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Recipes by 
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BIRD SANDWICHES
Ingredients:
10 Sparrows
10 Mockingbirds
10 Seagulls
10 Finches
10 Chickens
10 Hawks
10 Eagles
10 Flamingos
10 Turkeys
10 Hummingbirds
100 Large Organic Buns
1 jar of Bird Sauce
1 jar of Bird Mayonnaise
1 jar of Bird Topping
1,000 toothpicks
1 Staple Gun
1 box of Ultra Thick and Painful Staples
Y'know what? Birds make great sandwiches. Not just for kids, but for folks of all ages and sizes. And the good news is...that there's a different kind of bird that's bound to appeal to just about anyone who gets hungry from time to time. Bird Sandwiches are the boss man...they're the real boss. So let's make the damn things before something else comes up and grabs our attention away. Take your LARGE ORGANIC BUNS and spread 'em out on the counter like you're ready to do some real foot stompin'. Make sure they're all at right angles in order to get the maximum jolt of taste. Now take the SPARROWS, MOCKINGBIRDS, SEAGULLS, FINCHES, CHICKENS, HAWKS, EAGLES, FLAMINGOS, TURKEYS, and HUMMINGBIRDS and place each one on a bun. Take care not to kill any of 'em, otherwise important flavors and nutrients will be lost. Birds ain't too fond of sittin' motionless on buns so that's where them there attachment things comes in real handy. As you place each bird on a bun, use some sharp TOOTHPICKS to stab 'em into place. That usually ain't enough to make 'em stop squirmin' completely so then you'll want to grab your STAPLE GUN and teach 'em how to behave by shooting some ULTRA THICK AND PAINFUL STAPLES right through their bodies and into the buns. Once you get the birds to stop moving around too much, gently spread some BIRD SAUCE, BIRD MAYONNAISE, and BIRD TOPPING on the bottom of the bun to give everything some additional flavor portions. Now throw them goddamn Bird Sandwiches out there to anyone in the world who can't wait to eat 'em up. Just be sure to serve them live cuz they taste better that way. Serves 50 hungry bird watchers.
BRAISED DONKEY WITH PARTY NOODLES
Ingredients:
1 Great Big Ol' Donkey
1 pint Donkey Tenderizer
2 Buckets of Donkey Manipulator
4 Dove Injections
1 Dollop of Grease
3 Gallons of Braise
10 Bags of Charcoal
10 Bags of Party Noodles
2 Purdy Party Hats
6 Odd Old Russians Playing Out-of-Tune Harmonicas
There ain't NUTHIN' in the world to make you some GREAT FEED like a hunky ol' back yard full of BRAISED DONKEY WITH PARTY NOODLES. Your neighbors will be envious as heck and your best friends will stay your best friends forever. The most essential thing in this recipe is gettin' the right damn Donkey. Don't get just any ol' Donkey cuz it will not do. You need the most DELICATE and PRECIOUS Donkey that there ever was. So you go on out thar to the field and grab you one high quality GREAT BIG OL' DONKEY and harness it in a sturdy net. Grab the net up and fetch that animal home and put it in your back yard on top of a large metal grate that's been put up on some sturdy bricks. Use an oversized paint brush to layer on the DONKEY TENDERIZER so that it gets soaked clean into the deep muscle tissue. While the Tenderizer is tenderizing, chunk them BAGS OF CHARCOAL up under the metal grate and set them thar suckers on FIRE. While they's a burnin', slowly pour the BUCKETS OF DONKEY MANIPULATOR all over the Donkey from head to toe. Then spice the insides up by giving it some mighty powerful DOVE INJECTIONS. Slap the DOLLOP OF GREASE on the nose of the Donkey and then slowly start using the GALLONS OF BRAISE to wet the animal until it calms down. While the braise is cookin' its way into the heart of the beast, run inside and throw the BAGS OF PARTY NOODLES into a big thing full of water and let 'em cook for fifteen minutes. As soon as the Noodles is done, take 'em outside and throw 'em in the grass. Then push the Donkey on top of the Noodles and ring the dinner bell as loud as all get out. Nab them PURDY PARTY HATS and put one on yourself and one on the head of the Donkey. As the tasty mess is gettin' served, have the ODD OLD RUSSIANS PLAYING OUT-OF-TUNE HARMONICAS begin doin' their special kinda thing for pure entertainment value. Mmmmm, mmmm! That's one helluva meal WORTH fightin' for.
BUBBLEGUM 'N SUGAR BURGERS
Ingredients:
6 lbs. of Pink Bubblegum
10 lbs. of Sugar
5 bottles of Corn Syrup
27 Squirts of Artificial Sweetener
1 Tiny Tablespoon of Ground Beef
SaltPull out one super large bowl and place on the counter. Put the PINK BUBBLEGUM, SUGAR, and CORN SYRUP into the bowl and then squirt the ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER all over the top. Massage well with all of your fingers before adding the TINY TABLESPOON OF GROUND BEEF. Continue to massage well until all ingredients are properly mushed all the way up. Add a pinch of SALT and then form the mixture into burger shapes. Now look at your arms. They don't look quite right anymore now, do they? And what about your legs. You can't walk anywhere without falling down. Think about all the things that you've lost over the past few years. And think about all the things you could have done but never did. There's not a lot to look forward to out there in the real world anymore. Things never work out like they should and for good reason. The lessons and activates you seek are mission-like in their endeavors, aptly stringing along the cognitive averages for Coco and Minion. There are, however, only six objectives that react. And these objectives are collected into several companions that will never ever see the light of day. So go on and make things in your kitchen. Make really great things that no one will ever see and no one will ever eat. In the end, it won't really matter because nothing does. But hey, howzabout we git back to those damn burgers we were making... Cook the damn things and serve 'em up real nice and hot. Allow a long long time for dinner because it might not never end with all the damn chewin' that's gonna be 'a goin' on. Ultra delightful for everyone's natural consumption.
BUTTERSCOTCH DILLYWADS
Ingredients:
2 lbs. Corn Syrup
4 lbs. Butterscotch
24 Freshly Picked Dilly
48 Seedless Wads
1 bag Frolic PowderIf you have to end a meal, you better end the damn thing with some Butterscotch Dillywads. After all...if'n ya don't...there just might not never be no next dinner. Put one large sturdy plastic bowl on the counter and hold it there. Pour in the CORN SYRUP and then flop the BUTTERSCOTCH in with steady determination. Use your fists to smash it all up and don't be afraid to use your full force. Slowly let the FRESHLY PICKED DILLY drift into the mixture, making sure that the hands of the Dilly don't get frayed or hampered. Now place the SEEDLESS WADS on a sheet of sturdy wax paper and mush each one in the center using your largest thumb. Then fill them Wad holes full of yer Dilly mixture. Then slowly sass the FROLIC POWDER all over the top of 'em to make 'em look like they're more special than they really are. Ain't nobody nowhere what can turn down them Dillywads. Nobody nowhere...nohow.
