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Welcome to Ask babysue. This is the place where all of your questions are answered now. Here are all the answers to things you wanted to know because you asked the questions that prompted the answers. So now you don't have to wonder anymore about what the answers to your questions are. The more you know, the more you want to know. The more you learn, the less things there are to learn. The more you wonder, the less able you are to cope with anything. The more you cope, the less likely you are to become one of those. The more you become one of those, the less likely you are to succeed and be healthy. So let's get on with the questions...those most important questions...so that you will be able to live a perfect and fulfilled life.

OVER BEING BIG
Dear babysue:
I am morbidly obese and suffer from depression. I try all kinds of different diets and nothing works. My friends tell me that I am beautiful inside and that's all that matters. But I'm just not sure they're telling me the truth. Should I just accept myself the way I am? Or should I keep trying to lose weight? -- BIG AND DEPRESSED

Dear Big and Depressed:
If losing weight will make you feel better you should probably avoid that. Food is the problem here so don't blame yourself. You are not the problem. Blame the food that you eat. Line up all of your favorite foods up against the counter and scold them. Yell as loudly as you like and call them all sorts of mean names. Then eat the damn food to punish it even more. Then send a photo of yourself so we can all laugh at how horribly ugly you are. After you scold the food, eat it, and send a photograph, you can then reward yourself by doing something extravagant. Rewards always make you will feel better. Let me know how this works out for you.

BIG BULLY
Dear babysue:
I am in seventh grade and do really well in school. Most of the kids like me but there's this one boy who is always picking on me. He's about twice my size so I'm really afraid of him and what he might do to me. I don't want to tell my teachers because I think that might make this guy even angrier. My dad keeps telling me to stand up for myself. But I'm afraid that if I do this guy might really hurt me. I have even temporarily stopped wearing makeup and dresses because this situation has me so upset. Should I do nothing? Or should I do something? Please help. -- LITTLE SISSY BOY

Dear Little Sissy Boy:
Never fear, my child. You are not alone. Almost all of us have been bullied at one time or another by someone. The good news is that it's natural to feel sad and intimidated when someone treats you like this. What you may not realize is that the taunts and teasing are actually flirting. Yes, that's right. That big strong bully is actually very attracted to you and the only way he thinks he can get your attention is by being mean to you. The next time he starts bothering you, gently take his hand and offer a soft warm squeeze. Then move close to him and say these words, "Do not be afraid, I feel the exact same forbidden love for you." Then, before he can react, make a quick move and cram your tongue down his throat. Then back up, slap his face and yell, "Fresh!" You will be amazed at how quickly the boy will respond. After you've done this, please be sure to send a photograph of yourself. We'd all like to see how really stupid you look, especially with fresh blood splattered all over your face. Be a good girl or boy or whatever it is you are and be kind to your enemies. That's all for now, much love and respect.

PUPPY DILEMMA
Dear babysue:
My wife had a litter of puppies yesterday. She says the puppies are mine but I know better. There's an old German Shepherd that's been hanging around the back yard lately and now I know why. I confronted my wife and told her that there's no way these offspring are mine. But all she did was laugh and throw dog biscuits at me. I don't want to be a father to someone else's puppies. And I don't like my wife engaging in bestiality. I need to do something before these little creatures get old enough to walk and talk. What should I do? Can you give me some advice? Pretty please? -- SAD HUSBAND

Dear Sad Husband:
Do not be sad. Be happy. You have a wife. That is something many do not have. Instead of looking at things she's doing that you do not like, pay attention to the things that you do like. Isn't it nice having someone prepare meals for you? Isn't it nice having some wash and fold your clothes? And isn't it nice having someone else keep your house tidy and clean? What's happening here is that your wife is begging for attention. When most women have sex with animals it is their way of telling their partner that they want to feel needed and loved. So instead of getting angry about those puppies, just love them and accept them as they are. They don't know you aren't their father. They need a father. Be their father. You have food. Give them food. You have balls. Give them your balls. If you get tired of your the furry little critters, you can always toss them out back so you don't have to see or hear them anymore. Now don't you feel really bad about yourself and the way you've been acting? It is not your wife who is bad. You are the bad one. Bad husband. Stop being difficult and just accept things. And always keep your mouth shut whenever possible.

