aka

LMNOP (aka dONW7) discography. Music on Bandcamp, YouTube, Discogs, CDBaby, & Spotify.

THINGS YOU CAN DO
by
aka

Like most folks, you often wonder what you want to do. Whether it means a way to kill a few minutes or the best way to spend several months of your life, these kinds of decisions may ultimately determine your future. A small percentage of people are able to quickly and accurately determine exactly what it is that they want to be doing, and then they do it. But for the rest of us, these determinations can be extraordinarily challenging and difficult. Are there things that you ultimately wish you could be doing? Or are there other things that you would like to be doing, but for whatever reasons you feel that you cannot? Do you feel jealous when you see other people doing things while you sit around doing nothing? Aren't you desperate to do SOMETHING with your life?

Deciding what to do can be simple or very complicated. For those who have trouble making decisions we have come up with a handy list of twenty things to do that will appeal to everyone of all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages. It doesn't matter whether you are young or old, fast or slow, successful or a failure, beautiful or not attractive at all. You are bound to find one or more items that will easily suit your tastes and lifestyle. So let's get going. The faster you read about these things, the quicker you will be able to get on with your life and really go somewhere.

1. IDENTIFY COLORS.

Identifying colors is a wonderfully entertaining thing to do. And yet most people simply take colors for granted, without ever closely examining all the thousands upon thousands around them every day of their lives. Look at something close to you right now. Let's just say for example that thing is a plant. What color is it? Is it green? Or is it a plant that is green but also has lovely red flowers at the top? Look at what you are wearing. What color are your clothes today? Are they just one color? Or are they a mixture of colors? Do you have a pet? If so, look at your pet and notice what color it is. Isn't this delightfully fun? Of course it is. You can go on and on and on with this hobby forever and a day and you will never lack for colors to identify. Not only will this fill your time, but it is also an important learning experience that will make you far more intelligent and noteworthy.

2. LOOK AT YOURSELF IN A MIRROR.

Do you know what you look like? You may think you do, but you probably don't really know. Understanding your appearance is a task that takes hours, days, months, and even years. The reason most people can't really see what they look like is because they don't have the right kind of mirror. You can't expect a small five dollar hand mirror to give great results. You need an extremely large mirror with high definition particles woven into the back shiny mirror part. And the mirror must be installed in such a way that several bright 500 watt bulbs can be directed at it. After you have installed the right kind of mirror and lights, you will then be able to get a better idea of what you really look like. Study your arms, legs, and torso closely. But most importantly, study your face for a very long time. It looks different when you see it in a really excellent mirror, doesn't it? And you may very well notice that the longer you stare at your face, the more different it looks to you. Invite your friends over and ask them to observe you looking at yourself in your new mirror. They will enjoy this very much. You will spend many wonderful days and nights enjoying this new activity. It will be very beneficial to you in so many different ways that it would be impossible to know all of them.

3. OBSESS ABOUT FOOD.

While you may have simply just enjoyed food in the past, now would be a great time to entertain a healthy obsession about it. Notice every aspect about every food item in the grocery store. Focus on the calories and the amounts of fat, sugar, and salt. Watch documentaries that show in every graphic detail how foods are produced and readied for consumption. As you take in all of this information, be sure to share it with everyone you talk to. Take every opportunity to somehow bring the conversation back to food. Warn everyone you know about the dangers of eating certain types of food. And be sure to tell them about all the horrible conditions under which most food is produced. Obsess about food for about six months. Then forget all about it like it never really mattered in the first place. Then you can begin to obsess about something else and start eating whatever you want again.

4. CLEAN EVERYTHING REALLY REALLY WELL.

Now is as good a time as any to suddenly realize how dirty everything is in your life. Spend a few months nervously cleaning everything you own. Start with the kitchen, cleaning every teeny tiny crevice. Then clean the bathroom(s), making certain that the porcelain is particularly sparkly and perfect. Then go on to the other rooms of your house. Compare cleaning fluids, making sure that you only use products that are environmentally friendly. Clean, clean, clean like nothing else matters. After you get everything totally clean, you may very well notice that the kitchen has become slightly dirty again. No problem, this is your golden opportunity to start all over again. Remember, you can never clean everything enough. So you will have to keep cleaning everything forever and ever until the day you die. And even then there will still be thousands of spots that you completely missed. And this, of course, means that bacteria is growing around you constantly in every place possible.