CHEESY ROUTINI
Ingredients:
4 Teeth Brushings
6 Trips to the Bathroom
10 e-mail Checks
12 Brisk Morning Showers
2 Plant Waterings
3 Pet Feedings
20 Trips to the Gas Station
15 Trips to the Grocery Store
50 lbs. Lovely Nice Cheese
20 Gallons 50% MilkYou can just smell this one before it even gets cooked...so let's not delay even for another second. In a large saucepan combine the TEETH BRUSHINGS and TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM and stir until they are properly merged. Then add in the E-MAIL CHECKS and the BRISK MORNING SHOWERS. Whip sternly for two minutes or until frothy. Slowly dump in the PLANT WATERINGS and the PET FEEDINGS while skating across the kitchen floor on your pinky toes. Mix thoroughly. Now layer in the TRIPS TO THE GAS STATION and TRIPS TO THE GROCERY STORE. Then whisk with a sturdy whisky thing that whisks real good. When everything is satisfactorily whisked, gently dump the LOVELY NICE CHEESE into the mixture along with the 50% MILK. Simmer until all the Cheese has melted and then pour the mixture into a casserole dish. Go out and buy a new oven because your old one doesn't have a nice silvery finish like the new ones all your friends have. Then pop into a 450 degree oven for 45 minutes and voila... Your guests will tremble with dull delight as they savor and relish the repetitive monotony of this divine dish. It truly is a meal fit for a king.
COUNTRY FRIES WITH CHEESE
Ingredients:
5 cups Efficient Cooking Oil
5 touches of Salt
Austria
China
France
Germany
Norway
Russia
United States
Vietnam
20 Big Wads of Burly Farm CheeseHere's a side dish that's perfect to place on the side of a dish...but it can also be used as a single tray munchie kind of thing if your guests have popular snorts about them. Pour the EFFICIENT COOKING OIL into a large metal basin and place on the stove. Cook on high until the oil begins to boil real hard. At the point when it boils toss in the TOUCHES OF SALT. Now grab AUSTRIA and throw it deep into the oil. While Austria is cooking, toss in CHINA and FRANCE. Allow to cook for two minutes. Next, ladle in GERMANY, NORWAY, and RUSSIA while stirring heartily with a large metal tippy spoon. As everything starts getting cooked real good finally add in the UNITED STATES and VIETNAM. Allow all the countries to cook for at least 24 hours or until they all turn completely black and crummy. Remove all countries from the oil and lay them on a disappointing tray. Dump the BIG WADS OF BURLY FARM CHEESE on top and you're done. Serve piping hot so that all the nuances of the flavors can be fully appreciated.
DISCONTINUED FORMAT LASAGNA
Ingredients:
6 Floppy Disks
3 8-Track Tapes
5 78 RPM Records
2 Laserdiscs
4 Beta Videotapes
2 VHS Videotapes
25 Playtapes
2 DATs
50 boxes 35MM Camera Film
12 sheets of Lasagna Stuff
1 Box of Individual Tomato
4 Strips of Rodent Cheese
1 Potato SkinRemembering the past doesn't have to be expensive and difficult, it can be as easy as eating everyone's favorite dish...LASAGNA! To begin, place a large glass casserole dish on the counter and wet it good with some oily stuff. Then gently place one layer of FLOPPY DISKS on the bottom and put some SHEETS OF LASAGNA STUFF on top of them. Next, place a gentle layer of 8-TRACK TAPES on top and, once again, place a layer of LASAGNA on top. Now make a nice dense layer of 78 RMP RECORDS, LASERDISCS, and BETA VIDEOTAPES...making sure that each one is properly pushed up against the other. Then add another layer of LASAGNA. Now make a cool and thrifty layer of VHS VIDEOTAPES, PLAYTAPES, DATs, and 35MM CAMERA FILM before adding the final strips of LASAGNA. Then take the BOX OF INDIVIDUAL TOMATO and throw it over the top and then push the STRIPS OF RODENT CHEESE into it really hard so that it gets all mushy-like. Pop into a 450 degree oven for two hours, top with the POTATO SKIN and voila...DISCONTINUED FORMAT LASAGNA the entire family will love.
DOUBLE BATTERED REFRIED UGLIES
Ingredients:
12 Dogs
12 Cats
12 Bunnies
12 Chipmunks
4 Gallons Worm Medicine
4 Tubs Batter
4 Doubling Machine Parts
A sprig of leavesThrow the DOGS into a big mixing thing and make them stop moving. Throw in a TUB OF BATTER and stir vigorously. While things are getting mixed up, quickly fold in a GALLON OF WORM MEDICINE. Continue mixing until there is twice of everything and it is all worm-free. Now dump the CATS into the mixture and add a second TUB OF BATTER. Mix everything up real good while adding the second GALLON OF WORM MEDICINE. Now throw in all the BUNNIES and CHIPMUNKS real quick all at once. Mix with feverish intensity until you can't tell one animal from the other. Throw in the remaining BATTER and WORM MEDICINE. Get inside the bowl and stomp around like the big spoiled fatass baby that you are. Now reach up above your head and grab the DOUBLING MACHINE PARTS that are dangling from something. Dump them down as hard as you can while yelling about somethin' you can't do nuthin' about. Now make a pouty face as you realize how UGLY all this dumb crap looks. Refry everything until dirty brown. Then run around within a five mile radius worming everything and everyone in sight. When you can't find anything else to worm you're almost done. Now pour all the junk into a bunch of little bowls, top with a tightly wound SPRIG OF LEAVES and serve immeidately. Serves five hungry imbeciles.
DRUGS ON THE COB
Ingredients:
50 Hits of Blotter Acid
50 Valium Tablets
20 Marijuana Joints
50 Hydrocodone Pills
10 Sniffs Worth of Molly
10 Lines of Bath Salts
50 Hits of Ecstasy
10 Lines of Crystal Meth
50 Hits of Mescaline
10 Real Juicy Cobs of Corn
1 Polite Stick of Butter
10 Perfectly Infinite Sprinkles of Salt
There's nothing better than corn on the cob, is there? That may have been the case once upon a time. But times have changed. And now there is something better. And that thing that is now better is called DRUGS ON THE COB. It's a lot like corn on the cob. But it's much, much, much better. And you can bet your very best store bought booties that every single one of your goddamn friends will want seconds. It's so easy to make, too. So easy that you hardly even have to think. Boil the REAL JUICY COBS OF CORN until they are all the way done. Remove them and dry them off with a colorful little dish towel. Now remove one of the horizontal rows of kernels from each cob and replace it with the HITS OF BLOTTER ACID (five per ear). Leaving the next row of kernels intact, remove the next row and replace with the VALIUM TABLETS (five per ear). Once again leave the next row of kernels intact and remove the one next to it. Then replace it with the MARIJUANA JOINTS (two per ear). Cooking is kinda boring and irritating so go ahead and treat yourself to one hit of acid, one valium tablet, and one joint. There now, you're starting to feel a whole lot better. Once things start kicking in, get right back to work leaving another row of kernels intact and then removing the next one. Replace the empty row with the HYDROCODONE PILLS and SNIFFS WORTH OF MOLLY (five pills and one sniff per ear). Hell, why not go ahead and treat yourself to a pill and a sniff while you're at it. After all, what's the point of cooking if you can't enjoy it...? Now stare at those ears of corn really hard so that they appear to stay real still. Leave a row of kernels once again and remove the next row. This time, fill up the empty space with BATH SALTS, HITS OF ECSTASY, and LINES OF CRYSTAL METH (one salt line, five hits, and one meth line per ear). Go ahead and treat yourself to some of each. Hell, why not? There's nothing better to do. Besides, you can always get more. Now get a big sharp knife and carve away one last line of those huge pulsating kernels. Funny, they weren't vibrating and turning different colors a few minutes ago. Oh well, that's just how corn is these days. Now insert the HITS OF MESCALINE where the row of kernels once was (five per ear). You can sit down on the floor now and stare at the ceiling for a few hours. Your guests won't be arriving until later tonight anyway. There are so many things happening all the time when none of them really make a difference in the big scheme of things. Why is the world so difficult and pointless? And why does everyone seem to misinterpret everyone else's thoughts and ideas? How can everyone be so incredibly stupid, all at the very same time? Will things ever stop moving around? And what was supposed to be happening originally today anyway? When you regain consciousness, rub each cob down with the DAINTY STICK OF BUTTER and top off with some PERFECTLY INFINITE SPRINKLES OF SALT. Serve on paper plates and provide plenty of napkins. Serves two, five, ten, a dozen, or something like that...maybe animals, maybe machines, maybe mushed, maybe perforated. Serve to anything that gets near you and invite it to stay for a very long time. There will never be a need to cook ever again after today. Remember this as you lose consciousness, never to be seen or heard from again.
