone will need something to look forward to afterwards. Before Euphoria leaves she responds to one of the attendees who shouts a question. Not surprisingly, the answer is YES. You absolutely can use your Extra Special Wish to wish for more Extra Special Wishes.

Event #5: Happy Painting Fun.

The big grass lawn is now a big sprawling canvas. Everyone at the party is given ten gallons of paint and informed to use their hair for brushes. The painting begins. It's a mighty crazy time now as huge amounts of colored paint blob around all over the place, making the party look something like a three-dimensional Salvador Dali painting on steroids. Just as the paint is drying everyone takes their special places near the dance floor. And this is because a big contest is about to begin.

Event #6: Dance Contest With A Gigantic Prize.

Thump thump thump. Feel the intensity of 50,000 watts of bass and drum as the Dance Contest begins. Thump thump thump. Look at everyone dance. Thump thump thump. Notice how stupid everyone looks while they are dancing. Thump thump thump. The judges walk in and saunter around giving everyone bitter condescending looks. Thump thump thump. The judges have very high standards. Finally the music stops and the Head Judge takes the microphone to announce the winner. The great news...is that the winner is YOU. And this is because you are the best dancer in the world.

Event #7: All Behold The Emperor-Sized Hookah.

As the canvas transforms into plush gold carpet everyone suddenly flops down for a rest. As they try to catch their breath a teeny tiny Hookah rises up through the carpet. It has five hundred breathing tubes attached to it. As Euphoria exits the party she instructs everyone to grasp a tube and inhale. The participants like the taste of whatever is in the Hookah very much. They breathe in and out deeply. This puts them in a trance. Everyone is suddenly smiling and very very calm. But that is about to end because a familiar song is starting to play.

Event #8: Major Hoppy Time.

The familiar refrain of Bobby Sherman's "Easy Come, Easy Go" blasts over the speakers and there's a sudden dense thud causing the ground to vibrate. Thud, thud, thud. What IS that sound? Suddenly everyone realizes what the sound is. It is Hamster Bunny who has just hopped his way into the middle of everything. Hamster Bunny is the largest rabbit in the universe. He is over fifty feet tall and weighs two million tons. As he hops he raises his paws to command everyone to join him. The crowd was already excited by the Bobby Sherman song. And now they're even more excited because they are all hopping in unison. Thud, thud, thud. Hopping is fun. Hopping is lots and lots of fun. This is the best party ever.

Event #9: Bingo.

The party continues as everyone is seated at school lunch tables with Bingo Cards placed in front of them. A dusty old librarian appears and begins slowly reading out the Bingo numbers. Everyone is genuinely bored to tears and they begin booing the librarian. As she sasses her way out the librarian looks at everyone and hisses. She puts all the Bingo cards in a duffle bag and runs off in a huff. Everyone seems confused by Event #9 because it doesn't seem to have any connection to anything else.

Event #10: The Biggest Modeling Event Ever.

Put on your most spectacular all-meat outfit and get ready because you are about to be a part of The Biggest Modeling Event Ever. The runway is lined with priceless jewels and there are pulsing L.E.D. lights on both sides. "Yummy Yummy Yummy" by The Ohio Express begins to play as the modeling event begins. Watch everyone do their very best to impress with their clothing and overall aura. Isn't it great fun having everyone admire you and your beautiful clothes? Of course it is. Everyone loves to be admired. Everyone seems to be getting positive responses but there is one participant who stands out above all the rest. And do you know who that is? It is you, of course. And that is because you have just WON. An impressive gold crown is placed on top your head, a deep red cape is draped across your shoulders, and a huge platinum trophy is given to you. Everyone wishes they could be as beautiful and incredible as you are. What a great and wonderful person you are. Truly great and wonderful. You are feeling on top of the world. But all of a sudden an disturbed old disabled man waddles up and grabs your crown and cape. With anger in his eyes he proclaims that you have lost. And, unfortunately, he is correct. You are now a loser. A loser with absolutely nothing.

Event #11: Presents For the Most Wonderful Person Of All Time.

You were brought down to earth in Event #10 so that you would ultimately be brought back up again now. You have been sobbing into the palms of your hands for several minutes. But suddenly everyone at the party rushes toward you bearing gifts. They are all chanting, "We love you. We love you." Hundreds of presents are placed at your feet. You begin opening them to find cars, jewels, extraordinary toys, real estate and more. Just about everything you always wanted is now yours. You quickly forget all about the Modeling Event. Who cares about that when you've got everything you always wanted...and more?

Event #12: The Ringing of The Final Bell.

The sound of a large pipe organ rises in the background as a teeny tiny mouse crawls up on top of the highest peak around. He holds up a three-ton brass bell and strikes it with his teeny tiny mallet. The low resonant sound of the bell informs everyone that the party is over and it is now time to go home. But just before he leaves, the mouse leans over toward you and whispers a secret message:

"Don't worry. There will be another party tomorrow at nine o-clock!"

As the clock strikes nine, you are suddenly transported back to Event #1 when the first party began. Re-read everything you have just read and experience it all over again. You can do this as many times as you like so that you are experiencing The Most Wonderful Party Of All Time every single day for the rest of your life. Why have you been given such a wonderful opportunity? Because you are the greatest person of all time. The greatest, most beautiful and most incredible person EVER.

