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Poetry by
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Poetry by
APPLE
An apple a day
Makes the doctor
Put on a big ol' frilly skirt
And twirl around in circles
Like a retarded goddamn
Ballerina.(May 2008)
CUT OFF
Cut off your arms.
Cut off your legs.
Cut off your head.
Cut 'em all off.
(May 2008)
RELIGIOSITY
Religion causes
Cancer.(May 2008)
HEAT
Carry a gun to
School.(May 2008)
GOAT INVENTIONS
The road to
Happiness is paved with
Goat inventions.(May 2008)
SOULS
All the millions upon millions
Of lost souls in the world.
Fuck 'em.(May 2008)
SPORT
Throw the ball.
Catch the ball.
Run after the ball.
Drop the ball and
Cry.(May 2008)
WIVES
All men are turned
Off by their
Wives.(May 2008)
LITTLE OLD
Little old ladies
Smell like little old
Babies.(May 2008)
WIPE YOUR ASS
Wipe your ass with your hand.
Wipe your ass with your driver's license.
Wipe your ass with your money.
Wipe your ass with your birth certificate.
Wipe your ass with your family photographs.
Wipe your ass with your social security card.
Wipe your ass with your computer.
Wipe your ass with your cell phone.
Wipe your ass with your children.
Wipe your ass with your mailbox.
Wipe your ass with your furniture.
Wipe your ass with your pets.
Wipe your ass with your occupation.
Wipe your ass with your insects.
Wipe your ass with your veins.
Wipe your ass with your liver.
Wipe your ass with your nostrils.
(May 2008)
SUPERVISOR
Beat on your supervisor
Until it is
Dead.(May 2008)
THINGS
All things is just plain
Wrong.
(May 2008)
CUP
Throw up into a cup.
Drink from the cup until
You are full.
Throw up into a cup.
Drink from the cup until
You are full.
Throw up into a cup.
Drink from the cup until
You are full.
Throw up into a cup.
Drink from the cup until
You are full.
(May 2008)
TELL YOUR CHILDREN
Tell your children that there is no Santa Clause.
Tell your children that there is no God.
Tell your children that you do not love them.
Tell your children that there is no reason to live.
Tell your children that the world is a terrible place.
Tell your children that you wish they had never been born.
Tell your children that you won't be there when they need you.
Tell your children that there is no life after death.
Tell your children
The truth.(May 2008)
MARY HAD
Mary had a little lamb,
She cut off all its nipples
And everywhere that Mary went
She got knocked up by cripples.(April 2008)
HAIRY MAD
Hairy Mad, the little blotch,
With sneeze and glossy browers
And fairly where the congos bent
Her freezie fists benched blouse.
(April 2008)
GRAMMAR
Where oh where is Grammar?
She's out in the fields
All covered with blood
Where the trees and the clovers
Grow.(April 2008)
STABBED BABIES
Babies that are stabbed
During the first three months of life
Are ten times more likely
To succeed.(April 2008)
GOD BLESS
God bless
This food that we are about to eat.
God bless
Our blenders and our washing machines.
God bless
The feces that rests quietly at the bottom of our septic tanks.(April 2008)
CHUNKS
When she was whole
She was such an old nag.
Now she's just chunks
In a bag.(April 2008)
TURNS
Let's take turns so that
Every turn we make
Will be a wrong turn.(April 2008)
WHAT WOMEN WANT
Women want to be
Men.(April 2008)
GREEN FINGERS
Black and white
And everything in between.
God hates them all so much
That his fingers turn green.(April 2008)
SITTING ON A WALL
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Sat on the wall too.
Everybody sat on the stupid goddamn
Wall.(April 2008)
DEMOCRATIC FAILURE
Democracies will always fail
Because the majority of people
Will always vote for the wrong
Person.(April 2008)
SCRAMBLED EGG
Scrambled egg.
My ex-wife hopped off on her one leg.
She took me to court and made me beg.
Oh I believe in scrambled egg.Suddenly I'm one-tenth the man I used to be.
I can't get it up or even pee.
Oh scrambled egg...did this to me.Why she had to go I suppose
She hated me.
I said something smart now I fart
And she smells partially
Digested egg.(April 2008)
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
Public transportation
Is a bad idea because
It moves people around
Who really need to stay in one
Place.(April 2008)
PLASTICIZED CORPSE
Oh I wish I were a plasticized corpse.
That is what I'd truly like to be.
'Cause if I were a plasticized corpse
Everyone would be in love with me.(March 2008)
BISEXUAL DILEMMA
Pussy or dick.
Pussy or dick.
One or the other,
Make your mind up
Quick.(March 2008)
BLUEBIRDS DIE
If happy little bluebirds die
Beyond the rainbow,
Why oh why
Can't I?
(March 2008)
MAGIC SHIT
Take a magic shit
And put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away.
Take a magic shit
And put it in your pocket,
Save it for a
Rainy day.(March 2008)
SEA MONKEYS
Eat a goddamn plate full of
Fried sea monkeys.(March 2008)
FELLOWS
Hate your fellow woman.
Hate your fellow man.
Hate your fellow children.
Hate your goddamn fellows.(March 2008)
WRONG PEOPLE
The people have spoken
And, as usual,
They are
Wrong.(March 2008)
CADAVERS
All the king's horses and
All the king's men
Dined on cadavers and
Farted again.(March 2008)
COLLEGE SHOOTINGS
When you are sad and
Don't know what to do
College shootings will
Save you from the blues.(March 2008)
EXPONENTIAL PROBLEM
Some people
Don't want any children
While others want
As many as
Possible.(March 2008)
UGLY TOO
The world is ugly,
Your friends are too.
Your body is ugly
And so are you.(March 2008)
SCREW IT
Our economy is in terrible shape.
Screw it.
Global warming is destroying our environment.
Screw it.
People are killing each other all over the world.
Screw it.
Everything is totally messed up to the point of no return.
Screw it.(March 2008)
NAN
I threw my baby
In a garbage can and
Two weeks later
I named it
Nan.(March 2008)
ORIGINAL MESSAGES
Hi. I am in a band called BLRJJJ-389
And we just released a new CD called Crinny-Slaw Binse.
Would you be interested in reviewing it on your web site?
Hi. I am in a band called UNBER-VUIEEE
And we just released a new CD called Song for Song Song.
Would you be interested in reviewing it on your web site?
Hi. I am in a band called RICTA BOWBOW PIZZ
And we just released a new CD called Quibb Quibb Pie Pie.
Would you be interested in reviewing it on your web site?
Hi. I am in a band called NOBBLE DEEMIE DEE
And we just released a new CD called Crummy Home Recorded Dribble.
Would you be interested in reviewing it on your web site?
Hi. I am in a band called YEEEEEEEEEEE, THE CRISPEST NOODLE BITS
And we just released a new CD called Ting-Tong Tina and Her Trebbly Tent.
Would you be interested in reviewing it on your web site?
(March 2008)
BARACK IRAQ SADDAM HUSSEIN OSAMA OBAMA
Barack Iraq
Saddam Hussein
Osama Obama.A name you can trust.
(February 2008)
ERNEST ANGLEY'S REQUEST
Say "Baby."
Say "Jesus."
Say "Baby."
Say "Jesus."Now say "Baby Jesus"
You retarded
Sheepsters.(February 2008)
PUPPY EATING CONTEST
Puppy Eating Contest
Is competition for seeing
Who is ability for
Eating most newborn puppy
In one sitting.(February 2008)
INCISIONS
Make one inch incision
In forearm.
Now make two inch deep incision
In back of neck.
Then make four inch deeper incision
In lower abdomen.
Keep making plenty more incision
Until satisfaction is
Reaching.(February 2008)
YO-YO WITH NOODLE
Happy playtime
What is small round toy
On string.
After playtime is
Finishing, nourishment
With extra spicy
Noodle.(February 2008)
HOMOSEXUAL SOCIAL
Ugly world of
Homosexual social
Center around superficial thought
With unhealthy focus
On material thing
And sex organ.(February 2008)
JUST LIKE PARENT
One day child
Is grow up to be
Just like parent.