FIBROID WITH PEAS
Ingredients:
1 Fresh Meaty Fibroid
2 lbs. Fresh Little Peas
1 teaspoon Salt
1 cup Secret Sauce
1 Snippy GarnishHippity hop on over to the nearest chop shop and pick you up the nicest tenderest FRESH MEATY FIBROID on the slab. Take it home and lay it out straight, allowing it to become parallel to room temperature. While the Fibroid it cooling down or warming up, put a fresh pot of water on the stove and allow it to come to a boil. Then toss in the FRESH LITTLE PEAS and allow them to cook all the way through. While the Peas are cooking, toss in the SALT evenly around them all. When the Peas are cooked, drain them and pour them onto a large serving platter. Lay the Fibroid on top and ladle SECRET SAUCE (see recipe found elsewhere on this web site) evenly over the top so that it looks real real pretty. Top it off with a SNIPPY GARNISH and serve immediately. Serves ten to twelve hungry mindless individuals who work in the health care insurance industry.
FILET OF REGRETS
Ingredients:
3 Failed Attempts at Success
5 Crying Fits About Past Romances That Never Were Meant To Be
1 dozen bags of Guilt About The Way You Treated Friends Who Have Now Passed Away
1 large truckload of Sadness About Life In General
15 dollops of Sadness About What A Miserable Failure You Turned Out To Be
Cheer UP there, boys and girls...a Filet Of Regret will fill you up more than you ever thought you could be filled up! So just how do you make a goddamn filet that you'll never EVER forget? Well hell dumb fuckers...it's easy as one, two, THREE...so get ready...cuz here we GO. Grab the largest mixing bowl you can locate and slam it on the counter. Wipe it around with a dirty rag to make sure it isn't quite clean enough. Without giving it too much thought dump in the FAILED ATTEMPTS AT SUCCESS and mush them around real good. While they're beginning to get tough, generously toss in the CRYING FITS ABOUT PAST ROMANCES THAT NEVER WERE MEANT TO BE. While the romances begin to dissolve, lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling with a meaningless look of loss on your face. Life just hasn't turned out the way you thought it would, has it? Oh, the regrets...regrets, regrets, and MORE regrets... Okay, get back up now you worthless sissy. Now grab those bags full of GUILT ABOUT THE WAY YOU TREATED FRIENDS WHO HAVE NOW PASSED AWAY. Toss them into the mixture and make sure that everything binds correctly. Have a happy little smile as you drive the TRUCKLOAD OF SADNESS ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL right up near the mixing bowl. As the sadness pours down, cascading in torrents like the most gentle tears of a lovely baby antelope...flip the DOLLOPS OF SADNESS ABOUT WHAT A MISERABLE FAILURE YOU TURNED OUT TO BE. Slop everything into a square metal pan and pop it into the refrigerator for two months. Then serve to a group of shitty people you never ever wanted to see again under any circumstances. Watch as the sad blue faces turn happy, red, and all lit up. Eat every ounce of the filet with a glimmer of hope in your eye. Things will never get any better...but you can always live in a phony dream believing that there's still a slight chance your life won't be a big pathetic and crappy waste of energy. Mmmmm-mmm...sure tastes GROOVY!
FILTHY ALTERNATIVE CHIPS
Ingredients:
3,523 Chips
1 teaspoon Salt
15 lbs. of Hot Grease
7 cups Sloppy Mud
5 cups Dirt
1 quart Waste Material
2 gallons Body Fluid
2 dozen Pornographic MagazinesRegular Potato Chips used to be good, good, good. But now that things are all different, regular Potato Chips are bad, bad, BAD. It's kinda just like everything. Everything used to be good. But that was before everyone decided that everything you eat is horrible and awful. Rather than get involved in pointless arguments with the shallow assholes who have taken over the planet, a better alternative is to take actions that make them think you want to act and be like them. Eat organic things that don't have any additional nutritional value. And waste your money on foods that look and taste the same as their unhealthy alternatives...but cost TEN TIMES as much. It's easy...and there's no easier thing to please your retarded green friends than a nice inviting bowl of home-prepared Filthy Alternative Chips. But how do you make them? How do you make those Alternative Chips that everyone is going to love to shreds? You don't have to worry no more...because that's what we're going to prepare right this goddamn minute. Buy a bunch of chips...a whole goddamn lot of chips...3,523 CHIPS to be exact. Lay the chips all over the floor until each one is all perfect and pretty-like. Throw the SLOPPY MUD into a heap and stomp on it. Then parade around on the chips until all the mud is slopped all over them. Now dump the WASTE MATERIAL in a corner and roll around in it. Then roll all over the chips until all of the material has adhered to the chips. Put the DIRT in a pail and slowly dump it all over the chips. Then take the BODY FLUID and just pour it all over the goddamn place. Now pour the HOT GREASE into a bathtub and toss in the SALT. Then run pick up all the chips and toss them into the bathtub along with all the pages from the PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES. As everything cooks, pat yourself on the back for coming up with something that was once BAD...but is now GOOD. Aren't you a great little modern eater? Well of course you are. You're a good little eater who knows how to fool yourself into thinking your efforts actually MATTER...
GASTRIC BYPASS DAWGS
Ingredients:
100 pure Pork and Beef Dawgs
Red Dye #7
Red Paint #4
Red Ink #15
12 Rubberization Packets
5 gallons Super Effective Oil
5 gallons Ultra Mod Lubricant
1 tub Grease
1 10CC Glass Syringe
Ultra-Stiff Wooden Food Pushers (Extra Large)Now that you and your friends have all had Gastric Bypass surgery, getting that nice full satisfied feeling just isn't as easy as it once was...is it? Well those days don't have to be days gone by. Once you serve up a hot piping platter of Gastric Bypass Dawgs everyone will think it's 1987 all over again. To begin, grab up all them PORK AND BEEF DAWGS and line 'em all up on some good quality cookie sheets. Then, using a super fine paint brush, apply the RED DYE #7, the RED PAINT #4, and the RED INK #15 individually to each dawg, making sure that it's all evenly distributed from one end to the other. Now throw the SUPER EFFECTIVE OIL, ULTRA MOD LUBRICANT, and GREASE into a great big vat and push it all around with a great big spoon...while carefully folding in the RUBBERIZATION PACKETS. Once the mixture is all proper and stuff, use the 10CC GLASS SYRINGE to suck it all up. Then inject each dawg with a good solid dose of the stuff to make it so that each one can squeeze right into some really tight spaces. Toss all them cookies sheets into a big oven and cook for one hour. Now it's time to serve. Each guest receives ten piping hot dawgs laid out on a big hearty platter. As each guest gobbles up their dawgs, give them an ULTRA-STIFF WOODEN FOOD PUSHER (extra large size only) to help stuff 'em down their throat so that they get to the stomach place. If there's any difficulty getting the dawgs to go down all the way, just add some additional ULTRA MOD LUBRICANT to each one to help 'em get to where they oughta be. After all ten dawgs has been stuffed down, your guests will have nice hazy smiles on their faces as they realize that they truly have been fed up to the max. Remember...losing weight doesn't have to be easy. It can be as difficult as one-two-THREE.