5. FIND SOMETHING TRIVIAL TO GET UPSET ABOUT.

It doesn't really matter what it is, but as you watch the news identify one particular topic that really bothers you. Once you realize that it has gotten under your skin, search the internet for more facts about the topic. Get even more focused as you find more and more information that makes you even madder than you were to begin with. Start sending messages to people you've never even met before about this topic. Post multiple notes letting others know how upset you are. Express your outrage and anger to everyone constantly. Talk about the topic with everyone you meet. Focus intently on the topic for about two weeks. Then forget all about it. At that point, it is time to find another topic to get really upset about. Then you can just follow the previous instructions all over again.

6. RETREAT INTO YOUR SMARTPHONE.

This is a really cool one that everyone is doing. So you might as well do it too. The real world is boring and uninteresting. And the real friends you have don't have anything interesting or important to say ever. In order to be a better and happier person, you need to stare into your smartphone and refer to it constantly. Leave your opinions about everything on different websites. Play pointless little games that ultimately get you nowhere. Join social networks that you've never even heard of. But most importantly, stare at your little smartphone continuously and realize that nothing else matters. Your little phone is so much more important than your family and friends. Carry it with you everywhere you go. Check it every time it makes a sound. It won't be very long before you realize that you are completely lost and miserable unless you are staring at your smartphone. This is a super cool thing to do that is totally hip, exciting, and wonderful. And the best part is that you'll immediately fit in everywhere you go...because everyone else is doing the exact same thing.

6. INSTALL MASHED POTATOES ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

The world is an okay place. But wouldn't it be a whole lot better with mashed potatoes all over everything? Sure it would. This is a wonderful way to spend lots of time. And the best part is that it doesn't cost you an arm and a leg. Make up several gallons of mashed potatoes and store them in your refrigerator in individual plastic bags. Every time you go somewhere, take a bag of the potatoes with you. Once you reach your destination look around and notice all the things that don't have mashed potatoes on them. Then fix that. Spread the potatoes evenly and thoroughly so that there is a definite and noticeable improvement. Then move onto the next item. You can spread mashed potatoes on desks, door handles, other people's cars, mailboxes, dogs and cats, ferrets, items in stores, and more. Hell, you can even spread the damn stuff on people if you like. Once you get started with this one, there's no telling how far you can go. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone did this. It would be real neat, wouldn't it? Of course it would. And just think, it wasn't that long ago that the idea never even occurred to you. You are very lucky to be reading this list now so that you will know all kinds of important things that you can do.

7. SUDDENLY DECIDE THAT YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could think of a reason to get back in touch with EVERYONE you've ever known? Yes it would. Here's a way of doing it so that it makes perfect sense, while simultaneously relieving your ongoing guilt complex. Think about specific people you've known in the past and identify instances when you were a complete shithead. Find the person's contact information and get back in touch with them. Remind them about the specific instance when you treated them so poorly. Tell them how much it has bothered you for so many long and grueling years. Apologize profusely, telling them that you now realize the error of your ways. Once you regain their trust and they forgive you, you should cease any and all communication. And that's because it is time to move onto the next person who might be willing to listen to you go off for a few minutes. Repeat the process with everyone you've ever known. Once you've exhausted all of your connections from the past, approach all of your current friends and acquaintances and apologize to them as well. This is an excellent way of putting yourself first, which is exactly where you always want to be.

8. THROW THINGS AWAY.

This is another fun activity that costs absolutely nothing. Wake up one morning and suddenly decide that you have way too much clutter in your life. Get all worked up about all the stuff you own. Then just start throwing things away. Start with small worthless items and then work yourself up to more expensive items. Once you have the hang of it, begin tossing out things that have intense emotional connections. This is a way of achieving psychological freedom at any point in your life. All the things you own aren't really important at all. Sure, there are others who might be able to use the things. But who cares? The point is to get rid of stuff as quickly and as efficiently as possible. And there's no faster way to get rid of things than to just throw them away. Ninety-nine percent of individuals who throws things away report that they never even miss the damn things once they're gone. The other one percent randomly become depressed and suicidal and live with painful regrets for decades. It doesn't really have anything to do with the things though, it's just because they're so stupid that they would probably be depressed and suicidal anyway. But don't worry, you're not in that miserable and confused one percent. Remind yourself that all of the beautiful and wonderful things that you own are actually crummy pieces of trash that make you more neurotic and miserable. Then do the right thing...and ditch 'em all.