Fill with same guilt,
Confusion, and mental
Disturbing.(February 2008)
RESTAURANT REGRET
Am to become
Very tiring of constant for
Working in restaurant.
Stir fry and cook and
Stir fry and cook every
Day of life.
Always try pleasing for American
Customer who is
Never really for
Pleasing.(February 2008)
HUMAN TRAFFICKING
Human trafficking
Very good thing.
Can buy every other thing,
Now people no
Exception.(February 2008)
PRETTY BALLOON
Pretty balloon
All cover with blood
To hover high in sky.
Bluebird fly into for
Causing of burst.Now red bird
Fly funny.
(February 2008)
HUMPTY DUMPTY HO HUM
Humpty Dumpty
Sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty
Had a great fall.
All the king's horses and
All the king's men
Didn't give a damn and
Went home.(February 2008)
ME AND BOBBY McOIL
Freedom is just
Another word for
Oil.(January 2008)
GREEN
Green, green, green.
Shut up about
Green.(January 2008)
I'M THE MOMMY, THAT'S WHY
Why do I get to stay up late at night?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.
Why do I get to drive a car and you don't?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.
Why do I get to beat the dog when I get angry?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.
Why do I get to eat and you don't?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.
Why do I get to do whatever I want while you stay locked in a closet bound with duct tape?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.
Why do I get to sniff and snort and shoot fun things all day long?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.
Why do I get to screw with your head whenever I feel like it?
I'm the Mommy, that's why.(January 2008)
LAURA BUSH'S TURDS
Laura's turds
Are so warm and slender
Swimming 'round
Inside a blender.(January 2008)
ASSHOLES OF TOMORROW
The children of today
Are the assholes of
Tomorrow(January 2008)
WORLD NO WORLD
There's a world outside
But there is no
World.(January 2008)
BENAZIR BUTTHOLE
Benazir Butthole was a wonderful woman.
Benazir Butthole contributed so much to society.
Benazir Butthole was a kind and giving lady.
But now Benazir Butthole is just a pile of
Motionless bones and rotting
Flesh.(January 2008)
EVERYBODY ALL AT ONCE
Everybody clap your hands together.
Everybody march together for charity.
Everybody sing together in unison.
Everybody get really angry together and
Tear each other to shreds.(January 2008)
SEE THE REAL UGLY
Look into the sky and
See the ugly.
Look out over the ocean and
See the ugly.
Look into the eyes of your friends and
See the ugly.
Look into the mirror and
See the real ugly.(January 2008)
SCIENCE AND HISTORY
Science is a wonderful waste of time.
History is a wonderful waste of time.
Science is wonderful and
History is wonderful but
They are both just a waste
Of time.(January 2008)
TERMINAL BATHROOM
Go to the bathroom
And never come out again.(January 2008)
GODDAMN MUHAMMAD
Muhammad this,
Muhammad that.
Muhammad got porked
In a laundromat.(January 2008)
ROCK AND ROLL LIKE RETARDS
Rock and roll
You idiots.
Everybody dance
Like retards.
Let's all get drunk
So that we can
Rock and roll
Like retards.(January 2008)
BEAUTY NO BEAUTY
If there is beauty
In everything
Why is there no
Beauty in
Anything?(January 2008)
PIG PEOPLE
Deep down inside
All people are
Lying, cheating,
Self-absorbed
Pigs.(January 2008)
babysue'S REPETITIVE VENOM
I just don't understand you babysue people at all.
All you do is criticize and complain
And tear everyone to shreds.
Why are you so angry at the world?
Do you think it is cool to cut everyone down?
Well, it isn't.
Your thoughts and ideas may have been interesting
At one point in time but now they are just
Repetitive and boring.
If you hate society so much why don't you
Just give up and kill yourselves?
Do us all a favor and lighten up.
Your kind of humor isn't the least bit
Funny at all.
And by the way, your poetry
Sucks.(January 2008)
OPRAH, HOW COULD YOU?
Oprah, how could you?
You got caught with your
Panties down.
Doin' things to them girliepoos
That you said was so wrong.See what you get
For tryin' to improve the world?
Slapped in the face with a lawsuit
For tryin' to mess around with them
Teenage girls.(November 2007)
WORLD UNITY
Goddamn the United States.
Goddamn China.
Goddamn Indonesia.
Goddamn Great Britain.
Goddamn Canada.
Goddamn Africa.
Goddamn Poland.
Goddamn France.
Goddamn Australia.
Goddamn Germany.Goddamn everywhere.
(November 2007)
GERMS
Our children are our
Germs.
Eradicate the
Germs.(November 2007)
DEMOCRATIC CHOICE
Force democracy
Down everyone's throats
So that no one
Will have a choice.(November 2007)
THE SHROUD OF WHO CARES
Did Jesus' body
Rot into a blanket
And leave an impression
Or did it not.Screw it.
(November 2007)
LOVE IS SHIT
Love is shit.
Shit is love.
Love is shitting,
Shitting love.
Love is asking
To be shit.(November 2007)
SPAIN VS. MEXICO REVISITED
Spain is beautiful.
Mexico is ugly.
Spain is exotic.
Mexico is depressing.
Spain has great music.
Mexico has unlistenable cheeze whiz.
Spain has magnificent architecture.
Mexico has run down shacks.
Spain is wonderful.
Mexico is a smelly pile of vomit.(November 2007)
DOING NOT DOING
Anything worth doing
Is not worth
Doing.(November 2007)
CROSS DUMP APPLAUD
While he was hanging
On the cross,
Bleeding and dying,
Jesus shit all over
Himself and
The crowd roared
With approval.(November 2007)
UTENSILS
You don't need
Forks and knives and spoons
To eat mushrooms.(November 2007)
COLUMBINE KIDS
Those Columbine kids
Were so groovy and cool.
They carried out dreams
Shared by everyone in school.(November 2007)
EXTREME
Extreme hair,
Extreme clothing,
Extreme wrestling,
Extreme music,
Extreme racing,
Extreme makeovers.When everything
Is extreme
Nothing is extreme
Anymore.(November 2007)
PET TARGETS
Shoot your pet.
Put a bullet in its
Head.
Keep on shooting
Until all your pets are
Dead.(November 2007)
BLOWING UP THE WORLD
The answer my friend is
Blowing up the world.
The answer is blowing up
The world.(November 2007)
FOR YOUR SINS
Jesus dyed his hair
For your sins.
Jesus knitted a lovely little white frock
For your sins.
Jesus coughed up a big greasy furball that had been irritating him for weeks
For your sins.
Jesus crushed up a bump and snorted it
For your sins.(October 2007)
PLANT ABUSE
Abuse a plant.
Cut it.
Burn it.
Threaten it and
Rape it.(October 2007)
HAVE A NICE LITTLE DAY
Have a nice little hour
And a nice little day
And a nice little week
Because next month you will be
Diagnosed with a fatal
Disease that has no
Cure.
(October 2007)
THE LOVE YOU SAVE
Stop the love you save
May be your own filthy
Crusted vomit stuck
On the bottom of the
Floor next to the
Toilet.(October 2007)
LEECHES
Friends are always great
Until you get to know them well
At which point they become
Nothing more than
Selfish, needy
Leeches.(October 2007)
JUMP ROPE
Goddamn your parents.
Goddamn your school.
Goddamn your job.
Goddamn your hobbies.
Goddamn your belongings.
Goddamn your clothes.
Goddamn your stupid goddamn
Jump rope.(October 2007)
FART ABOUT
Assholes fart about
Freedom because
They don't know
What else to
Fart about.(October 2007)
FACE OF THE INTERNET
The best thing
About the internet
Is that it makes it possible
To communicate with everyone
Under the sun without ever
Having to look at their
Ugly sickening
Faces.(October 2007)
THEIR MOST BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES
When someone close to you dies
Have them buried in
Their most beautiful clothes.