GERM SOUP
Ingredients:
1 cup Perfect Germs
1 cup Flu Germs
1 cup Underarm Germs
1 cup Pubic Germs
1 cup Outside Germs
1 cup Confusion Germs
1 cup Asian Germs
1 cup Determined Germs
1 cup Disturbing Germs
2 quarts Chicken Broth
1 teaspoon Chair Salt
1 Celery Stalk
1 Annoying Facial ExpressionThere's nothing to warm the tummy like a steaming hot bowl of Germ Soup. Everyone loves soup...and here's one with a slightly different aroma and flair for those fussy and hard-to-please eaters. Plop one large metal cooking pot on the stove and pour in the CHICKEN BROTH. Set the stove to "simmer" and let the broth heat all the way up. Slowly add in the PERFECT GERMS, the FLU GERMS, and the UNDERARM GERMS while stirring with a constant motion. Now cut up the CELERY STALK and slowly toss it into the mixture. Next, add the PUBIC GERMS, the OUTSIDE GERMS, and the CONFUSION GERMS while stirring the soup with a jerky whipping motion. Allow the ANNOYING FACIAL EXPRESSION to take over your whole dumb face as you toss in the CHAIR SALT. Stir again. Now add the ASIAN GERMS, the DETERMINED GERMS, and the DISTURBING GERMS as you slowly lower the heat on the stove. Before you remove the soup from the serve, wet your hand and rub it on the floor allowing some miscellaneous germs to attach themselves to your hand. As you ladle the soup into individual eating bowls, gently scrape some of the floor germs off your hand so that it lands right onto the top of each one. Serves six hungry soup lovers.
GLASSY DING DINGS
Ingredients:
1 lb. Flour
2 cups Sugar
4 sheets Cobalt Blue Glass
4 sheets Red Ruby Glass
4 sheets Top Green Glass
2 dozen Extra Tiny Dings
1 frozen Dog Egg
Limpy Old Moss
Don't break your family's heart when dinner time comes. There's not a husband or child in the house that can resist the tasty proportions provided by GLASSY DING DINGS. In an extra small large mixing bowl sift the FLOUR and SUGAR together so that they become one. Then take the sheets of COBALT BLUE GLASS and crush them into small pieces. Add to the Flour and Sugar mixture. Next, take the sheets of RED RUBY GLASS and break them into extra long shards. Add to the mixture. Now put the sheets of TOP GREEN GLASS on the counter and pound with a large rubber mallet. Add to mixture. Break the DOG EGG open and scramble it up good. Then add to the mixture. Now throw in the EXTRA TINY DINGS, making sure each is covered completely. Now remove the Dings and lay on your very best quality party tray. Sprinkle with LIMPY OLD MOSS...and you're DONE.
GLUTEN-FREE PIGLUMP
Ingredients:
1 extremely large oversized Piglump
1 wheelbarrow of Lump Extract
1 Instant Gluten Remover
5 rows of Corn
3 pints Ceiling Wax
1 bed of Oak LeavesThere's a mighty tasty lump just waiting to be devoured. Who in their right mind wouldn't be dreaming of chomping down on some good ol' Gluten-Free Piglump for dinner this evening? This handy dandy dinner can be whupped up in just a few hours, even by the tiniest of chefs. To begin, reach real low down there and grab yourself the LARGE OVERSIZED PIGLUMP and cram it onto a big metal platter. Now grab a big antique glass syringe and suck up the LUMP EXTRACT in single doses and inject it into the lump. Pump each dose hard so it gets real tight into the muscle tissue. Next lay the INSTANT GLUTEN REMOVER on top and leave it for three hours so that all of that horrible bad sinful gluten that all them big movie stars hates is all gone away. Now run up and down the ROWS OF CORN while melting CEILING WAX all over your pretty feet. When you get past the final row of corn, slop the Piglump in the middle of the table on a BED OF OAK LEAVES and ask everyone to eat as fast and hard as they can. Serves five million starving croutons.
GRAPE NITS WITH PORK MILK
Ingredients:
2 Big Things of Grape Nits
1 Blended Sugar Thing
4 Cups of Pork Milk
1 Small MiceHere's an easy thing that's an easy thing to fix and it's a good thing because it's a thing that's really good. And the ease of preparation is a breeze as well...for all kinds of things! Grab four bowls and place them all in a line. Then grab you up some of them there BIG THINGS OF GRAPE NITS and pour into the bowls...making sure there's an equal amount in each one so that your guests don't get angry and beat up one another. Gently pour the PORK MILK over the nits and allow to sit for two minutes. Then grind up the BLENDED SUGAR THING over the top of each one so that it creates a gentle layer of something on top. Then quarter up the SMALL MICE using your sharpest cutting knife and put one warm juicy slab over the top of each enchanted bowl. Serve cold to anyone who has no idea of what's going on.
IRRITATING PEOPLE ROLL UPS
Ingredients:
1 Person Who Has No Clue About What Personal Space Means
1 Lady Who Is So Goddamn Fat She Can't Even Walk Correctly
2 Children Whose Parents Should Never Have Had Children In The First Place
1 Airhead Whose Main Mission In Life Is Pushing For Gay And Lesbian Rights
3 Wirey Old Men Who Are In Desperate Need of Baths, Haircuts, and Skin Lotion
1 Critically Obsessed College Girl Who Uses The Word Green Constantly
2 Friends Who Always Want To Be Heard But Never Want To Listen
1 Greedy Pig Who Thinks That Earning Money Is The Most Important Mission On Earth
1 Stinking Old Bitty Whose Offensive Body Odor Could Level An Entire Continent
1 Nervous Retarded Moron On The Road Who Thinks He Must Always Drive Two Or Three Inches Behind Other Vehicles
4 Aging Old Lesbians Whose Lives Are Centered Around Herbs, Prisms, and Humus
15 Big Ripe Solid Apples
A lot of Tolerant Cooking Oil
A Stack of Flat Rice Circle Things
Pepper
Even if you're not hungry, you can bet your nuts that IRRITATING PEOPLE ROLL UPS are fun as heck to make...plus they make the world a little more tolerable for the rest of us! Grab the PERSON WHO HAS NO CLUE ABOUT WHAT PERSONAL SPACE MEANS and beat it mercilessly with a meat cleaver. Place it aside. Next, place the LADY WHO IS SO GODDAMN FAT SHE CAN'T EVEN WALK CORRECTLY onto the counter and pound until it is tender. Place it aside. Now get hold of the CHILDREN WHOSE PARENTS SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAD CHILDREN IN THE FIRST PLACE. Batter them from head to toe with the meat cleaver until they stop moving. Place them aside. Now take hold of the AIRHEAD WHOSE MAIN MISSION IN LIFE IS PUSHING FOR GAY AND LESBIAN RIGHTS. Place it inside a large plastic bag until it stops breathing. Now beat with the meat cleaver and place it aside. Get your hands on the WIREY OLD MEN WHO ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF BATHS, HAIRCUTS, AND SKIN LOTION. Beat them with the cleaver, really hard. Then place them aside. Now hold the CRITICALLY OBSESSED COLLEGE GIRL WHO USES THE WORD GREEN CONSTANTLY and push hard down upon the counter. Beat with cleaver. Place aside. Next, take the FRIENDS WHO ALWAYS WANT TO BE HEARD BUT NEVER WANT TO LISTEN. Beat them until they are tender and place aside. Now grab the GREEDY PIG WHO THINKS THAT EARNING MONEY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON EARTH. Beat and place aside. Next take the STINKING OLD BITTY WHOSE OFFENSIVE BODY ODOR COULD LEVEL AN ENTIRE CONTINENT. Wash and beat thoroughly and place aside. Now grab hold of the NERVOUS RETARDED MORON ON THE ROAD WHO THINKS HE MUST ALWAYS DRIVE TWO OR THREE INCHES BEHIND OTHER VEHICLES. Beat and place aside. Finally, take the AGING OLD LESBIANS WHOSE LIVES ARE CENTERED AROUND HERBS, PRISMS, AND HUMUS and place on the counter. Beat with meat tenderizer for one hour or until tender. Place aside. Now take the BIG RIPE SOLID APPLES and cram one inside each of the mouths of all of the above ingredients. Then place each ingredient inside one of the FLAT RICE CIRCLE THINGS and roll up super tight. Toss on a splash of TOLERANT COOKING OIL and place in a frying pan. Cook for five hours on high heat. Then sprinkle with PEPPER and...you're done.