9. MAKE A BUNCH OF STUPID SHITTY THINGS THAT NOBODY WANTS.

It's difficult realizing how small and unimportant you are in the big scheme of things. But there is a way of achieving a false sense of importance that really works. Identify some small dumb thing you can create without spending too much time, energy, and money. It can be anything, really. But here are a few examples to get you started: (a) hats for babies (b) hand-knitted sweaters (c) ugly jewelry (d) quilts (e) pointless little pin-on ribbons, (f) needlepoint pillows, and (g) retarded tacky stuff made out of old kitchen utensils. If you want to get really crafty, you can instantly transform yourself into an artist and create poorly-crafted paintings, sculptures, and more. Once you have a good stash of items, convince yourself that there's money to be made for all of your hard work. Come up with an annoying company name and print up some business cards. Create a website. Put your items up for sale on the internet. Tell all of your friends about your exciting new career. Over the course of a few weeks you will eventually realize that no one wants any of the shitty things you have made. At that point, make DIFFERENT shitty things and try again. You will feel better about yourself even though you don't sell a goddamn thing. And that's because you were occupied doing something. It doesn't really matter WHAT you do, as long as you do something. Repeat this idea to yourself over and over. And then repeat it again until you believe it.

10. GET DRUNK IN A PARKING LOT.

There's a whole lot of fun waiting for you just minutes away from your home. And all you have to do is go for a visit. Ever wanted to have loads of fun while meeting lots of new people at the very same time? If so, you can find everything you ever wanted in a parking lot. The best kinds of lots are the ones surrounding fast food establishments and convenience stores. The fun is simple and easy. Go buy some bottles of your favorite alcoholic beverages. Drive to the parking lot and park. Now roll down the window and start nursing those bottles. As the alcohol flows away, so will your inhibitions. Start talking to strangers as they walk by. They will love the attention and you will love the companionship. You're bound to get all the attention you ever wanted doing this, and you're likely to make some lifelong friends along the way. Continue drinking all you want. A word of warning...do NOT get out of your vehicle. The vehicle is your protection from the world, so stay inside where it is safe. The great part is that you can do this every single night of the week. There's no end to the wonderful parking lot fun that you will have in the coming months and years.

11. CREATE A VIDEO CLIP THAT WILL MAKE YOU FILTHY RICH.

Read some miscellaneous story about some average person (very much like yourself) whose life was suddenly changed as the result of a short video they uploaded. Get excited as you realize that this person became instantly wealthy as a result. Then say these magic words to yourself, "Hey, I can do that!" Grab up that handy electronic device that's always with you and start making videos of EVERYTHING. Remember, the more videos you make the more likely it is that you will come up with that one particular thing that will set the world on fire. Be real pushy and annoying around friends, so much so that everyone decides they no longer want to be around you. But no matter, because you can always make animal videos. Record anything/everything that is happening around you and upload ALL OF IT. Give each video a cutesy stupid title that will make people curious. Ask everyone you know to watch your videos and share them. After a month or two you may notice that only half a dozen people have looked at your damn videos. But don't let that deter you. Keep making more videos and keep uploading them. Eventually something will stick. And then you'll be living in the lap of luxury.

12. PERFORM EXPERIMENTS ON YOURSELF.

You've probably put off a variety of experiments over the years because they were either too costly or they were just too much of a hassle. There's no need to wait any longer, because it is now possible to do them yourself. All you need are the appropriate instruments, an instructional video, and some optional pain killers. Determine which experiment you would like to perform, and search away. You are certain to find some very detailed videos showing exactly how the process is performed. After studying what to do, you can now do it. Be sure to ingest the pain killers at least one hour in advance. Be creative. Be spontaneous. You have the power to make things the way you want them to be. You can even spay and neuter yourself if you like. It's really up to you. And it's just another way of transforming yourself into a better person.