As they deteriorate and rot
They will slowly liquify and be absorbed by
Their most beautiful clothes.(October 2007)
TICKING LICKING
The clock is ticking.
Tick, tick, tick.
The dog is licking.
Lick, lick, lick.(October 2007)
SEXUAL DESIRES
Your shitty little
Sexual desires are
Pathetic and meaningless
In the big scheme of
Things.(October 2007)
FINGERS
Smell your fingers.
Think of all the things that
Your fingers have touched.
Look at your fingers.
Think of all the things that
Your fingers have done.Think of all the evil things
You have done with your fingers.
Think of all the horrible crimes
That you have committed
With your fingers.Now close your eyes and dream.
Your fingers are
Extensions of the
Devil that lives
Inside your
Soul.(October 2007)
CHARACTER
No one
Is a good judge of
Character.(October 2007)
NIGHTMARES
When we are young
We have dreams.
When we are old
We have dreams.
But in between
We have nothing but
Nightmares.(October 2007)
WHO-TECH JOKE
How do you greet
Pete Townsend?"Hi-Def!"
(September 2007)
JOIN THE ARMY
Join the army
If you are confused.
Join the army
If you are lonely.
Join the army
If you cannot decide what to do with your life.
Join the army
If you have no other choice.(September 2007)
SNITCHIN'
Stop snitchin'.
Don't tell the police nothing.
Stop schoolin'.
There ain't no reason to go to school no way.
Stop workin'.
All jobs is just a waste of time.
Stop breathin'.
Breathin' won't get you nowhere.(September 2007)
PIT BULL AND BABY FIGHTS
Traditional Dog Fights aren't
Fun anymore.
Pit Bull and Baby Fights
Are the new cool
Entertainment.Hint: Always bet on the
Pit Bull.(September 2007)
ALWAYS GIVE UP HOPE
When things look really, really bad,
Always give up hope.
When horrifying events occur in your life,
Toss your will to live aside.
When you are at the bottom of your rope,
Let go of the rope.
When there is nothing left to live for,
Give up and die.(September 2007)
TINY MAGNETS AND LEAD PAINT
Give your child
Tiny magnets covered with
Lead paint.
Give it tiny magnets.
Give it lead paint.
Give it tiny magnets
Covered with lead
Paint.(September 2007)
KILLERS
Fran killed Harold.
Harold killed Kate.
Kate killed Bobby and
Bobby killed Nate.(September 2007)
GLOBAL DUCK AND COVER
Global warming
Could destroy us all.
But just in case,
Duck and cover.(September 2007)
SPACEY
The space program
Is a waste.
Space exploration
Is a waste.(September 2007)
CUPCAKE LOVE
Vomit in a
Cupcake pan and
Place it in the oven.
Feed the cupcakes
To your friends to
Show 'em that
You love 'em.(September 2007)
WARM MOIST TURDS
Two warm moist turds
Sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love,
Then comes marriage.
Then comes five hundred more
Warm moist turds sloppily
Lobbed all over the place
In a goddamn baby carriage.(September 2007)
LOVE
Love is hate.
Hate is love.
Love is hating,
Hating love.
Love is asking
To be hated.(September 2007)
MICHAEL VICK
Let's all condemn
Michael Vick
For being cruel to
Animals.
When he gets
Convicted and
Thrown in jail
We will celebrate
By having great big
Steaks for
Dinner.
(September 2007)
MUSIC, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND GUILT
Thank you for the free music.
We will try to listen to it.We are so sorry that we
Did not have time to
Listen to the music.Now you feel disappointed
And we feel
Guilty.(September 2007)
PLASTIC TUBA
Sag and pucker
All the way from
Dixieland to Cuba.
Snort a milkshake
On the plane by using
Plastic tuba.(September 2007)
AIR GOD
God is like
Air.
Unnecessary and
Invisible.(September 2007)
DISPOSABLE
Disposable watches.
Disposable cameras.
Disposable telephones.
Disposable friends.
Disposable families.
Disposable memories.(August 2007)
SARCASTIC CHILDREN
Our children
Are sarcastic because
The things we teach them are
Stupid.(August 2007)
FAMILY VALUES
Family values
Offer guidance for
Assholes.(August 2007)
INJECTION
Inject yourself
With a substance that is
Lethal.(August 2007)
SPOT REMOVAL
Remove yourself
From the spot you're in
So that there will be
No evidence that you were
Here.(August 2007)
HEALTH DON'T CARE
Your health
Don't give a
Damn.(August 2007)
UNFAIR
Those who whine loudest
About unfairness in the world
Are those who don't deserve
A single goddamn thing.(August 2007)
BABY SKIN
Skin your baby,
Rip it off quick.
Muffle its screams with
A big hard
Stick.(August 2007)
BEST FRIENDS
God and Satan
Are the best of
Friends.(August 2007)
HABITAT FOR OUR VANITY
Let's all build crappy homes
For retarded losers so that we can
Brag about how kind and generous
We are.(August 2007)
HISTORICAL
History is
Shit.(August 2007)
OSAMA OBAMA
Obama good,
Osama bad.
Osama good,
Obama bad.
Ogama glood,
Goblama prad.
Flugrama kwood,
Schreglerama fnadd.(August 2007)
DOG FIGHT
Dog fight is
Good entertainment
Where one dog fight
Other dog to
Death.(August 2007)
GET OUT OF SCHOOL
The more you put
Into your schoolwork
The less you will
Get out.(August 2007)
DELICIOUS
All harsh chemicals are
Delicious.(August 2007)
EDUCATION
Schools teach children
How to hate one
Another.(August 2007)
THE BIG REWARD
If you work hard enough
You will eventually be rewarded
With nothing.(August 2007)
UNINTERESTING
Life and death are both
Equally uninteresting.(August 2007)
BEAUTIFUL LIGHT
The beautiful light in heaven
Will burn you into pieces
As you enter.(August 2007)
CHOICE
When given a choice
People will always
Make the wrong
Decision.(August 2007)
JESUS COLORS
Red and yellow,
Black and white.
Jesus hates them all.(August 2007)
TEAMWORK
If everyone works together
Nothing will ever get done.(August 2007)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Celebrate
Your goddamn birthday
With a shitty goddamn cake
And worthless goddamn
Presents.(August 2007)
WINE AND DINE
Wine and dine.
Wine and dine.
Stuff your fat jowels
All the time.(August 2007)
SEEDY
Plant a seed and
Watch it grow.
Then spray it with
Weed killer and
Watch it die.(August 2007)
NEATO
Our friends are all dying
And rotting away.
Neato.(August 2007)
ORGANIC
Organic this.
Organic that.
You're still grotesque,
Ugly, and
Fat.(August 2007)
WARHOLIC REASON
In the future
Everyone will be
Reasonable for
Fifteen minutes.(August 2007)
YOU HAVE VOMIT
You have vomit in your teeth.
You have vomit in your hair.
You have vomit on your face.
Vomit, vomit, everywhere.You have vomit in your eyes.
You have vomit on your thighs.
You have vomit in your cheeks.
You have vomit in your speech.You have vomit under your arms.
You have vomit in your pubic hair.
You have vomit on your feet.
You have vomit, that is neat.You have vomit in your veins.
You have vomit in your fart.
You have vomit in your brain.
You have vomit in your heart.(August 2007)
APOLOGY ACCEPTED
Run over your baby
With a big car really fast.
Throw your goddamn baby
Into a dumpster and run away.
Kick your beautiful baby
So hard that its little bones break.
Then kiss your precious baby and
Tell it how sorry you are.(August 2007)
SOUL MUSIC
The music you make
Represents the crap
Inside your
Soul.(August 2007)
CUTLERY
Nip and tuck,
Nip and tuck.
No amount of surgery
Will ever be enough.(August 2007)
A LITTLE ALCOHOL
Alcohol is the dumbest drug,
The dumbest drug of all.
So what if it is legal?
It just makes you feel small.(August 2007)
REASON
Hate homosexuals
Not for what they are
But for who they
Are.