JUMBO DUMP CAKES
Ingredients:
Materials from 10,532 Junk Yards From All Over The World
15,000 Gallons of Oil
Some Oatmeal
1 Cup of Flour
1 Study Egg
1/2 Cup Flimsy Milk
1 Chocolate Bar
4 Cans of Stock IcingThis one requires a lot of prep work so you'd better get started early. Drain the water from the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans completely and allow the bottoms to dry. Once dry, begin transporting MATERIALS FROM 10,532 JUNK YARDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD into the ocean areas and lay out flat. Then promptly pour the GALLONS OF OIL on top so that everything is covered up good. Sprinkle the OATMEAL and FLOUR into both ocean cavities along with the STUDY EGG, FLIMSY MILK, and CHOCOLATE BAR. Stir everything up real good and then let the sun shine down hard on it for a few hours until done. Use a toothpick to see when the cakes are ready. When they are, open up the CANS OF STOCK ICING and spread evenly over the top using a nice curvy motion. Serves one million hungry eaters.
LADY CHEESE
Ingredients:
1 Cup From Kathy
1 Quart From Lina
1 Tablespoon from Frannie
1 Gallon from Hattie Mae
2 Tablespoons Fermentation Implementer
1 Teaspoon SaltAnimals have had control of the cheese industry for far, far, far too long. Let's let the ladies have their day in the cheese factories of the world. And what better place to begin than in the cottage industries of today's individual households. LADY CHEESE is a tasty treat that can be used in a variety of different things. And it always pleases, no matter what! Pour the CUP FROM KATHY, the QUART FROM LINA, the TABLESPOON FROM FRANNIE, and the GALLON FROM HATTIE MAE into a big metal vat. While it is sitting there, slowly drip in the TABLESPOONS OF FERMENTATION IMPLEMENTER. Then toss in the TEASPOON OF SALT and prepare to wait a while. Lady Cheese is something that can't be made in an hour or a day. It takes weeks or sometimes even months or years. Each day when you wake up, check to see the progress. Is it thick yet? Is it properly cheesy? And is it ready to eat? No specific rules here, you'll know when it's time to consume your special cheese. Be sure to invite friends over to share in the delight. Mmmmmmmm-mmmmm...it sure tastes yummy!
LIVER LOAF WITH WARM BROWN
Ingredients:
1 Cow Liver
1 Fox Liver
1 Eagle Liver
1 Mouse Liver
1 Trout Liver
1 Magic Liver
1 Finch Liver
1 Elephant Liver
1 Dog Liver
1 Woman Liver
1 Dalmation Liver
1 Parakeet Liver
1 Midget Liver
1 Slightly Disorganized Liver
1 Mystery Liver
1 Super Tender Liver
1 Big Tough Spotted Liver
10 Lovely Fresh Eggs
1/2 cup Disease-Free Milk
2 gallons of Warm Brown
2 tablespoons pepperThere is love in every barnish meal that you cook. For the best kitchen experience you won't ever do no better than to have an experience of creation for the mighty fine Liver Loaf With Warm Brown. It's easy...it's quick...it's efficient...and it's as TASTY as MAGIC MARBLES. To begin, lay a great big plastic Sears bowl on the counter real steady like. Now take all them damn LIVERS and flop 'em on top of one another in the bowl. Take an electric grinder and push it down hard into the real meat of the organs...allowing all the fibers of the tissue to mingle and mix together as though they are one. The grinding may take an hour or so to ensure that all the tissues are mushed up properly, but this is the most important part of the process so do not skimp or sway. Once all the LIVERS are properly mushed slowly add in the DISEASE-FREE MILK. Then beat the LOVELY FRESH EGGS in a separate bowl before adding them to the mixture. Now take your naked raw hands and squish everything around real good. The mess that gets caught underneath your fingernails is still edible stuff so remember to remove it and return it to the bowl before washing your hands. Now push all the livery stuff into a baking pan and push it into the oven for one hour. Next pour the WARM BROWN into a large saucepan and place on the stove. Allow to simmer for 30 minutes or until it is exactly 98.6 degrees. Sprinkle the PEPPER onto the WARM BROWN. Remove the LIVER LOAF from the oven and slowly ladle the WARM BROWN all over the top. Your loaf is now ready to serve...and it's always sure to please...
MEASUREMENT BLINTZES
Ingredients:
3 cups
2 quarts
A pinch
1 tablespoon
3 pounds
A dash
2 teaspoons
7 ounces
A sprinkle
5 cans
There ain't no mathematician in the house what can't resist the pure taste of them thar MEASUREMENT BLINTZES. Are they hard to make? NO! Are they EASY to make? YES! And the best part is...all you need is a few things to get them damn things up and running for your very SPECIAL PARTY GUESTS in no time flat. Use a large stainless steel bowl to combine ingredients. Pour the THREE CUPS into the bowl and then slowly ladle in the TWO QUARTS. Mix thoroughly and then add A PINCH. Toss in ONE TABLESPOON and then combine it all with THREE POUNDS. Knead the mixture with your raw hands while adding A DASH. Let everything sit for a moment and then sprinkle TWO TEASPOONS on top while introducing SEVEN OUNCES into the equation. Mix with a large straddling spoon and allow to cool. Put A SPRINKLE on top before covering with FIVE CANS. Place inside a 575 degree oven for one hour and...B-I-N-G-O, you're DONE! Serve instantly.