13. CURL UP INTO A BALL AND PRETEND NOTHING EXISTS.

Here's a wonderful way to whittle away a week or two. Lay down on the floor, close your eyes, and curl up into a tight ball. Then lay there motionless for as long as you like. This is a carefree way to cast misfortune to the wind and allow yourself the freedom to forget. All the stresses of the world no longer exist when you are in a tight motionless ball. Test yourself to see how long you can hold your position. One hour? Two days? Three weeks? Seventy-five years? The choice is yours as you discover the long lasting effects of the owl-producing camera processes. You will be very good after you finish this one. You will be very very good. You will be very very very good. And then you will decide that it is time to do something else.

14. YELL "Free Bird" EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

Countless hours can be spent on this one. You don't have to be at a music concert or any kind of entertainment event at all. And you don't even have to like the shitty old song. Wherever you happen to be and whenever you feel the urge, suddenly yell out "Free Bird" at the top of your lungs. The louder the better. And if you can toss in some o' that thar healthy ol' southern redneck drawl into it that's even better. When you yell these magical words you tell the world what you think of it. And you will immediately feel a sense of release and inner peace. We've heard countless stories in which others nearby have opted to join in with the shout, making the experience something like standing in the middle of a pack of rabid wolves howling under a full moon. Can't figure out where to shout? Here are some nifty examples: (a) in the grocery store (b) in school (c) in church (d) in a public park (e) in an amusement park (f) in a library (g) in your front yard (h) on your front porch (i) on public transportation (j) on an airplane and (h) at a funeral. Get in the swing and yell "Free Bird" all the livelong day. There is no single thing that you can do that is more important than this.

15. GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING FOR TWO WEEKS.

Come up with some new thing to get excited about. It doesn't matter what it is, it can be anything. Talk about the thing non-stop with all of your friends. Brag about how great the new thing is. Get all worked up about the thing and come up with all kinds of ways that it is going to improve your life. Focus on the thing each and every day. Remember, it's a lot easier to talk about doing things than to actually do them. And that's why you've chosen to talk about the thing rather than actually do the thing. At the end of two weeks, immediately cease everything related to the thing because it is now time to focus on a different thing for two weeks. Isn't it fun focusing on something and then never actually doing it? Sure it is. This is how most people live their entire lives and they're all the better for it. Why actually accomplish anything when you don't really have to...?

16. RETREAT INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ANIMAL.

When things get horrible and depressing, remind yourself that you can always count on your cat or dog for companionship. As you get closer and closer to your animal, notice how unbelievably superior it is to all the people you know. The animal doesn't disagree with you about everything. The animal doesn't get mad at you every time you do something stupid. The animal doesn't borrow money and then not pay it back. The animal is always there for you when you need it. As your relationship with your animal deepens, slowly push all of your friends away until they no longer exist at all. Take lots of pictures of your animal. Tell youself that the animal loves you, even though if it really came down to it the animal would eat you to survive. Convince yourself that the animal really loves you more than anything in the world. You will be much happier with your animal than you ever were when you hung around with human beings. Much, much happier.

17. SPEND TEN HOURS A WEEK HELPING SOME ORGANIZATION THAT IS DOING SOMETHING FUTILE AND ABSURD.

Find an organization that is doing something futile and absurd. Be sure that their mission statement fits in with your own narrow view of the world. Get all hyped up about how the organization is making a huge difference in the world, even though it really isn't. Talk to the leaders of the organization and tell them how much you appreciate what they are doing. Then pledge ten hours of your time each week to help the organization limp towards its shallow, meaningless goals. In the big scheme of things, the organization is really pointless and worthless. But that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you've found some new thing to focus on. Make everyone aware of the fact that you are donating your time to the organization. The reason you want to be sure to do this is because that's the main reason for doing it--so others will know how kind and generous you are with your time. You always want everyone to stroke you and tell you how great and noble you are. Everything should ultimately be self-serving in one way or another so that you will have an exagerated and unrealistically inflated opinion of yourself.