(August 2007)
SEXY SHUT UP
Everyone
Should shut up
About sex.(August 2007)
JESUS SAYS SEW
Sew your vagina shut
With polyester thread.
Let it stay that way for years,
That's what Jesus says.(August 2007)
SCHOLASTIC
Guns in school?
Yes, okay.
We will learn a lot
Today.(August 2007)
MAMMAL DINNER
Bake your mammal
At 450 degrees
For 3 hours.
Then hack it up and
Eat it.(August 2007)
BAD ART
Art is poison
For the mind.
Look at art and you'll go
Blind.(August 2007)
BURIAL
Plant yourself
In the ground
And rot there
Forever.(August 2007)
LAME
Birth and death
Are one and the same.
Each, like the other,
Is totally lame.(August 2007)
FAILURE
If at first you don't succeed
Mumble goddamn several times
And walk away.(August 2007)
HOLY FRESH
Drill holes
In your breasts
To keep the milk
Fresh.(August 2007)
FREEDOM OF HATE
You can hate anyone anywhere you like
For whatever reason you choose.You can hate them because of their voice.
You can hate them because of their smell.
You can hate them because of their sexual orientation.
You can hate them because of their personality.
You can hate them because of their opinions.
You can hate them because of their hair.
You can hate them because of their race.
You can hate them because of their weight.You can hate anyone anywhere you like
For whatever goddamn reason you choose.(August 2007)
SALT YOUR VAGINA
Salt your vagina
And do it today.
If you don't salt it
Your hair will turn
Gray.(July 2007)
FRIENDS
Friends are just strangers
Who haven't pissed on us
Yet.(July 2007)
LEARNING CURVE
Slap your child
When it is nursing
And it will learn.(July 2007)
POWERLESS
God doesn't have the
Power to do
Anything.(July 2007)
MOMMY'S MIDDLE-AGED PIGLETS
Mommy's
Middle-aged piglets
Still living at home
Sucking on breasts
That dried up decades
Ago.(July 2007)
THE BEST CHOICE
Suicide is
Always the best
Choice.
(July 2007)
METHELPERS
Jesus helps those
Who help themselves to
Meth.(July 2007)
OPPOSE AND SUPPORT
Two-faced hypocritical
Lame-brain cheeseballs
Oppose the war and
Support the troops.
(July 2007)
TWO THINGS
God and Family.
Two things
That shouldn't matter to
Anyone.(July 2007)
ENEMIC
Politicians are our
Enemies.
Celebrities are our
Enemies.
Animals are our
Enemies and
Our friends are
Our enemies.(July 2007)
DUMPTY DUMPTY
Dumpty Dumpty
Dumped on a wall.
Dumpty Dumpty
Dumped in the hall.
All the king's horses
And all the king's men
Couldn't stop Dumpty
From dumping
Again.(July 2007)
MUSIC HOLE
Fill your hole
With music
Until it starts to bubble.
Music is like
Life itself...
Just a bunch of
Trouble.(July 2007)
DESK
We bought a used desk
From a nearby couple
Who run a Christian-based business
That helps young boys
Find their way in life.When we got the desk home
We found pornographic magazines
Hidden inside featuring
Interracial sex and
Bestiality.(July 2007)
CELEBRATION
Celebrate diversity
With a machine
Gun.(July 2007)
BIRTH DEFECT
Birth defect
Is how Jesus
Tell us that he
Love us.(July 2007)
NURSE BALLS
Show me a
Nurse with balls
And I'll show you
A cow that makes
House calls.(June 2007)
WISHFUL TRUTH
When you wish
Upon a star
It goddamn sure as Hell
Makes a great big
Goddamn difference
Who the Hell
You are.
(June 2007)
EVERYTHING ON YOUR PLATE
If you don't eat
Everything on your plate
Everything on your plate
Will eat
You.(June 2007)
DARFUR
Darfur is a
Nifty place where
Everything is groovy.
Everyone is happy there
Just like in a
Movie.(June 2007)
LAUGHS
Natural disasters
Are always good
For a few
Laughs.(June 2007)
WHAT LIFE IS
Life is neat.
Life is cool.
Life is replaceable.
Life is uncomfortable.(June 2007)
LOB
When in doubt
Lob a turd.(June 2007)
CRUMMY
Old is crummy.
Young is crummy.
Crummy, crummy, crummy.(June 2007)
CAUSE AND EFFECT
When women reproduce
Angels fart.(June 2007)
NUFFIN
Animals is nuffin.
People is nuffin.
Earth is nuffin.
Nuffin is nuffin.(June 2007)
DEAR babysue / LMNOP:
If you don't listen
To my music and
Write something positive about it
I will hate you
Forever.(June 2007)
CRISIS NOT A CRISIS
Mad cow disease is a crisis.
Now it is not a crisis.
Bird flu is a crisis.
Now it is not a crisis.
Global warming is a crisis.
Now it is not a crisis.
Everything is a crisis.
Now everything is not a crisis.
(June 2007)
PUPPY POPS
Boil the puppy
Until the skin
Pops.(May 2007)
DOORS
Here's the church and
Here's the steeple.
Open the doors and see shitty
People.(May 2007)
FUN
She bludgeoned her husband
With a hammer.
She shot all her children
With a gun.
She took her own life
With a carving knife
Because she thought dying was
Fun.(May 2007)
FAMILIAR
Your father is a liar.
Your mother is a bitch.
Your brother is a faggot and
Your sister is a witch.(May 2007)
GOD WILL DAMN YOU
When you wish upon a star
God will damn you.
When you do a good deed
God will damn you.
When you help those in need
God will still damn you.
When you don't do anything at all
God will continue to damn you
Forever.(May 2007)
BITTER OLD BITTIES
Pity the bitter old bitties
Because they are bitter.
Give up on bitter old bitties
While you're on the shitter.(May 2007)
LIVING IN HELL
Corporate accountants,
Financial agents, and
Attorneys are already dead
Because they are already living
In Hell.(May 2007)
WITHOUT YOU
I used to think
I couldn't live without you.
Now I know I'm
Better off
Without you.(May 2007)
PAYMENT REQUIRED
This man will dance with you if you
Pay him to dance with you.
This man will take you on trips
If you will pay for the trips.
This man will stay by your side forever
If you pay him to stay by your side forever.(May 2007)
STUFF
The world is
Full of stuff and
None of it means
Anything.(May 2007)
ZERO HERO TODAY
When everyone
Is hero today
No one
Is hero today.(May 2007)
NO BIG DEAL
Global warming.
It's no big
Deal.(May 2007)
SPAIN VS. MEXICO
Spain is
Fantastic.
Mexico is
Shit.(May 2007)
DUMPSTER BABY
Put your baby
In a dumpster and
Leave it there.(May 2007)
POW. WOW.
The gun went pow.
Wow.(May 2007)
JIMI HENDRIX
Jimi Hendrix
Was cool
Because he
Took drugs.
You be cool
Too.(May 2007)
PUSSYCAT BALLS
Dinky sin is
Grey and smokey.
Dinky sin is
Okey dokey.
Dinky sin is
On the walls.
Dinky sin is
Pussycat balls.(April 2007)
WEALTHY AND CONFUSED
We have
So much money now
That we don't know what
To do with it.(April 2007)
CHATTANOOGA SECRET
Chattanooga is
The greatest city
In the United States.
Thank God hardly anyone
Knows it.(April 2007)
BAD RECEPTION
The reception
Will be a failure
Because hardly anyone will show up
And those that do will be
Disappointed.(April 2007)
FUNERALISTIC
Everyone stand around
Mourning the loss
Of someone whose life
Never mattered anyway.(April 2007)
CHILDLIKE
Children like us
But we never wanted
To be liked by
Children like us.(April 2007)
IRAQ QUACK
Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq,
Iraq, Iraq,
Iraq.