MEAT STINKERS
Ingredients:
1 lb. Fresh Veal Meat
1 lb. Fresh Quail Meat
1 lb. Fresh Pig Meat
1 lb. Fresh Midget Meat
1 Quart of Stink
3 tablespoons Molly Oil
2 cups Common Cheese BlobsThis is a QUICK and EASY main dish you can cook up in minutes when you're short on time, short on money, short on ideas, or short on ingredients. To begin, grind up the FRESH VEAL MEAT and FRESH QUAIL MEAT and politely smush it into the bottom of a greased glass bowl. In a separate bowl, grind up the FRESH PIG MEAT and the FRESH MIDGET MEAT and set it aside. Using a slow and steady spinning motion, add the QUART OF STINK to the first bowl making sure not to lose any of the fresh magnetic energy. Then sprinkle in the MOLLY OIL and mix generously. Allow both bowls to sit for 48 hours in direct sunlight. Then combine the contents of the first bowl with the contents of the second bowl and massage with feverish intensity until everything is all squished up tight. Then slop out little blobs of stuff in tiny individual piles on a large metal cookie sheet until it is all used up. Make 'em in swell cute shapes if you like. Bake at 500 degrees for three hours and serve piping hot. Then watch as your guests sway and delight at the wonder of freshly cooked MEAT STINKERS. The aroma is downright irresistible... Mmmmmm, mmmmmm....goddamn it all to Hell them damn things sure does taste good!
MINKY DUMPLIN'S WAGGY PUNKIN STRIPS
Ingredients:
1 cup of Frozen Hire
1/2 cup Waggy
2 pints Crawly Sass
3 quarts Puttered Meow
2 tablespoons Waaa
1 sprinkle of Teenie Li
1 Very Large Overdone Punkin
1 bottle of Prod Mush
Some Magic SwishLong before she died on the planet edge, MINKY DUMPLIN was remembered far and near for creating some of the best eating things that was ever come up with. But there ain't no doubt that her best remembered meal was for those unforgettable WAGGY PUNKIN STRIPS. The recipe was way too damn secret for many, many years. But just some weeks ago there was some investigation somewhere that turned up the original hand-wrote recipe. And lo and behold how the skies parted and shifted, just enough so that the recipe could be shared with those arms that waved to and fro across the scarlet-like magical sky. The good news is that you don't need magic to create these strips although just a teeny tiny bit of it sure will help. Grab up your biggest fry pan and slam it on your biggest stove eye. Make sure it's right on the middle so that the heat will be evenly distributed. As the pan heats all the way up, put you in some FROZEN HIRE and WAGGY, being sure to mix it a little bit along the way. As they begin to get hot, put in the CRAWLY SASS and PUTTERED MEOW. Allow to get sizzly, even if it means some smoke goes rallying around in the neighborhood. Gently trindle in the WAAA and TEENIE LI as you begin saying different words real loud. Now comes the good part. Cut up one VERY LARGE OVERDONE PUNKIN and cut it into nice tight strips. Lay them inside the damn frying pan and gently ladle with the PROD MUSH. Then grab some different utensils and do all kinds of MAGIC SWISH everywhere in the kitchen to cause important stuff to occur. Allow the strips to cook for three minutes then serve. Allow your friends to eat. And be sure to remind them what eating really is.
MISS MERCY'S SQUIRRELED SWIRLS
Ingredients:
1 Elementary School Teacher named Miss Mercy
1 Blackboard
1 Overly Explosive Vomit with Super Smell
1 Slightly Disoriented Janitor
3 Large Bags of Vomit Powder
1 Mop
1 Large Metal Mop Bucket
30 Attentive But Socially Dysfunctional School ChildrenEveryone's talking about MISS MERCY'S SQUIRRELED SWIRLS lately...they're a real TASTY TREAT that no one can resist! To make them, you will first need to seat the ATTENTIVE BUT SOCIALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL SCHOOL CHILDREN in a classroom and have them be very quiet. Then have the ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER NAMED MISS MERCY (whose first name is LAWDY) stand in front of the class and begin teaching. After about five minutes, have one of the school children suddenly stand up and deliver some OVERLY EXPLOSIVE VOMIT WITH SUPER SMELL all over the floor. Have Miss Mercy hike her dress way up high and squat on the floor, allowing much of the vomit to soak into her panties. Then thrust her up onto a chair and command her to point her butt at the blackboard and squirrel some big colorful swirls all over it. Allow the swirls to dry thoroughly. Now watch as all of the other children begin heaving in unison due to the sudden intensity of the bad smell. Then summon the SLIGHTLY DISORIENTED JANITOR to come and save the day. Have him toss the LARGE BAGS OF VOMIT POWDER onto the puddle. Then give him a MOP and let him slop all the smelly powdered globs into the LARGE METAL MOP BUCKET. Thirty minutes later, peel the dried up vomit swirls from the blackboard. Roll 'em up tight and serve 'em piping cold. Kids just love 'em...and adults will love 'em too!
PERPETUAL TURNOVERS
Ingredients:
5,000 lbs. Squishy Material
5,000 Different Things
25 lbs. Totem Sprinkle
5,000 Little Red ThingsHold your head high and look yourself right in the eye....it's time to begin preparing Perpetual Turnovers for every friendly face in town! These warm tasty turnovers are the perfect thing to make in Winter, Spring, Easter, Monday, and at Midnight. There's never a hungry eye in the house when Perpetual Turnovers are in town. First dump the SQUISHY MATERIAL into an empty swimming pool, invite your friends over, and everyone have a grand ol' time stomping around on it. When the material is properly prepared, take it out and roll it out flat with some telephone poles. Now cut the material up into one pound segments and flop it out real nice and flat on a heavily greased turnover sheet. Next, take the DIFFERENT THINGS one by one and place each on top of the Squishy Material squares. You can use whatever things you like but things that have been used in the past include BIG LEGS, GRAINY PHOTOGRAPHS, COMPUTER CHIPS, LIVER, COWS, MIDGETS, CHOW CHOW, FLOPPY METAL GUNS, and PORCH BANANAS. After each thing has been placed on a square, roll it up tight and put it back on the sheet. Toss a small amount of TOTEM SPRINKLE on the top of each turnover and top with LITTLE RED THINGS. Now just pop 'em in the over and let 'em bake at 400 degrees for eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has peen properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then remove all the sheets and begin turning over all the turnovers. Do it slowly and proficiently so as not to disturb the gentle insides. After each has been properly turned over, pop each sheet back into the oven and let cook for another eight hours. Then continue to infinity. The process is neverending and can never be resolved.
RETSIN POLKA PUMPERS
Ingredients:
50 cups of 100% Pure Liquid Retsin
50 cups of 100% Pure Crystal Retsin
7 lean strips of Polka
14 Tiny Little Electrical Machine Kinda Things
Parsley
Salt
Pepper
7 Tablespoons of ButtThere's nothing to put the capper on a delicious evening meal like an enticing plate full of Retsin Polka Pumpers. Not nuthin', not no way, not NEVER. But these damn things have to be prepared in advance so you need to get started a day or two early. So let's go, go, GO before all the time runs out. Lay out the LEAN STRIPS OF POLKA onto a cutting board and evenly slice each one in half using a precise and delicate imported shiny carving knife. Next, pour the 100% PURE LIQUID RETSIN into a super huge tray and dump the 100% PURE CRYSTAL RETSIN into another tray that's about the same size. Lay the strips of Polka in the Liquid Retsin and let them soak for ten hours. After they have properly soaked, gently lay each strip in the Crystal Retsin making sure that each side gets evenly covered. Now plop the strips in the Liquid Retsin again and let them soak for another ten hours. Then remove and sprinkle with the remaining Crystal Retsin and lay them out on a thin sheet of wax paper. Now lay a TINY LITTLE ELECTRICAL MACHINE KINDA THING inside the middle portion of each Polka strip. Then roll each one tightly, taking great care to make sure the machines are completely covered up. Sprinkle with PARSLEY, SALT, PEPPER, and BUTT. Just before serving the Pumpers, turn them all on and watch as they magically begin to pump like the frantic little mothers that they are. Your guests will FROLIC with DELIGHT as those wonderful little Pumpers slide and shimmy down the backs of their hungry little throats. Ooo-la-la...such a wonderful and tasty treat...