END

Entertainment & Music News

* The cool folks at Canada's 604 Decades have released a reissue of Movieland's Then & Now album. The Vancouver-based band's music has been compared to mega-cool bands like The Jesus & Mary Chain and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Nifty stuff! * We're huge fans of early television pioneer Ernie Kovacs so this next item really caught our attention. This year the Estate of Ernie Kovacs released the long lost final episode of Take A Good Look. It's been over sixty years since this was first seen. Wonderful news for fans of the man. But even more wonderful is the release of Ernie's comedy album Mayhem in the AM: The Lost Radio Comedy of Ernie Kovacs. But the best news of all is that the fine folks at Clown Jewels will be offering more unreleased and re-released video and audio from Kovacs in the coming months. YOW! * The determined folks at the Public Eyesore label continue in their mission to release the obscure and the unpredictable for listeners seeking to tread in unfamiliar territories. Just released in 2025 is the long-awaited album White Wuff by Dennis Palmer, who many will remember as the founder of the band Shaking Ray Levis. The album was originally slated for release way back in 2013 but Palmer's untimely death that year put the project on indefinite hold. But over the years Bob Stagner (who plays drums on the album) and engineer Steve Hickman finished mixing and arranging the tracks into this, the final album. In addition to Palmer and Stager, these tracks also feature the talents of Jessica Lurie, Frank Pahl and Bruce Hampton. Hats off to the label for making this one available to the public. Also released on the eh? label (an arm of Public Eyesore) is an independent cassette from Amanda Irarrazabal + Marco Albert entitled og-. This five track album was recorded by Amanda (double bass, processing, voice and modular synthesizers) and Marco Albert (voice feedback, loops, processing). Strange unpredictable stuff that is decidedly non-commercial and adventurous. * Underground one man band Chick Boyd (aka Charles Boyd) has a new album out entitled Gay Like Me. This Canadian artist self-released this seventeen song album on which he wrote, produced and performed everything. * To get 2025 rolling on a positive note Germany's Tapete Records label has released a new album by The Loft entitled Everything Changes Everything Stays The Same. This British band began way back in the 1980s releasing music on the Creation Records label. Many may remember that The Loft split up mid-way through a performance in front of 3,000 people. The album was produced by Sean Read and features original band members Pete Astor (guitar, vocals), Andy Strickland (guitar), Bill Prince (bass) and Dave Morgan (drums). * If you remember when the original wave of underground print magazines arose in the 1980s and 1990s (or even if you don't) you're likely to get a mighty positive charge from the words and photographs of Athens, Georgia's SM Piotrowski. SM uses print magazines and an online presence to express viewpoints and publish photographs and it's all done with style and personality. The writing is particularly excellent. Piotrowski self-publishes Phases of the Moon (a mini magazine), Moonshot and Hold Still (published monthly) and has an online presence at https://selenographer.info. At a point in time when so many only publish online, creating hard copies makes this individual's material really stand out from the crowd. We get the impression that the main motivation here is genuine self-expression. Cool stuff. * Lacey, Washington-based recording artist The Lamplighter has just self-released a new five song EP entitled Terrible Mind. This one man band originally got his start playing in the bands 12 Inch Rulers and It's Casual and then took a break for a few years before resurfacing in 2022. The tracks on Terrible Mind recall the 1990s when all hell was breaking loose in the world of underground music. You'd never know these tracks were recorded by a single individual. They have a loud pulsing intensity one usually associates with full live bands. Kickass cuts include "White Lies," "God Salesman" and "Echos." * The Evanston, Indiana-based band whitewolfsonicprincess (one word, all lower case) has a new album out entitled Love Without Fear. This band's music has been described as Celtic blues and neo-psychedelic folk/rock, both of which apply. This well-conceived and well-produced album features cool moody tracks with excellent arrangements and reflective vocals. Recorded by Taylor Hales, this album has a nice thick progressive vibe. Love Without Fear is housed in a nice thick colorful cardboard sleeve and includes a lyric booklet. * To get 2025 off to a kickass start the fine folks at Think Like A Key are reissuing not one but two Ex Norwegian albums: Crack (originally released in 2013) and Wasted Lines (recorded with Lucia Perez and Fernando Perdomo in 2014). Both are required listening, of course, of course. * Some about The Substance. An associate suggested we see the motion picture The Substance. We took their advice and saw it. WHEW. No wonder there have been so many mixed opinions on this one. The Substance is one of the sickest things we have ever seen. The story is fantastic and hypnotic. There were several instances where we had to shield our eyes because it was making us so uncomfortable. There are many reasons why this movie resonates with us. It involves several topics that have been integral parts of our lives: self-image problems, self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies, hypodermic needles and using cardboard photos of other people's faces to shield others from recognizing us. Hell, one of the main characters is even named Sue (!). What impressed us most about The Substance is that the ideas presented have stuck with us long after the movie ended. Readers should note here that the piece above (The Most Wonderful Party Of All Time) was written before we were exposed to this entertainment spectacle. The similarities are just coincidental. Over time, we believe The Substance will be recognized as one of the landmark motion pictures of the twenty-first century. It is different and adventurous and it examines many superficial elements of humanity that have caused so much grief and anxiety for so many for such a long time. Many folks obviously hate The Substance. This is not surprising. It is definitely not for everyone. Gripping and intense stuff that is truly different. * Yet another peculiar coincidence. We finally came across two books that we’ve been searching for: Copy-Cat and More About Copy-Cat by Helen and Alf Evers. The books explore the psychology of a small confused kitten who gets his kicks running around mimicking other animals. Published in 1937 and 1940, these two books are extraordinarily well-written and they feature fantastic illustrations. In the world of books, things don’t get much better than this. For many years we had stopped reading books entirely until we realized why. Books written for adults require way too much time and effort. In 2025 the only things worth reading are children's books from the 1890s to the 1960s. *