DRINK & SMOKE
Dear babysue:
I love drinking lots of beer and chain smoking. It's not a problem for me, but my wife and my kids are always giving me hell about it. Should I keep smoking and drinking? Or should I quit? -- Happy Being Me

Dear Happy Being Me:
If you are doing what you love that is all that matters. If you wife and children really cared about you they would leave you alone and let you do what makes you happy. Instead of giving up smoking and drinking, you might want to consider making those ungrateful leeches in your house go away. If they won't go away on their own, there are always lots of ways to convince them that they should. Remember that they are only there because you give them food, money, and a free place to live. Always put yourself first. Other people will come and go, but you will always have to live with yourself no matter what.

STUPID QUESTION
Dear babysue:
Am I really stupid? -- STUPID, REALLY

Dear Stupid, Really:
Of course you are stupid. Everyone is stupid. But in your case you are even stupider than everyone else simply because you have to ask if you are stupid. But what you must keep in mind is that a person's level of intelligence is never measured. Doctors and scientists can't offer you any advice because they don't have any. And your friends will never tell you the truth because they too are stupid and don't know what the truth is. The next time you question your intelligence, what you might as is "Why am I so stupid?" And there is no answer to that question, of course...because you wouldn't understand if it was explained to you. So the next question you might want to ask is, "Does stupidity last forever?" And the answer to that question is an undeniable "YES!" Observe all your stupid friends and acquaintances and notice how they always say and do stupid things. And if you really focus on what they're doing with their lives, you will notice that they are always doing stupid things. We all have one thing in common and the one thing we all have in common is the one thing that none of us want to have in common in the first place. Lift your spirit up to the sky and just accept. Acceptance is the beginning of a path to nowhere.

EXPLANATION PLEASE
Dear babysue:
Why do you sometimes give such long and complicated answers to very simple questions? -- JUST WONDERING

Dear Just Wondering:
Dunno.

DEMAND FOR ANSWERS
Dear babysue:
Why aren't you doing the things I want you to do? And why are you doing things that I don't want you to do? Explain yourself. Everyone gets very tired of your erratic and unpredictable behavior. -- SELF-CENTERED DEBBY

Dear Self-Centered Debby:
I'm not doing the things you want me to do because I'm not doing the things you want me to do. And I'm doing the things that you don't want me to do because I'm doing the things you don't want me to do. I am very concerned about pleasing everyone. And that is why I'm mainly concerned with not pleasing anyone. Behavioral issues are another matter. And this is a matter that I am deeply concerned about. I am deeply concerned about everything and everyone. Everything is extremely important. And that is why things are the way that they are.

UTENSIL PLACEMENT
Dear babysue:
I've been trying to figure out which side the fork goes on. And that general confusion led me to try and figure out which side the spoon goes on. After hours and hours focusing on both of these topics I finally determined that it is far more important to know which side the knife goes on. Do you know the proper placement of these items? If so, could you share this information with your readers? With so much going on in the world, it is important to prioritize so that we are not making the same mistakes we have made in the past. I don't ever want to be accused of placing eating utensils in the wrong place. Please, please, please help. -- CONCERNED CONNIE

Dear Concerned Connie:
I am very glad you wrote because you obviously care about little things. Little things matter a lot. And if we don't care about the little things there is no way we can really learn to care about teeny tiny things. The placement of the knife is, indeed, critical. So you should place the knife there. And then, after you have placed the knife, go ahead and place the spoon on the other side. What many do not realize is that the placement of the fork is flexible. So go ahead and place it anywhere you like, as long as it is vertical. Once you have all the utensils placed, it is time to reevaluate the plate. Is the plate really necessary? And is it the right size in proportion to the utensils? One day you will figure other things out. Until then, keep being frustrated and concerned about things that really matter. Go get your hair done. Because that is what truly matters most.

PEACE, LOVE & MACRAME
Dear babysue:
Everyone is so angry at one another lately. Why can't they just love and accept each other? Let's all help spread peace and love around the planet. We can change the world if we want to. We can make this a better place. We can do all kinds of things if we all work together on common goals. I do a lot of knitting and macrame because I am well aware of what a big difference that makes. If more people knitted maybe things would be better. And if more people did macrame I am sure we would all benefit in every way possible. -- KNITTY KITTY

Dear Knitty Kitty:
You sound like such a good twenty-first century hippy. And you are correct, we cannot change the world. If we all work together nothing will ever happen. That is why--more than ever before--it is critical that we all bicker about trivial things that don't matter. Your hobbies are indeed making a big difference in the world. Without your knitting, children would starve. And without your macrame, wars would break out everywhere. You keep doing what you're doing and let the rest of us figure out everything else. Be a good girl and just sit by the window in your tie-dyed jeans. Don't venture out, because that would just make things worse. Stay inside all alone and eventually everything will just go away on its own.