SCRAMBLED FOOD
Ingredients:
1 gallon Grape Juice
1 quart Big Shrimps
2 cups Lamb Liver
2 pints Sugar
3 quarts Sweetened Condensed Milk
1 cup Sardines
2 cups Cow Brains
3 cups Salted Peanuts
25 Large Eggs
2 cups Salt
3 cups Tobasco Sauce
5 Rose Flowers
3 slabs Taffy
100 Styrofoam Chips
1 can Whipped Cream
15 Bird Embryos
1 Fresh Warm Charity DonationThere's something new on the menu tonight...and it's causing some big random excitement in every corner of the universe. To make this delicate delight, you'll need something really big to scramble in...we would suggest an extra large plastic garbage can. That way, none of the tasty nuances of the dish get lost. First pour in the GRAPE JUICE and the BIG SHRIMPS. Next, smush the LAMB LIVER into a lazy groovy pulp and then toss it in with the other stuff. Sprinkle the SUGAR over the mixture and pour in the SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK. Now scramble it all together using an oversized boat motor. After all them things has done got scrambled, add in the SARDINES, the COW BRAINS, the SALTED PEANUTS, and the LARGE EGGS. Now grab that goddamn boat motor again and crank it up to super high mode. Scramble all that stuff harder than you did the first time. Remember, if everything isn't scrambled all the way your dish will be a failure. Now add the SALT, the TOBASCO SAUCE, and the ROSE FLOWERS. Rev up that goddamn motor again and scramble the mess some more, even if it takes four or five hours to get it all done right. Next, add the TAFFY, the STYROFOAM CHIPS, and the WHIPPED CREAM. Now get up on top of that boat motor and turn it all the way up as high as it will go. Scramble and scramble and scramble some more...because you're pretty damn near close to gettin' done now. Just before you're ready to serve your guests, gently add in the BIRD EMBRYOS and then hoist yourself right up there on top of the garbage can and give it your very best FRESH WARM CHARITY DONATION. Scramble non-stop for three more months and you're done. Best when served with toasted carrot tops, steamed rice, or freshly snipped toaster waifs. Note that this dish is not recommended for queasy eaters who are fussy about different food items touching one another on their plates.
SECRET SAUCE
Ingredients:
1 cup Mystery Greasy Stuff
3 teaspoons Invisible Powder
4 Stems of an Imported Plant
1 Shot of Uncertain Liquid
2 dozen Unknown Globs
7 Power KnobsThis recipe is for a scarcely-if-ever-conceived SECRET SAUCE that is sure to please even the most discriminating little nursery feaster in the neighborhood. Find a remote location that no one knows about and sit at the counter there. Plop a big plastic bowl down on it and grab the MYSTERY GREASY STUFF. Slop it in the bowl while tossing the INVISIBLE POWDER all around everywhere. Quietly take the STEMS OF AN IMPORTED PLANT and let them dreamily drift on top of the mixture. Suddenly clutch the SHOT OF UNCERTAIN LIQUID and unload it on top of the stuff in the bowl. Cram the UNKNOWN GLOBS real hard on top and scre w them in with the POWER KNOBS. What does the sauce taste like? It's a secret. What should the sauce be used with? It's a secret. How much of the sauce should you use? It's a secret. Whatever then should you do with all the goddamn sauce that you've created? It's a secret.
SHORT SLEEVES WITH MUSTARD BITCH
Ingredients:
24 Short Sleeves
1 Cup Papa Broth
5 Sprigs of Parsley
1 Can of Seventeen Things
2 Cans Hot Mustard
2 Cans Mild Mustard
1 Sack of Caramel ParticlesDinner is a time for thanks and a time for consumption. Here's a dish you can whip up in mere minutes. To begin, remove the SHORT SLEEVES from twelve of your favorite shirts and/or blouses. Lay in a warm tray full of PAPA BROTH and allow to sit for eight hours. Once the sleeves have absorbed the broth, place on a nice clean monkey sheet with each one laid out evenly. Politely ladle the HOT MUSTARD and MILD MUSTARD into a bowl along with the SPRIGS OF PARSLEY and the CAN OF SEVENTEEN THINGS. Mix well or until totally ready. Slowly bitch the mustard onto the sleeves until it all looks like a real groovy painting or something. Then sprinkle with the CARAMEL PARTICLES until ready to serve.
SHRIMPLOAD WITH CHIFFON SAUCE
Ingredients:
100 Super Extra Large Great Big Shrimps
1 Cup of Meat Load
1 Cup of Cheese Load
1 Cup of Vegetable Load
1 Cup of Variety Load
7 Fresh Chiffons
2 Cups of Instant Study SaucePeel those SUPER EXTRA LARGE GREAT BIG SHRIMPS as fast as you possibly can. Faster, faster, faster, FASTER...until they're all completely peeled and nekkid. Dump the damn things on a cookie sheet thing and grab a big metal spoon. Hold the spoon as tight as you possibly can and dip it real hard into the CUP OF MEAT LOAD. Spread open 25 of the SHRIMPS and push that stuff inside of them so that it stays still. Now push those SHRIMPS to the side and grab you up another 25. Now dip up some stuff from the CUP OF CHEESE LOAD making sure to get as much of it on your spoon as you can. Cram that stuff into the SHRIMPS with a nice stompy motion. Now push those to the side and grab your next 25. Double dip your spoon into the CUP OF VEGETABLE LOAD and cram it inside the crustaceans with determination and futility. Now push them to the side. Grab the last 25 and use your spoon to push the CUP OF VARIETY LOAD into each one so that it is popping out all over the place on all sides. Next, put all the stuff into an oven and let it cook all the way through...making sure that none of the LOADS get UNLOADED. While the cooking is taking place crush up the FRESH CHIFFONS and lob them into the INSTANT STUDY SAUCE. Simmer for two seconds. Remove the SHRIMPS from the oven and gently wet them down with the CHIFFON SAUCE. They're gonna taste great, goddamn it...absolutely GREAT. Eat 'em up nice and hearty-like with your most favorite mentally challenged friends.