Quack, quack, quack, quack,
Quack, quack,
Quack.(April 2007)
HANDY BLENDER
Her hands were once so
Warm and tender
Until she put them
In the blender.(April 2007)
RIGHT TO DEATH
Everyone has the right
To end their life
Whenever and however
They choose.(April 2007)
INVISIBLE STAR
When you wish
Upon a star
You will disappear
Instantly.(April 2007)
MOMMY AND DADDY
Mommy and Daddy
Are laying in bed
Wishing and dreaming
They both were
Dead.(April 2007)
THROW UP
When in doubt,
Throw up.
When confused,
Throw up.
When terrified,
Throw up.
When satisfied and content,
Throw up anyway.(April 2007)
OLD MEN OLD WOMEN
All old men
Look just like
Old women.(March 2007)
PRESIDENT SHITTY
The President is
Shitty.
Physically and mentally
Shitty.(March 2007)
SPRING
Spring, glorious Spring.
The time when
Everything starts to
Die.(March 2007)
WIN NOT
Winning isn't
Everything and
Everything isn't
Anything.(March 2007)
ANGEL REACTION
Every time a
Child is born
Angels in the sky
Launch hand grenades
At us.(March 2007)
RECTUMOPHOBIA
An abnormal fear
Of assholes.(March 2007)
BITTLE AND LIG
When I was bittle
I wanted to be lig.
Now that I am lig
I want to be
Bittle.(March 2007)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE WORSHIPS THE DEVIL
When she's hidden away
In her own safe and private space
Condoleezza Rice
Worships the goddamn
Devil
And masturbates.(March 2007)
WALT DISMAL
If Walt Disney
Could see
How his corporation
Has transformed into
A greedy army of
Money hungry pigs
He would probably
Throw up all over
Mickey Mouse.(March 2007)
MONEY BRINGS OUT THE SHIT IN PEOPLE
Money should be
Packaged, marketed,
And sold as a
Laxative.(March 2007)
AUTISTIC RETARDS
No one is
Mentally retarded
Anymore.
Now they are
Autistic.(March 2007)
LESBIANS IS SATAN
Whether they admit it
Or not
All lesbians is Satan.
Some is Satan
In cars.
Some is Satan
In bars.
While still others is Satan
In churches.(February 2007)
FRIENDSHIP
Friendships are fleeting and
Unimportant.
Friends are temporary and
Easily replaced.
(February 2007)
HEAVY METAL ASSHOLES
Look at all the
Heavy metal assholes
Dressing up like drag queens
And screaming like retarded
Baboons.(February 2007)
REPRODUCTION
Those who reproduce
Should not be in the business
Of reproduction.(February 2007)
UNFORTUNATE PIGGY
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
But this little piggy experienced
A fatal cranial fracture
That caused him to bleed profusely from both ears
And hobble sideways onto an expressway during rush hour
Where he was run over simultaneously
By three hundred thousand
Cars.(February 2007)
NUDITY IS REPULSIVE
Nudity is repulsive
Because people are
Repulsive.(February 2007)
SEX IDIOTS
Idiots dwell upon sex
Because they are
Idiots.(February 2007)
WRONG IDEA
Those who support
Abortion are wrong.
Those who oppose abortion
Are also wrong.
Everyone is wrong about
Everything.(February 2007)
WEAK, NEEDY, RETARDED
We pray because
We are weak.
We work because
We are needy.
We live because
We are retarded.(February 2007)
FUTURE HELL
Our children are
Our future.
To hell with
The future.(February 2007)
UGLY SKYSCRAPERS
All tall buildings are
Ugly.(February 2007)
ATLANTA ATTRACTION
Atlanta attracts
Assholes.(February 2007)
LOS ANGELES ATTRACTION
Los Angeles attracts
Assholes.(February 2007)
PHONY FART FACTORY
Hollywood is a
Factory for phony
Farts.(February 2007)
PREOCCUPIED
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and
Broke his crown
But Jill was
Too busy to notice
Because she was
Taking pictures with her cell phone and
Diddling with her MP3 player.(February 2007)
UGLY
Children are ugly.
Babies are ugly.
Flowers are ugly.
Ugly, ugly, ugly.Mountains are ugly.
The sky is ugly.
Birds are ugly.
Ugly, ugly, ugly.Women are ugly.
Men are ugly.
Life is ugly.
Ugly, ugly, ugly.(January 2007)
WORDS
Words don't mean
Anything to
Anyone.(January 2007)
PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE
People from the past were
Shitty.People in the present are
Shitty.People in the future
Will always be
Shitty.(January 2007)
POLITICAL TRUTH
Everyone wonders why
Politicians lie.They lie because
If they told the truth
They would never get
Elected.(January 2007)
TRASH SANDWICH
Put cheese on the
Sandwich.
Put lettuce on the
Sandwich.
Put pickles on the
Sandwich.Then throw the
Sandwich in the
Trash.(January 2007)
N'INTEGRITY PAS
Integrity don't matter none
Because there ain't
No one what is got
No integrity no
Way.(January 2007)
NIGGER-SENSITIVE
You can call someone a liar
But don't call them a nigger.
You can call someone a child molester
But don't call them a nigger.
You can call someone retarded
But don't call them a nigger.
You can call someone a thief and a cheater
But don't call them a nigger.
You can call someone ignorant and stupid
But don't call them a nigger.
You can call someone a bastard, a bitch, a worthless old fart, a queer, a shitass, a murderer, a rapist, and a whore
But whatever you do you had goddamn better
Make sure you don't call them a nigger.(January 2007)
AMERICAN COLORS
Red, white, and blue.
They're shitty,
Like you.(January 2007)
DOES NOT MATTER
Life does not
Matter.
Religion does not
Matter.
Freedom does not
Matter.Even if something
Really does matter
It really does not
Matter.(January 2007)
HAVE A BABY
Have a baby
On the sidewalk.
Have a baby
In the fireplace.
Have a baby
In the lobby.
Have a baby
In the toilet.(January 2007)
SHIT EATER
Eat and shit.
Eat and shit.
Eat and shit.Eat and shit some more.
(January 2007)
LITTLE PLASTIC DISKS
When we were young
We collected little plastic disks
Slowly, one by one,
And placed them on a shelf.As we got older
We continued collecting
Little plastic disks
As we became more and more
Obsessed with the idea
Of collecting
Little plastic disks.These days we are overwhelmed
With all the little plastic disks
That consume our
Office suite
And make our lives
So complex that we can
No longer function normally
Anymore.(January 2007)
POEM FOR YOKO
Melt a dead kitten
In the middle of the yard.
Blink three times to bring
The kitten back to life.Practice again on several
Other types of animals.(January 2007)
HUMPY DUMPY
Humpy Dumpy
Had a big
Dump.Humpy Dumpy
Snorted a
Lump.(November 2006)
ROCK AND ROLL IS FOR ASSHOLES
Who loves rock and roll?
Assholes do,
That's who.Assholes just love to
Rock and roll.(November 2006)
WHY JESUS CAN'T LOVE ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD ANYMORE
If Jesus loved
All the little children
Of the world in the
Twenty-first century
He would be
Thrown in
Prison.(November 2006)
CHATTANOOGA CUCKOO
Pardon me boys,
Is that the Chattanooga
Cuckoo?(November 2006)
INFERIORACES
All races are
Inferior.(November 2006)
DARK FREEDOM
If you love something
Make it stop
Breathing.(November 2006)
METHODOLOGY
Meth solves problems.
Meth makes things
Better.(November 2006)
NEKKID HELL
Those who choose
To be nude
Will go straight to
Goddamn hell.(November 2006)
JACK AND BITCH
Jack and Bitch
Fell in the ditch and
Drank the muddy water.
Bitch fell down
And tore her gown
So Jack reached in and
Molested her.(November 2006)
GIANT QUESTION
Fee-fie-foe-fum.
Why is everyone so
Dumb?(November 2006)
ASSHOLES VOTE
What do assholes do?
Assholes vote.
(November 2006)
GREEDY & SELF-CENTERED
We turned cold on you
Because we determined
That you are greedy and
Self-centered.(November 2006)
YUCKY
The world is yucky.