DEATHS EVERYWHERE
Dear babysue:
Everyone I know has died in the past six months. I used to know all these cool people and we used to have such fun hanging around together. But now they're all dead. They all died in different ways. I can't remember how many died, but there have been many. For several weeks all I did was attend funerals and ceremonies. Then everyone stopped dying and I realized that I no longer had any connection to anyone. So I adopted a miniature pig for a companion. But then the pig died. So then I got a hamster. And it died too. Now I think I'm dying which may or may not be a bad thing. Can you give me any advice on what's happening so that I will know what's happening? I'm really confused but now I'm really sad too. Please help me to stop being sad. I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. -- BARELY ALIVE ALLEN

Dear Barely Alive Allen:
You should cook yourself some eggs. They're best covered in thick mustard in a bowl. Mush it up real good and then eat it all up. Food is the answer you're looking for. When everything and everyone else lets you down, food will always fill the void. Wouldn't you like a big slice of cake? Mmmmmmmm...just think of all the super tasty things you could be eating right now. The more you eat, the happier you will be. Food is like a direct addition to the soul. The more you eat, the more fulfilled you will be psychologically. You'll get over the fact that so many people and pets have died. Just eat your way through the process and before you know it you'll be one step closer to the grave yourself. Life is a dandy prize that's best consumed with fever and intensity. Allen sure is a dumb name.

NAGGING WIFE
Dear babysue:
My husband never lets me out of my cage anymore. I'm very resentful of this because getting to move around every couple of months was what kept me going. It's also causing me to feel very depressed most of the time. I do everything he demands of me so I don't know why I'm being punished. He still feeds me and and empties my bucket daily (which I appreciate) but it seems like he just doesn't care anymore. Thank God he still uses me every so often, so I know he continues to have some feelings for me. Does my husband still love me? Or have I become nothing more than a nuisance? -- CONFINED CONNIE

Dear Confined Connie:
You should be grateful that your husband still feeds you. You are obviously no longer a priority in his life. The sooner you admit this to yourself the better off you will be. Aren't there some neat things in the cage that can help you occupy your time? If you have a rubber ball, play with that. Just about anything can be fun and entertaining if you allow it to be. Play with your water dish. Rub up against the sides of the cage. Chase your feet. Sleeping's good too. Get as much sleep as you can, that always helps pass the time. Why are you so demanding anyway? That's probably why he put you in a cage in the first place. You were probably extremely demanding and difficult. Because your actions caused your situation, you should feel guilty and just accept your lot in life. You damn women are always so concerned about yourselves without ever caring about how your actions affect others. Husbands are the hard workers out there, you women do almost nothing. And yet you continue to demand more, more, more. Just shut up and accept the way things are. Then you will both be happy. And yes...of course your husband loves you. If he didn't, he wouldn't continue feeding you.

MODERN THINKER
Dear babysue:
I am obsessed with trying to make other people think the same way I do. I've been doing this ever since I was very young. I've been fortunate over the years to come across lots of other people who think the exact same way I do. Even better, they also enjoy trying to force their opinions on others. Our closed-minded approach works great. By reinforcing each other, we connect with other like-minded people while closing anyone else completely out of the picture. At this point in time, we don't all need to be disagreeing about everything. If everyone would just think like I do, the world would be a much better place. So I guess I'm not really asking anything here. I just wanted to brag and shoot off my mouth for a minute or two. I feel better now. Thanks. -- SMALL-MINDED CANDY

Dear Small-Minded Candy:
You really are something, aren't you? You obviously think you are, so that really is something. It is a truly great feeling to be surrounded by carbon copies of yourself. That way you don't have to feel threatened by others with opposing viewpoints. Do you hate yourself? If you don't, you should. What is most troublesome here is the fact that you seem to feel as if you are vastly superior to other people while that is obviously not the case. Take a look in the mirror, Candy. You will see a girl who is completely insecure and brainless. But hey, you have really great hair and make-up so you can always fall back on that. At least for a few years. After that, who knows?

SIMPLE QUERY
Dear babysue:
Why don't you ever change? -- CURIOUS CARL

Dear Curious Carl:
Change is just a reflection of everything that doesn't change. The more things stay the same the more they tend to stay somewhere they shouldn't be. Why don't you ever ask questions? If you asked more questions you would be able to answer more questions.

