LMNOP: April 2025.

Luxtrod-73: The Magic Pill

There's a new pill that is unlike any pill that has come before. The pill is called Luxtrod-73. What's so special about this pill? Well...a lot. This is the only pill you will ever need and that is because, once swallowed, it allows you to create any pill of your choosing on command. Here's how it works. Take one Luxtrod-73 with a full glass of water and wait 30 seconds. Make a fist, close your eyes and say the words "Me Want-Um..." followed by the name of the pill that you would like. (Example: "Me Want-Um Valium.") And then...presto! Open your hand and you will find the pill of your desires magically nestled in your palm. Now some of you may very well be asking..."What about quantities?" Can I get quantities with this thing?" That's where things get interesting. While the basic Luxtrod-73 only produces one pill at a time, the Deluxe Luxtrod-73 allows you to produce unlimited quantities of whatever pills you choose. (Example: "Me Want-Um Valium and Me Want-Um 10,000 tablets.") This may all sound too good to be true but it really isn't because it is true and that is why it is so very good. You and your friends will be very happy to have all the pills you ever dreamed of having in unlimited quantities. Want uppers? You've got 'em. Need downers? Just say the word. Want some specialty pills that aren't available from pharmacies? They are all yours just for the asking. It's like living in a world where there are no rules or restrictions because they are no longer necessary. What are real people saying about Luxtrod-73? Let's listen very closely now as real people who have tried this revolutionary product describe their real experiences.

"I really like pills! That's why I like Luxtrod-73 so much. It is the best pill! And it truly is MAGICAL!"

--- Ms. Cynthia Needle Purnt

"I don't take pills, but my friends do. Now that I take Luxtrod-73 I have friends everywhere. So many of 'em are constantly hanging out at my place that it's difficult to make 'em leave. I've got lots of money now too! Lots and lots of money, and it's all MINE."

--- Dr. Mitchell Stumpysnuff

The Go Bye-Bye Now Implant

A new brain implant is causing major controversy all around the world. Created and produced by the Japanese company Tachiwinn-Yonoma, the tiny implant gives the average human a supernatural power like no other. Using minimally invasive surgery, the Go Bye-Bye Now Implant is placed inside the cerebellum. Once in place, the individual immediately possesses the power to make other people disappear instantly. How does it work? It's very simple. All you do is look at the person (or persons) and then close your eyes. Repeat the phrase "You go bye-bye now" three times and...POOF. They're gone. And this is not temporary. Once they're gone, they're gone for good. The demand for the implant is so strong that the company can't even begin to provide enough inventory of the product. So who benefits from the implant? Just about everyone really. Those whose lives have been improved include bakers, hair stylists, realtors, bankers, waitrons, janitors, meat packers, actresses, musicians, athletes, artists, managers, secretaries, government employees...the list goes on and on forever. What is perhaps most interesting about the new implant is how it has affected the population around the globe. In the first two weeks it was available the populations on every single continent dropped by 93%. That means that over nine-tenths of the people on our planet no longer exist. And they won't be back. Is there a catch? Well, of course. There are always catches. But the catches are no big deal really if you don't fall into a couple of retarded categories that are reserved for subhumans anyway. The first requirement to be eligible for the implant is that you cannot be real stupid. How is this determined, you ask? Your stupidity is determined by the Society For the Identification Of Real Stupid People Who Don't Deserve To Be Here Anyway. And the second requirement to be eligible for the implant is that you cannot be real ugly. How is this determined, you ask? Your ugliness is determined by the Society For the Identification of Extremely Ugly People Who Are So Ugly That Everyone Else Wants Them To Go Away Anyway. But for those out there who are not ugly or stupid, the Go Bye-Bye Now implant is like a magical dream come true. But don't take our word for it. Listen to what other real people have to say after they have used the product for just one week:

"Jesus Christ Almighty. How did I ever live without the Go Bye-Bye Now Implant? I used to run around all over the place wishing everyone would disappear but that always left me feeling frustrated and anxious because they never did disappear. They just stayed where they were, making me more and more frustrated because I hated them so much and wanted them to go away. But now that I have this tiny little implant in my cerebellum, my wishes magically come true instantly! Just yesterday I made over 5,300 people disappear. The way I look at it, I am making the world a better place by removing unwanted yucky people who ruin everything for the rest of us anyway. Do I feel guilty? Hell no. Why should I feel guilty doing something that makes me feel good and makes the world a better place? Get the Go Bye-Bye Implant now before your friends do. If you don't, you may not have that option again in the very near future."