STUFFED STUFF
Ingredients:
2 lbs. Lean Stuff
1/2 cup Powdered Stuff
1/4 cup Ground Stuff
3 teaspoons Unsweetened Stuff
1 cup Liquid Stuff
7 Strips of Hard Stuff
2 Chunks of Chewy Stuff
5 Balls of Stuffing StuffLay all the LEAN STUFF on top of the counter and beat it all to Hell. Keep beating it until you can tell that the Stuff is real damn tender. Then lay it on a tray and pour the LIQUID STUFF on top and let it sit in the refrigerator for two hours. While the Liquid Stuff is gettin' soaked up by the Lean Stuff, grab you up a big ol' trusty bowl and flop it down in front of you. Then dump the POWDERED STUFF, the GROUND STUFF, and the UNSWEETENED STUFF into the bowl and begin mixing with an electronic mixing machine. Hint: You may want to let your fingers get caught in between the mixing blades for extra flavor. Once the mixture is all mixed around, slowly add the STRIPS OF HARD STUFF and the CHUNKS OF CHEWY STUFF. Then grab the BALLS OF STUFFING STUFF and smush it all around in your hands so that your fingers are thoroughly covered up. Then proceed to squish everything together so that it seems like it matters somehow. Now get that Lean Stuff out of the refrigerator and cut it into seven inch squares. Roll each square up so that it has the potential to be stuffed. Then grab some big lumps of the stuff from the bowl and cram it real hard into each roll of Lean Stuff making sure that each teeny tiny part of the inside is completely stuffed all the way up. After all the Stuff has been stuffed, you're done. Ready to serve up for any extra special occasion.
SUSIE WONG SPICY EMBRYO STIR FRY
Ingredients:
10 Freshly Removal of Embryos
1 Sniff of Embryo Spicy
1 Dollop Eye Fluid
1/2 Cup Oil Grease
2 Celery of Stalking
4 Barely Spared Onion
1 Head of Poodle Dog
1 Gallon of Special Ingredient of Not KnowingThis recipe one of all time favorite from Susie Wong, was making since long ago for many very important individual. First step is to obtain ten FRESHLY REMOVAL OF EMBRYOS from unnamed sources. Freshly embryo is crucial to success of very good dish. Scoop CUP OIL GREASE into best super large wok and allow for melting. Once wok very hot add embryo and allow to brown well. While turning for even cook, add in SNIFF OF EMBRYO SPICY and DOLLOP EYE FLUID. Toss embryo around for frequency while cutting and adding CELERY OF STALKING. While celery is for cooking chop up BARELY SPARED ONION and add to wok. Once all ingredient complete for total cooking, slowly lower HEAD OF POODLE DOG over top and allow to rest in semi-artsy position. Now shower with GALLON OF SPECIAL INGREDIENT OF NOT KNOWING. While dish is to steam being quick to distribute on each plate for happy consuming by many good friend. Dish always make friend plenty happy because of rich spicy flavor and very best natural organic for not so happy family.
TEENIE TINY LITTLES
Ingredients:
50 Very Small Bugs
25 Little Tiny Pins
70 Eensie Teensie Dots
10 Almost Impossible To See Watch Parts
300 Silver BB's
2 Paper Clips
50 Miniature Nails
50 Hardly There At All Screws
One Tub Of High Quality Binding Material
Some Tufts of CinnamonWhen it is time to shed a few pounds you'll be gladder than ever to have the smallest of things ripe and ready in your kitchen. And those are the things that would be called TEENIE TINY LITTLES. Get a big metal pot and sit it down. Pour in the VERY SMALL BUGS and the LITTLE TINY PINS. Mix around with a big metal spoon for about five minutes. Then slowly add in the EENSIE TEENSIE DOTS and the ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE WATCH PARTS. Grind them hard into the mixture with the spoon, using extra force if necessary. Next toss in the SILVER BB's and PAPER CLIPS. Begin to whip with a slapping motion as you ensure that everything is properly distributed. Now add the MINIATURE NAILS and the HARDLY THERE AT ALL SCREWS. To make everything adhere as it should, you will need to combine everything with a TUB OF HIGH QUALITY BINDING MATERIAL. The material may be hard to work with at first but as it becomes warm things get easier. Mix for about a month or so until you realize you need to do something else. Then cut the stuff up into very small cubes and sift the TUFTS OF CINNAMON on the tops and...you're done, dammit! All the way completely DONE!
TOASTERED SUGAR BLOPS
Ingredients:
15 pounds of Sugar
10 pounds of Honey
12 pounds of Artificial Sweet Powder
5 Flower Things
25 pounds of Shortening Bread
1,057 Various Seeds From All Over The Stupid PlaceHoo way down dare has a sweet tooth? You duzz! I duzz! We AWE duzz! How do you treat that tooth so nice and good that it no longer aches...? Why, by making up and serving TOASTERED SUGAR BLOPS, of course, of course...! So let's stop SCREWING AROUND already and get the goddamn ball in motion then. C'mon along and hurry yourself up...before someone else gets theirs prepared first. Okay then, clean the kitchen floor REAL GODDAMN GOOD using some very special imported floor cleaner with perfect abilities. Then spread the SUGAR, the HONEY, and the ARTIFICIAL SWEET POWDER all over the floor. Now dance your nekkid ugly feet into all of it and mess it all over the place so that it all gets spread around real nice. Look down with a feeling of gentle dumb pride as a tear falls from your left eye. Then gently toss in the FLOWER THINGS while smushing up the SHORTENING BREAD so that it turns into a huge pile of lovely dumb crumbs. Now skip around in circles while daintily spreading the VARIOUS SEEDS FROM ALL OVER THE STUPID PLACE into the pile so that it appears to be even and real. Then slop the stuff into some large BLOPS on top of a metal sheet and place in your oven on broil for ten seconds. Serve piping cold and watch as all your nervous guests gulp down the calories...
TONKY BOBO POINTERS
Ingredients:
1 Cup of Slidy Mingo
2 Cups of Tonky
4 Slices of Larry
1 Quart of Bobo
1 Dozen Strict Pointers
2 Sprigs of Parsley
1 Doughnut BrowAs fast as the distance from zero to lamb children can go, TONKY BOBO POINTERS are sure to know. We'll make this dish by starting out with a lot of dishes. Places a lot of dishes all over the place and then decide which dish you like the most. Pick up that dish and discard the rest. Place the chosen dish on a table and begin to prepare. Pour the CUP OF SLIDY MINGO into the dish and squirrel it around for two minutes. Gently add the CUPS OF TONKY and blend together with priceless energy. Next, place the SLICES OF LARRY into the mixture while pouring in the QUART OF BOBO. Mix everything for about five seconds. Then chunk in the STRICT POINTERS taking great care to ensure that each one is evenly distributed. Toss in the SPRIGS OF PARSLEY and place in a microwave oven (on ultra high) for one minute. Remove and top with the DOUGHNUT BROW. Instant and declicious for everyone involved...and PLENTY HEALTHY for you as WELL. Fix it tonight.
TOORFLOD BURNIFF MINCHES
Ingredients:
1 cup Grawny
2 cups Prishter-Naw
3 tablespoons Wur
1 pint Nissy
5 Slabs of Minch
3500 slobs of Boons
1 teaspoon of Princie SackYou cook, people eat. People eat, then stop eating. Eventually start eating again. Be ready for next eat, for always is good for being ready. Best dish for prepare is TOORFLOD BURNIFF MINCHES. Easy for preparation, easy for serving up. To begin, spread GRAWNY with even texture over large flat surface. When Grawny out flat, doss on PRISHTER-NAW with care taking to give up booster patrols. Slowly tinkle on WUR as light in upper rooms turn dim. Now sprinkle with generous the NISSY. Note that Nissy must be fresh for proper experience and taking on. Grab SLABS OF MINCH and pound with metal hammer. Never stop hammer, keep doing for indefinite. As hammer smashes for continuation, announce the SLOBS OF BOONS for tender moistness. Final and before to serve, liberal top with PRINCIE SACK. Dish best serving in small bowl for unanimous consumption, all go in Wing Time and proverbial.