LET'S BE ANTISOCIAL
Dear babysue:
Lately I've withdrawn from just about everyone. I have completely stopped speaking publicly in person and on the internet. I no longer voice my opinion about anything because I know that it will just cause anger and hostility. I used to be able to talk openly with some folks but lately it just seems like everyone is so touch sensitive that they don't really want to hear any opinion that differs from their own. Our world has become a very sad place because so many folks who claim to be so open-minded are, in fact, the most closed-minded of all. Do you have any ideas on this? -- SCARED TO SPEAK

Dear Scared To Speak:
I have no idea what you're talking about.

BIRD PROBLEM
Dear babysue:
My daughter found a bird nest on the ground. She brought it inside crying because one of the four eggs was already broken. I figured food would make her feel better so when she went to the bathroom I cracked the remaining three eggs open and began making her an omelet. When she came back she started crying even harder, calling me a 'murderer.' The little runt appears to be emotionally unstable. How am I supposed to deal with an erratic and unpredictable four year old girl? She used to love omelets. Why is she so stupid? -- MOTHERLY LOVE

Dear Motherly Love:
If you're going to deal with children you have to understand first and foremost that they are going to act dumb most of the time. It isn't on purpose, they just don't know any better. The next time your daughter tries to save a life, put her up for adoption. That way she is sure to learn about life real quick. When children are suddenly thrust out into the world without a net, it is usually a very fast and real wake up call for them.

BURGER FOR ME
Dear babysue:
I have always dreamed of eating a hamburger. Is this an impossible dream? Or is it something that could conceivably happen at some point during my lifetime? -- BURGER DOODLE

Dear Burger Doodle:
There is a hamburger in the sky that exists for you and you alone. One day that burger will make itself visible. It is at that point that you will both merge and be consumed. For you, the hamburger is a symbol. For the hamburger, you are just another replaceable acne medication.

GREETING ETIQUETTE
Dear babysue:
I was always told that when a guest arrives at my home I should first take their hat and then help them off with their coat. But two of my dearest friends informed me that I should take the coat first and then the hat. I asked my preacher about this and he told me that it didn't really matter. But when I spoke with my great aunt she told me that it matters a great deal and that I am right by taking the coat first. I want to do the right thing. Really I do. Please help me know what to do first because I really don't know. Not just about coats and hats, but about anything. -- HELP ME PLEASE

Dear Help Me Please:
You're focus is all wrong. Instead of being concerned about hats and coats you should be mostly concerned about your friends hair and makeup. If they show up with a hairstyle that isn't particularly flattering, you owe it to them to help solve that problem. You can cut their hair yourself or hire a stylist. And don't forget that a six pack of hair spray can go a long long way in making real bonds with your friends. Makeup is the same. If they don't know how to make their faces look pretty and appealing, then it is up to you to help them fix up their faces. Friends make friends look the way friends should look. Forget about all that superficial stuff and focus on things that matter.

RESTAURANT QUESTION
Dear babysue:
I have a restaurant question. I have been having a secret affair behind my wife's back for over two decades. It's not a big deal really because the woman I'm having the affair with doesn't care that I'm married and my wife has no clue about anything. I spoke with my boss about it recently and he told me that I need to have another affair going on to feel really satisfied. When I asked how many people he was involved with he just laughed and said, "If I have to keep count then I know it's never nearly enough for the complete evolution of postmortem depression." What did he mean by that? Was he trying to be clever or was there some deep underlying message in his comment? And why did I say that I have a restaurant question when my story has nothing to do with restaurants? -- AFFAIR E.

Dear Affair E.:
How am I supposed to know what your goddamn boss means when he says something. I don't even know the guy. And who cares about your affairs? Answer: No one. Go back to kindergarten and learn the basics. If you can't beat the fluff out of smarty stuff then have the brains to recreate some trains. That's why my grandmother always said. And she never went to restaurants ever.

RELEVANCE MATTERS
Dear babysue:
Is everything really important? Or is everything really irrelevant? -- WONDERING WINSTON

Dear Wondering Winston:
Depends.

HATE NEEDS LOVE
Dear babysue:
I hate my job. I hate where I live. I hate my appearance. I hate driving. I hate cooking. I hate talking on the phone. I hate reading. I hate music. I hate dealing with money. I hate getting my hair cut. I hate holidays. I hate going anywhere. Why can't I fall in love? -- MISS HATE NEEDS SOULMATE

Dear Miss Hate Needs Soulmate:
You're just like everyone else, only more so. Think of more things that you hate and focus on those things. When you focus on hate, it makes it much more likely that you will fall in love with someone. Negative energy is what people look for most in another individual. And you obviously have plenty of that. So the next time you feel anxiety and anger, look around to see who might be there. You just might find someone or something that's just right for you.