--- Mrs. Jinny-Joe Jasperation, Lincoln, NE

"My five-year-old daughter Lindy-Blu was bullied in kindergarten for months. She used to come home crying, telling stories of how all the other children made fun of her and pushed her around. Our daily family life had descended into the extreme depths of depression and severe hopelessness. We were so very very unhappy that our ears were droopy most of the time. My husband and I finally decided to have Lindy-Blu implanted with the Go Bye-Bye Now. What a difference! When we picked her up from kindergarten the next day she was absolutely glowing. When we asked how her day went, she told us that she made all the other kids go away. And then she laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. And we laughed with her because she was so very happy that it made us laugh. We hadn't laughed like that in ages. When we asked about her teacher, Lindy-Blu said that she spared the teacher because it had promised to give her a big bag of candy and some pretty new stockings. Our once gloomy unhappy daughter is now on top of the world. And we owe it all to the Go Bye-Bye Now Implant!"

--- Mr. & Mrs. Duddle V. Apple-Merchant

"I am a top-notch server at a popular hip restaurant in Seattle, Washington. So you know how I feel about human beings. They're rude, demanding, self-centered and impossible to please. Things were so out-of-control at my job that half the time I was hiding behind the counter shooting finger birds at all the jerks. But that all changed when I got the Go Bye-Bye Now Implant. Immediately afterward, all it took was one wrong action and . . . POOF. No more problem people. My manager was initially upset because customers were disappearing before they paid. But then I agreed to wait until after they paid to send them off on their invisible journey and the problem was solved. Thank you Go Bye-Bye Now Implant! Thank you for helping me rid the city of the human scum who had no right to be here anyway! Oh, and did I mention how much more beautiful and silky my hair is now? Well it is! I have the best hair in the state of Washington now! Having this little electronic thing implanted in my brain has made my life ten million times better in every way!"

--- Annie-Fawny Snootsniff, Seattle, WA

Important New Days Added

Specific days are always designated to make people aware of things depending on what day it is. Each day is important in its own way and each day has a way of making people more aware of things than they were before. Nowadays there are so many days set aside for specific things that there are very few days left. Let's take a look at some new days were added this month that are very very important.
April 4 has been identified as Worldwide Pincushion Day. On this day everyone will celebrate the important contributions pincushions have made to the modern world. Pincushions will be on display in New York City, Paris, Montreal, Madrid and Savannah, Georgia. Let's all remember to remember pincushions on this very special day. There are few things that have made a genuinely real difference in our lives the way pincushions have.
Next up is April 11 which has been identified as National Excuses Day. This one is a bit different because it has a more psychological bend to it. On National Excuses Day everyone is encouraged to make up excuses for their shortcomings and failures. Excuses are an important part of everyday life in the United States so it's about time excuses were given the recognition they so rightly deserve.
April 17 is Worldwide Day Day. This is the day when everyone celebrates all the days we have on earth as well as all the days that are yet to come. People will celebrate by getting up, eating breffus, going to work, hating their jobs, hating their spouses, scolding their children, eating lunch and dinner, going home and going to sleep at night. Worldwide Day Day has been decades in the making but it is finally now a real reality. Remember to celebrate days the way they were meant to be celebrated...by doing all the boring drab things that you do every single day of your life.
April 27 is Dysfunctional Computers Day. This is day when everyone accepts the fact that their smartphone is their enemy because it is really nothing more than a Dysfunctional Computer. They remember the days when they could actually get things done on their desktop and laptop computers and then lament the fact that they now rely on their smartphone for all their computing needs. On Dysfunctional Computers Day people will be heckled and ridiculed whenever they refer to their phone as a smartphone. They will then be given the choice of referring to it as a Dysfunctional Computer...or else. It won't be long before everyone opens up their glassy dry eyes and realizes that their phone is nothing more than a crummy third rate computer wannabe.