Sad but true.
The world is yucky
Because of you.(November 2006)
SHAKESPOOR
How many ways
Do I goddamn thee?
Let me count
The goddamn
Ways.(October 2006)
BASTARD DADDY
My father was a rotten
Bastard.
A mean, cold, rotten
Bastard.(October 2006)
VICTIMIZATION
Symptoms aren't victims.
Blimps aren't victims.
Owls aren't victims and
Kittens aren't symptoms.(October 2006)
ZACH WIMP
Zach is just a dumb
Wimp.
Zach has always been a dumb
Wimp.Only the dumbest of the dumb
Would ever vote for
The biggest retard
In Tennessee...Zach Wimp.
(October 2006)
SONNY PERDUE
Sonny Perdue
Is a fat old chicken woman.
Sonny Perdue
Sasses his fat ass around
Like a queen.Sonny Perdue
Won't do it for you.His asshole resembles
A vagina.(October 2006)
MR. T
Goddamn you.
Goddamn me.
Goddamn everyone
Except Mr. T.(October 2006)
CHEATERS
We cheated our way
Though school.You should too.
(October 2006)
COUNTRY PEOPLE
Country people
Aren't any better
Than city people.(October 2006)
SUCK FROM THE RICH
We moved back to a
Cool, hipster neighborhood
So that we can
Suck from the
Rich.(October 2006)
BIRDIE HIGH
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow...
Why oh why
Get high?(October 2006)
DUMMIES
Alcohol is for dummies.
Marijuana is for dummies.
Religion is for dummies.
Everything is for
Dummies.(October 2006)
STOOL SAMPLE
Here is a sample
Of our finest wooden bar
Stool.(October 2006)
RETURN TO CIVILIZATION
We moved away
From civilization
Thinking that it would be best.But now we return
To civilization
To do what we do best.(October 2006)
TRASHY BABY
She had a trashy baby
So she threw it in
The trash.
She had a trashy baby
Then she smoked a bit of
Hash.(October 2006)
POST PUNK
Another trite
Descriptive term
That doesn't mean
Anything.(September 2006)
OFFICE MEAT
They are looking
At our office suite
As if it were
A piece of meat.It is a goddamn
Piece of meat.Get us the hell
Out of this
Goddamn place.(September 2006)
NEAR IN
That is not
Far out.
It is
Near in.(September 2006)
WHERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
Not only do we not know
Where we will be tomorrow
We have absolutely
No idea of where we are
Today.(September 2006)
DESPERATE OLD LADIES
Desperate old ladies
Chasing desperate old men
Who kick them
In the heads
Over and over
Again.(September 2006)
CRUMMY MUSIC
Your music
Is crummy
And so are
You.(September 2006)
MAEL-ISH
Ron and Russell
In our dreams
'Til the end.We talk just like them
We are told by
A friend.(September 2006)
GOODBYE FARM
Goodbye hills,
Goodbye farm.
Goodbye lawnmowers,
Goodbye harm.(September 2006)
TENNESSEE MEN
Now that we are
Tennessee Men...
That's what we always
Should have been.(September 2006)
UNIQUE LIE
We are told
From the start
That we are
Unique.The unique lie
Is uniquely
A lie.(September 2006)
POWERLESS
Power to
The people who
Don't have any
Power.(September 2006)
TURD PARTY
We're having
A party and only
Turds are
Invited.(September 2006)
JONBENET'S UNDERWEAR
What was really inside
JonBenet's underwear?(September 2006)
SOUL CONTROL
Let the will of
Others control your
Mind, body, and
Soul.(August 2006)
MILITARY DUTY
Your duty is to
Get out and
Stay out.(August 2006)
COMPLEXITIES
The complexities
Of the world are
Grating and
Stupid.(August 2006)
NO SPICE
If variety
Is the spice of life,
Let's get rid of the
Isle with spices.(August 2006)
CRAWLING APPRECIATION
Thank you for crawling.
Thank you for crawling.
Thank you for crawling.(August 2006)
LESBIAN CITIES
Lesbians in Red Bank,
Lesbians in Decatur.(August 2006)
WORTHLESS LEADERS
All leaders are
Worthless leaders.(August 2006)
FOLLOWERS
Look at all
The mindless followers.
Following, following
The road to
Nowhere.(August 2006)
PHYSICAL CHANGE
You'll never notice
How much I've changed
Because you can't
See me.(August 2006)
PASSIONOTHING
If you can't be passionate
About something
You could at least
Be passionate about
Nothing.(August 2006)
WILL DO WON'T DO
Americans
Will do the jobs
That Americans
Won't do.(June 2006)
TRUCK
I started a truck
That started the whole world
Trucking...
Only I couldn't see
That the truck was on
Me.(June 2006)
ALL WE ARE SAYING
All we are saying
Is give pizza a chance.
All we are saying
Is give sedatives a chance.
All we are saying
Is give serial murderers a chance.
All we are saying
Is give rabid raccoons with obvious mental disorders a chance.
All we are saying
Is give bloody two-headed abortions dying on the doormat a chance.(June 2006)
TIME IS RUNNING
Take care of business quickly because
Time is running.
Drive just as fast as you can because
Time is running.
Do everything as fast as you possibly can
Because time is running out.(June 2006)
HOLES
Your nose
Has holes.
Your ears
Have holes.
Your ass and urethra
Have holes.
And your mouth
Is just a
Hole.(June 2006)
DECADES
In the sixties
Ugly hippies
Struggled for change.In the seventies
Homosexual celebrities
Came out of their closets.In the eighties
Women with babies
Declared their equality.In the nineties
Men sniffed their hineys
And lined their pockets with money.In the twenty-first century
It's all a big mystery
Because no one
Is doing anything
Anymore.
(June 2006)
CATCH A MOUSE
Patty had a
Problem with her
Pussy.
It couldn't catch a
Mouse.(June 2006)
AMERICAN DULLARD
Who will be
The new
American
Dullard?(June 2006)
NERVOUS
In the future
Everyone will be
Nervous
For fifteen minutes.(June 2006)
SCHOOLS
All schools breed
Intolerance and
Hatred.(June 2006)
FORWARD BACKWARD
People used to be
Forward thinkers.
Now people are
Backward wishers.(June 2006)
MUSICAL
Music makes people
Smug and
Irritating.(June 2006)
GREEK VACATION PROPAGANDA
All we are saying
Is give Greece
A chance.(June 2006)
BIRD FLU
Which way did the
Bird flu?It just flu
Away.(June 2006)
CHOOSY MOTHERS
Choosy mothers
Choose
Toothless gerbils.(May 2006)
FREEDOM
Say goodbye
To freedom.
We never had it
Anyway.
We have lost our
Freedom in the name
Of freedom.(May 2006)
REALLY NOT
Your job is not real.
Your family is not real.
Your thoughts are not real.
Everything in your world is
Fake.(May 2006)
PHONY PONY
Ride your Phony Pony
'Til there's nothing left to do.
Ride your Phony Pony
'Til you're all dried up and
Blue.(May 2006)
GREY DOCTOR
An apple a day
Makes the doctor
Turn grey.(May 2006)
ACTING
Act like you care.
Act like you are interested.
Act like you are listening.
Act like you should
Act.(May 2006)
PARROT PARENTS
They had a tiny bird
But were never taught
How to raise it.Parrots make
Rotten parents.
All parrots will be
Rotting parents.(May 2006)
FACT OF LIFE
All peoples is liars.
All peoples is thieves.
All peoples is evil.
All peoples has teeves.(May 2006)
DAMMIT SPREAD
Spread a little dammit
Wherever you go.
Spread a little dammit
And watch your head
Grow.(May 2006)
RETURN
Go back to
Wherever it is
That you came
From.(May 2006)
DOUBLED
Would you like
Coffee with your
Coffee?(May 2006)
CONDOLEEZZA STEW
Take 12 pounds of anorexia
And mix with 15 pounds of
Hairspray.