LOVE NEEDS HATE
Dear babysue:
I love my job. I love where I live. I love my appearance. I love driving. I love cooking. I love talking on the phone. I love reading. I love music. I love dealing with money. I love getting my hair cut. I love holidays. I love going anywhere. Why can't I get a divorce from my goddamn wife? -- MISTER LOVE WANTS DIVORCE

Dear Mister Hate Wants Divorce:
You're just like everyone else, only more so. Think of more things that you love and reject those things. When you focus on love, it makes it much more likely that other people will be repelled by you. Positive energy is what people despise most in another individual. And you obviously have plenty of that. So the next time you feel love, go find your wife and knock her real hard in the head. You just might find she will then stay with you forever and ever until the end of time because you have messed up her goddamn brain.

BOLOGNA FRIGHT NIGHT
Dear babysue:
My daughter was frying bologna to make some sandwiches and I accidentally fell in the pan and got fried too. I tried to let her know what had happened but by that time my throat was all chunked up with hot grease and mystery particles. My children are about to have me for lunch and I don't know what to do to stop them. Is it okay for my children to eat me on a sandwich? -- SLICED BO

Dear Sliced Bo:
Sure, that's okay. No big deal.

WORLD REVOLVES AROUND...
Dear babysue:
Here is my new song. Will you listen to it? It's a really great song centered around the current state of everything that's happening right at this moment and I know it will appeal to lots and lots of people. Please help me get the word out about my music. The only thing that matters in the world is what I'm doing right now. If you can't give me some feedback or let others know about my music, then I don't want to have anything to do with you. So please just listen to my new song. I know you'll like it. But if you don't like it, you can go straight to Hell. -- PUSHY PAULA

Dear Pushy Paula:
Maybe later.

TOTTY LOP OR NOT TOTTY LOP
Dear babysue:
I never go. That before thing change, now to find all is placed where it placing. For big lift there nothing worth. But with special key there is thing for opening with appropriate section. You hear bell ring, and you know that ring is for throttle. The shift happen for all to be announcing ralph. Question is, where stinky ball romp when frothy? And if frothy, what do with totty lop? -- SPICY NOODLE GUY

Dear Spicy Noodle Guy:
Ahhhh, you make good question. You are better when read. And that because totty lop fall into lap very soon. And once in lap, lop will flop all over good dimension. When all surrounded, there is place for finding double notion. You make spicy noodle and give, and I tell more. Until then, enjoy thing and flap around like jerky bird for wounded.

SLOPPY SLOP
Dear babysue:
Me and my roommate are so damn sloppy. We just throw stuff all over the place and anywhere it lands is good. Some friends don't approve though. They tell us we're filthy pigs and they won't come visit us no more. Why can't people just accept other people and keep their opinions to themselves? It's not our fault if we don't give a damn about where we live. We blame it on everyone else. They're the reason we are the way we are. Other people are at fault for everything. We like being sloppy pigs. Is it okay for us to be sloppy pigs? -- TWO SLOPPY PIGS

Dear Two Sloppy Pigs:
Go ahead and do things your way. It's not like anyone knows who you are or what you're doing anyway. You are both irrelevant nothings. Everyone else has more important things to think about than your stupid living quarters. Thank you for writing. Your thoughts and opinions are very important to everyone.

IMPORTANT QUESTION
Dear babysue:
I make magic powder for genuine pokey animal. Fly with wings over large canyon, give energy for thousand plus. Solid wink trap fall sometime into project for Didi. That when Didi spring up like kitten from large wall and pounce. You answer other question. Will you be to answer this? Answer question, for pleasing? -- DANIEL D.

Dear Daniel D.:
So you're the man responsible for that wonderful magic powder I've been reading about. Thank you for creating this special product. And thank for helping all the pokey animals out there in the world. And now onto your question. The answer is sometimes. Sometimes the answer is sometimes. And other times the answer is sometimes. I hope this answer has proper pleasing elements for your most respective lamp handle.

BOY OR GIRL?
Dear babysue:
Are you really a little girl? Or are you some miserable loser who's using a little girl as a ventriloquist puppet-kinda thing in order to speak his mind without having to take responsibility for the words that are spoken? Which is it? Folks out there who matter need to know. -- NOSEY NELL

Dear Nosey Nell:
I have no idea what you're talking about. I am a very tiny two-year-old girl and only barely visible because I am only two millimeters tall. From the perspective of everyone, everything is critical and yet totally irrelevant. Allow the birds in your soul to fly where they may. Tomorrow things may end, so now just live for today.

 

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