April 2025 Entertainment, Music and Miscellaneous News

* Robert Forster (formerly of The Go Betweens) has a new album out entitled Strawberries. Released on Germany's always impeccable Tapete Records label, the album features ten new well-crafted compositions from a man who never disappoints. * Deanna Durbin. Although the name may not ring a bell, in the age of the Great Depression Deanna Durbin was the highest paid actress in the world. And it's no wonder. Durbin was a breathtaking young lady who possessed a truly magnetic personality. Yup, she had it all. But unlike so many others who achieve super stardom and are then forever addicted to fame, she abruptly ditched her career and moved to France. We love it when folks like Durbin and Amy Winehouse do exactly what they want to do rather than let their careers be dictated by the desires of others. It's so much more admirable than folks who constantly do everything in their power to maintain their public persona over a long period of time. * Lots of new things. There are so many new things that it is almost impossible to keep track of them all. But there is one thing that is easy to remember. All of the new things are absolutely wonderful. Yes indeed, it is a remarkable world we live in. There are always hundreds of thousands of new things all the time. And you will want to pay very close attention because it is very important to purchase as many of these new things as you can. This is what brings true happiness. Happiness is derived from purchasing cool neat stuff. The more cool neat stuff you have the happier you will be. Whether we like it or not, that's just the way it is. So look and listen every waking moment so that you will be aware of all the latest new things. When you incorporate those things into your life you will look and feel ten times better than you do now. * The band Electric Blue Yonder has a new album out entitled MicroPARTY on Infinite Realty Records. This one is targeted at kids and families and is driven by the talents of the husband and wife team of Beth Hataway and Johnny Veres. The album features twelve upbeat tracks including "World of the Small," "Sun & Shower" and "Bebop Bo Bobot The Robot." * Talent contests feature the worst of the worst. Want to discover a new artist who is suddenly famous but really terrible? Tune in to any talent show because that's the place you are sure to find the most mediocre people on the planet. The contestants are those who perpetually yearn for attention and support. They are people whose talent is forgettable and generic but they have somehow managed to get their five seconds in the spotlight anyway. Support mediocre nothings. That is what you want and that is what they want you to do. Talent contests serve a purpose. They make it possible for anyone to become famous, no matter how dull and unremarkable they are. * There's a whole lot of news out there and most of it is news. Pay attention to the news because it will make you feel as if you are in touch with the world. You really aren't, of course, but that's not important. News will always capture our attention simply because it is news. * Longtime home recording artist Dino DiMuro has a new album out entitled Machine. The first to be recorded in DiMuro's new home studio, the album presents sixteen intelligent recordings with a difference. Machine is housed in a beautifully designed digipak sleeve. * The Road To The Sea is the new album from Louis Philippe & The Night Mail. Offered by Germany's Tapete Records, the album presents more highly stylized progressive pop that is reflective and arranged to perfection. * Massachusetts-based singer/songwriter Ole Danny RandomSongs has self-released an album entitled Unplugged Collection. The album features a mix of originals and cover tunes. This one stands out from the pack because of the minimalist approach. Instead of overproducing and over-layering things to death, Danny presents these songs using only the basics. It's a good idea that works. The vocals on this one are particularly appealing. * We're pleased to report that Joan Crawford is getting back together this year. Joan has been a favorite for decades so her return is more than welcome. Word is that she's getting back together to star in two new films entitled Mildred Pierced and Whatever Happened To Baby Huey. * What better way to end this month than to give an advance thumbs up for an upcoming EP from babysue favorite doubleVee. We're pleased to be one of the first to report that Periscope At Midnight (cool title) ranks right up there with the duo's previous releases. In other words, it's a total and direct HIT. This release takes a brief glimpse at the past while looking forward into the future. Two tracks are wonderful re-imaginings of Starlight Mints compositions and the other four are brand new knockout cuts. All six tracks hit the target dead center. This EP features killer artwork by Grant Fuhst. doubleVee is Allan Vest and Barb Vest. Music just doesn't get much better than this. The EP will be released July 25, 2025. *