18. GET REAL ANGRY AT AN INANIMATE OBJECT.

You are feeling so terribly upset and anxious these days, aren't you? My my my. What a bummer. Those are bad feelings and something must be done to allow those feelings to be released from your soul. There is an inanimate object near where you live that you've passed thousands of times over the past few years. And up until now you've never even given it a thought. But lately you've seen lots of other people in the news gathering in big groups to express their extreme anger at inanimate objects. And they get lots and lots of attention. You want attention too. So you should immediately decide to do the exact same thing they are doing. It's always wonderful to do what everyone else is doing at the same time that they are doing it. Stand next to the object you've chosen and get really angry at it. Throw trash at it. Throw paint on it. Shake your fist at it. Rally around the inanimate object with other people who share your anger. Bring signs showing your opposition to the object and start yelling very loudly at it. Call it mean names. Hit and kick it repeatedly. Then have one particularly bold individual tie a rope around the top of it. Share in the excitement as the entire group combines their strength to pull the damn thing to the ground. Continue yelling at the object. Hit it and kick it some more. Yell at it until you can no longer yell anymore. Then destroy it all the way until it is a pile of meaningless rubble. Sheesh, that was so very much fun. But what a drag...because now the fun is OVER. Nay, nay...do not despair. The fun's not over ANYWHERE. And that's because you can always find ANOTHER inanimate object to get angry at tomorrow.

19. RECORD A BUNCH OF SONGS THAT NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR.

You've got lots of time on your hands, don't you? What better way to spend time than to use your wonderful and unique creativity to record a whole bunch of brand new songs. Express your anger and frustration with the world and other people through your music. Make the lyrics particularly urgent and heartfelt. Use technology to your advantage, so that you can record dozens and dozens of new songs in a single week. After you have recorded your songs, make videos for each one. Don't spend a lot of time on any of this, because the end result isn't so important. The important thing is that you feel like you are expressing your own unique opinions about everything. Upload all of your new songs and videos and then wait for the excitement to begin. Don't be too impatient during the first day. But after a few days pass, and you may begin to wonder why no one seems to be paying any attention to your new audio art. So give it another week or two. Eventually you may realize that no one has the slightest interest in your songs. Ignore that. It's probably just because all of those people are just too damn stupid to realize how intelligent and creative you are. Blame your lack of popularity on the stupidity of all those retarded morons out there in the world who just don't get it. Record more new songs and upload them. Keep repeating this over and over and over and over.

20. YELL AT STRANGERS FOR NO REASON.

This last item once again involves yelling. And that's because yelling is always a good thing to do. Life is just the way it is. But that's no reason to stay at home being a boring dummy dumb dumb. There's a whole wide world of people out there just waiting to be yelled at. And who better to do the yelling...than you? Find a location where many people are coming and going. The more variety the better. Then just start shouting whatever comes to mind. Don't be mean or anything, but try to get their attention fast by yelling something peculiar or confusing. If you do it right, your 'victim' will respond by yelling something back. That's when the fun begins. Two-way communication is really where it's at. So that should be your ultimate goal. Once you get some practice, you'll be able to figure out which approaches work and which ones don't. Just have fun with this one. There's nothing illegal about yelling at strangers, as long as you don't threaten them, use coarse language, or throw things at them. Just let your imagination run wild and before you know it you'll wonder why the hell you waited so long to begin your new hobby. There's no telling how many new friends you'll make when you show them just the tiniest bit of attention. Isn't life nifty and keen? Sure it is. If you're lucky you might even meet someone famous or important. There's no time like the present to get in on some REAL action. So don't delay, you excitable little tiger-type thing. Do it TODAY.

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU

You deserve a great deal of credit for all of the wonderful things that you do. Now that you've done all of the things that have been suggested, go back and do them again. Or do some other things if you like. Again, you must heed this reminder. Ultimately it doesn't matter WHAT you do, as long as you do SOMETHING. One thing that is extremely important at this point is that you should know the ACTUAL TRUTH about yourself. Do you know how important you are? You are very VERY important. You are EXTREMELY important. Much more so than words could ever express. And there is no one else like you. There is no one else like you in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. You are unique in every single sense of the word. There has never been anyone like you. And there will never BE anyone like you ever EVER again. It's great being a unique individual in a world filled with millions of other unique individuals, isn't it? SURE IT IS. That's the one thing that we all have in common. We are all totally unique in each and every way and none of us are virtually identical to any of the other ones. That is what makes us special and irreplaceable. So very special and irreplaceable in EACH AND EVERY WAY...each and EVERY DAY. Stand up and listen. Do you hear that sound? It is the sound of loud and universal applause coming from every corner of the world. All of the people on our planet are applauding with all their might for you and you alone. And that's because they know how TRULY GREAT and WONDERFUL you are. Everyone loves you because you are you. Thank you for being you. And thank you for being the only one who could EVER be just like you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

©2020 LMNOP (aka dONW7)