Add 20 ounces of Yowsuh
And two heaping tablespoons
Of impuned integrity.
Cook until ready.Serves 5 billion idiots.
(May 2006)
HELP
You can ask your parents for help
But your parents won't help you.
You can ask your friends for help
But your friends won't help you.
You can ask your teachers for help
But your teachers won't help you.
You can ask God for help
But God won't help you either.(May 2006)
IMPOSSIBILITY
Everything is
Impossible.
Everything has always been
Impossible and
Everything will always be
Impossible.(April 2006)
DONKEYFUEL
What make donkey go?
What make punkish drool?
Thing what is murky, funkish
Donkeyfuel.(April 2006)
ITALIAN REALIZATION
Sex...
Itza bad!(April 2006)
MAN MOUSE
You are a man
And you are a
Mouse.(April 2006)
CASUAL FAB IGNORANCE
Ignorance is calming,
Seductive, and
Fantastic.(April 2006)
BIRDIE BABY
Birdies took her baby
And carried it away.
Birdies tore her baby up
And threw it in the
Hay.(April 2006)
WITH A CORPSE
Dance with a corpse.
Snort with a corpse.
Pour quarts on a corpse.
Play sports
With a corpse.
(April 2006)
ULTRA TACKY SPACE
Ultra tacky people in their
Ultra tacky places.
Litter their bitterness
Regularly in their
Ultra tacky
Spaces.(April 2006)
BIGGER BIGGER BIGGER
Buildings are getting
Bigger.
Cars are getting
Bigger.
Everything is getting
Bigger bigger bigger.(April 2006)
KNOWLEDGE NEXT
Knowledge is next to
Nothing.(April 2006)
SISSY SCHOOL
Let's all go to
Sissy School
So we can be
Generic.
Let's all go to
Sissy School so
We can be like
Erik.(April 2006)
TITS AND TEETH
Tits and teeth.
You only really
Think about them
When they
Hurt.(April 2006)
FATHER FART
Our Father
Who farts in Heaven.
Hallowed be
Thy farts.(April 2006)
NERVE SWERVE
The nerve of some people.
The verb of some people.
The curve of some people.
The swerve of some people.(April 2006)
SQUEAL PIG
Squeal pig squeal.
Squeal about the car.
Squeal pig squeal.
Squeal about the clothing.
Squeal pig squeal.
Squeal about celebrities.
Squeal pig squeal.
Now STOP.(March 2006)
PENNY
A penny for your thoughts.
A penny for your pumps.
A penny for your napkins.
A penny for your hairspray.(March 2006)
BUMMER
You got a new job.
Bummer.
You won the lottery.
Bummer.
You made it through surgery.
Bummer.(March 2006)
SORRY
So sorry
To see you.
So sorry
To hear you.
So sorry
To be near you.
So sorry
To know you.(March 2006)
CONKY
Conky this Conky that.
Conky, Conky, Conky cat.
Conky me, Conky you.
Conky Ted and Tammy too.
Conky is as Conky does.
Conky is and
Conky was.(March 2006)
PRECIOUS
Life is precious.
Life is fair.
Life seeps through your
Underwear.
(March 2006)
LIVID IN INDIA
Livianne and David are
Livid in India.(March 2006)
TABLE CRAWL
Here's the church and
Here's the stable.
Open the doors and
Crawl under the table.(March 2006)
WISH SHOE
I wish I were me.
I wish I were you.
I wish I were fifty bucks
Stuck inside a
Shoe.(March 2006)
WORDOPHOBIA
Which words
Are okay and
Which words
Are not
Okay?(March 2006)
DEMOCRATIC
Democracies prove
That the majority of people
Are always
Wrong.(February 2006)
OUR GOVERNMENT
Our government is so full of lies,
Full of lies,
Full of lies.
Our government is so full of lies,
How could anyone believe in it?Our government is such a farce,
Such a farce,
Such a farce.
Our government is such a farce,
How could anyone take it seriously?Our government is so corrupt,
So corrupt,
So corrupt.
Our government is so corrupt
That we would all be better off without it.(February 2006)
SHUT UP ABOUT IT
The world is lovely so
Shut up about it.Life is worth living so
Shut up about it.Nothing means anything so
Shut up about it.Shut whatever needs to be shut and
Shut up about it.(February 2006)
ISN'T
Isn't she a beauty?
Isn't she beautiful?
Isn't she shitty?Isn't he lovely?
Isn't he wonderful?
Isn't he shitty?Isn't life cool?
Isn't life neat?
Isn't life shitty?(February 2006)
POPULAR PIGS
All bow down
To the popular pigs.
All watch and listen
To the popular pigs.Popular pigs
Come in all shapes and sizes
And in all the colors
Of the goddamn rainbow.Popular pigs
Snort and grovel with glee
Because popular pigs
Get whatever they please.(February 2006)
PLEASE THANK YOUIf you want to say "please"...
Don't say it.If you want to say "thank you"...
Don't say it.Don't say anything
To anyone
Ever.(February 2006)
SQUIRRELShe put a feather
In her asshole
And shook it all around.She put a rifle
In her asshole
And blew it like a clown.She put a megaphone
In her asshole
And shouted to the world.She put a congressman
In her asshole
And shitted like a squirrel.(February 2006)
HOWDY DOHowdy do, metal punk.
Howdy do to you.Howdy do, tatooed skinhead.
Howdy do to you.Howdy do, painted lady.
Howdy do to you.Howdy do, generic farmhand.
Howdy do to you too.(February 2006)
MIGHTYI want to live
In a mighty big house.
I want to make
Mighty big sums of money.
I want to go
On mighty fine trips.
I want to have hips
Just like goddamn Mighty Mouse.(February 2006)
GOD MAKES DRESSESGod helps those who help themselves.
God cleans those who cleanse themselves.
God helps elves who help other elves.
God makes shelves for those who make shelves themselves.
God dresses pretty for those who dress pretty themselves.
God blows his nose at those who blow their own noses.
God shakes his booty at those who shake their own booties.
God throws temper tantrums at those who throw their own temper tantrums.
God opens up fancy new popular nightclubs for those who open their own fancy new popular nightclubs.
God makes silk dresses for those who can't make their own silk dresses.(February 2006)
DROP DOWNDrop down and give me twenty.
Drop down and give me thirty.
Drop down and give me something just
Drop down and give.(February 2006)
GIVE BIRTHGive birth to puppies.
Give birth to kittens.
Give birth to chickens.
Give birth
For the hell of it.(February 2006)
DULL AND BORINGEveryone is dull and boring,
Dull and boring,
Dull and boring.Everything is dull and boring,
Dull and boring,
Dull and boring.But why is everything dull and boring,
Dull and boring,
Dull and boring?Contemplation is dull and boring,
Dull and boring,
Dull and boring.(February 2006)
ARE THE SAME
Right and wrong.
Wrong and right.
Right and wrong are the same.Good and bad.
Bad and good.
Good and bad are the same.Life and death.
Death and life.
Life and death are the same.Same and same.
Same and same.
Same and same are the same.(January 2006)
THROWAWAY THUMBS
Sauce for the moo and
Mushes on the meow.
Her soft fushy mango,
Her neat brittle brow.The bongo mechanics
Are tinky and toy.
The singalong hammers
With linkety snoy.The farm full of banjo,
The finger of harm
Will bingo forever
In throwaway thumbs.(January 2006)
LITTLE TACKY
Come and dance,
Little Tacky.
Come and dance the shaker.Take your trance pills,
Little Tacky.
Take your pills and run.Little Tacky
Tastes his snacky,
Takes his snacky home.
Little Tacky
Whupped like yacky,
Snips his rosy cone.(January 2006)
DOLLY MUCOUS
All that we are
Is dolly mucous.
All that we can be
Is dolly mucous.I fell in love with
Dolly mucous.She followed me home
Like hocus pukus.She met at the corner
Of holly polly.She stared at the stump
Of hoity toity.(January 2006)
SALT AND PEPPER POPPA
Sad and lonely
Salt and Pepper Poppa
Sits alone at his table
And strokes at his beard.His mind is treble and
His body is bass.He hasn't a shield and
He hasn't a trace.(January 2006)
SHE HAD A MAD BAD BABY
She was angry and lost
So she had a mad bad baby.
The worst of the baddest of bad.The baby grew up.
She pushed it away.But the baby came back,
Badder and madder than ever.She held the mad bad baby.
It chewed her to pieces
On that terrible wonderful day.(January 2006)
RUBBER GLOB
Oh rubber glob
Who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come
They will be done
On earth as it is in
Rubber glob.(January 2006)
SHEEPLE
Sheeple here.
Sheeple there.
Sheeple, sheeple
Everywhere.Never will they
Feel the flame
For all the sheeple
Act the same.(January 2006)
WAH WAH WOMB
Live and die
In wah wah womb.Stay inside
Of wah wah womb.Cut in two
The wah wah womb.Stay inside
The wah wah tomb.(January 2006)
NUT
Twinkle twinkle
Little nut.
How I wonder
What is
What.(November 2004)
SHACKY DUMPLING
Throw me your hands,
Shacky Dumpling squirt.
Lend me your gear slinks
My Shacky Dumpling dingy.Your ears are stout and phony,
Your mother cleans a pony.
With all the strappy poo-plack
It seems like crop and doo-lakk.Ponder some zooey stuff and
Let your crazy razor do the lifting.
Pack your paper bag with lazy pumpkin
And do the shrink-wrap boogie with lumpkin.Missy Lumpkin.
What a name.
Missy Lumpkin.
Down the drain.Donate your
Goddamn money to the
Shacky Dumpling
Of your goddamn choice.(September 2004)
OLYMPIC DUMPS
Every Olympic person
Is a real Olympic Dump.
Every Olympic anything
Is a real Olympic nothing.Olympics show just
How much emphasis people put
On things that should never really matter
In the first place.So you can jump really high.
Congratulations, Olympic Dump.
So you can throw a ball really far.
Congratulations, Olympic Dump.
So you can run really fast.
We are all so impressed with you, Olympic Lumpy Dump.
You can do all kinds of stupid, dull stuff
Better than others can.
What a sorry sister you are, Olympic Dump.
You can compete all you want,
But you'll always be a Dump.Olympic Dumps
Will save the day.
When Olympic Dumps
Just go away.(September 2004)
SHAMPOO YOUR RECTUM
When showers time comes
And there's no one to see
Shampoo your rectum
With power and glee.There's no time like presents
Except just like pests.
There's no time whatever,
To stash all the guests.Dreamboats are not boats and
Empires are not fires.
Rectums is all dirty
Unless they gets shampooed, that is.So shampoo often,
Shampoo well.
Shampoo 'til
You rot in Hell.(June 2004)
BAMBI DIAPERS
There is a world
A different world
And it is filled with
Bambi Diapers.Bambi Diapers
Curdle and whey.
That is the way
They know they must stay.When Bambi Diapers
Curl up and die.
That is the day
We all say bye bye.(June 2004)
GOD IS A POODLE
God is a poodle
With ticks and worms
He scratches the ditches
And creams in the storm.
His bitchy old woman
Is watching the seas
As God picks his wisdom
With curry and cheese.(June 2004)
WEDDING WIPERS
The day we change our
Windshield wipers
That will be our
Wedding Day.(May 2004)
PUSSY MAGIC
Stretch the wrong thing
Until the witch crowns.
Watch the wrong fawn
With magazine hounds.We all fall for
Pussy magic.
Just like the kings
And the cheese dogs of old.Pass the wrong side dish
And kick the wrong dog hole.
Wax the wrong sassy-poo
And pluck off the stove porch.We all smell for
Mussy pagic.
Just like the magic
We cracked in our corn.
Just like the magic
We raped when we stacked it.
Just like the pussy
That made magic Mary.(April 2004)
GUYS WITH NOSE RINGS
Guys with nose rings are
Terrible things.
Thinking they are unique
They strut around like freaks...
Making sensible adults
Shudder in disgust.Guys with nose rings are
Manipulated like strings.
Thinking they are exceptional
They all really look identical...
Instead of showing their masculinity
In reality they display
Their faggot sensibilities.Guys with nose rings are just like
Girls with nose rings are just like
Guys with nose rings are just like
Girls with nose rings.
They're all scum sucking generic freaks.(April 2004)
LONGER
The longer
We live
The shittier
The world gets.(January 2004)
AMERICA THE DOUBTFUL
Why on earth
Would anyone fight
For a country
That isn't worth
Fighting for
In the first place?(December 2003)
WARM VOMIT
Find the warm vomit
That is sitting in your head.
Feel the vomit,
Touch the vomit,
Bleed until you're dead.Spread the vomit smoothly
Until heaven comes along.
Spread it over continents
Until it is all gone.Eat the vomit giblets
With tenacity and love.
Give the giblets groovy rings
And keep them in a glove.Even dogs don't get the joke
When they're not so warm.
Vomit doggies comatose,
Nailed inside a barn.(November 2003)
CHRISTOPHER REEVE
The freak that wouldn't
Say goodbye.
Die freak,
Die.
ACCEPTANCE
It's okay
For me
To be a bastard.
ASS GRAVY
Ass Gravy
Is tender and beautiful.
Ass Gravy
Makes me want to cry.
Ass Gravy unifies our planet
And makes little poodles
Square dance in the mud.
BIBLE
What does the Bible say?
It says nothing.
BLIND
I can't see
A goddamn
Thing.
BOO BOO
Boo Boo was Yogi's sex slave.
Yogi forced Boo Boo
To drink his urine.
Yogi made Boo Boo
Eat his feces.
There's a lot that went on
That they never let us see
Between Yogi and Boo Boo.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
Don't kill
Your fellow man.
Let the government
Do that.
CHEWING A LEG OFF
Chewing it off.
Chewing it off.
Chewing it off.
Snap.
DISTANCE
The distance
Between any two points
Is annoying.
EXCLUSIVELY GAY
Shop at
Exclusively gay stores.
Attend
Exclusively gay parties.
Crack
Exclusively gay jokes.
Be
Self-absorbed and boring.
FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY
Watch as the
Fabric of our society
Unravels and falls apart.
It was bad fabric
Anyway.
FAMILY
A pain in the ass
Forever and ever.
Family.
Totally fucked up
Till the end of eternity.
Family.
Whose fault is it
That things are
The way they are?
Horrible and ugly.
Family.
FEMINISTS
Let's
Get rid of them.
FORGOTTEN
I've forgotten what I did.
I've forgotten who I am.
I've forgotten what's important.
I forgot to check the biscuits.
FRANCE
France is a
Bad place.
HEAD
Rub the head.
Rub the head.
IGNORANCE
Self-imposed ignorance
Is a wonderful thing.
The less you know,
The clearer you dream.
The more you ignore,
The better things seem.
IMPOSSIBALLS
Your balls
Refuse
To follow instructions.
MUSCLES
Your muscles and
My muscles are
Lying on the floor
In a neat little pile.
They are not moving.
NUDITY KILLS
People without clothes
Will dry up and
Blow away.
NUT WHORE
I'm a nut whore.
There's nothing
I won't do
For nuts.
Oh, to be a
Nut whore.
Who could ask
For more?
OPERATION CANCELLED
We have decided
Not to
Operate.
OPINION
Opinions are like assholes.
Everybody has them
And they're all
Shitty.
REPRODUCTION
Reproduction is a very
Ugly thing.
RUPTURE
Describe how
The rupture
Felt.
SELF IMPORTANCE
How did your
Head get so big?
STARS TOO
Stars shoot up.
Me too.
STILLBORN
I will
Always remember you
That way.
SUDDEN KITTEN DEATH
If a kitten dies and
No one is around to
Observe it dying,
Is the kitten really dead?©1997-2008 LMNOP®
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