LMNOP: March 2025.

The Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand.

We all spend so much time watching what we eat. It is an important part of staying healthy so it requires a great deal of time and attention. But what if you could eat unlimited amounts of everything you wanted and there were no negative consequences? What if you could gorge yourself silly with all the super sweet fatty foods you've always dreamed of consuming, but were afraid to do so? Well dear friends, the days of wishing and dreaming are over. The Yup-It-Is-Okay-Now Company has created a new utensil called the Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand. What does it do? Well...a LOT. How does it work? It's simple. You simply turn on the wand and wave it over your food. The Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand instantly removes all vitamins and fiber from the food. But wait, there's more. An unexpected side effect during the process is that the wand also removes all calories and fat from the food. And yet the food still TASTES THE SAME. That's right. Everything will look and taste exactly like normal. What this now means is that everyone no longer has to diet. No one has to watch what they eat. No one has to avoid eating what they love. And it's all because of the Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand. You want some testimonials, don't you? Of course you do. Everyone wants testimonials about a product because they want to believe that real people out there have used the product and are endorsing it. So here are some genuinely real testimonials from some genuinely real people who have actually used the Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand themselves:

"Oh Lord, how did I ever live without the Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand? It is a true blessing that was sent down from Heaven to answer all my prayers. I used to watch every single thing that I ate because I am so fat. But no matter what I ate it always seemed like I just got fatter and fatter. But now that I use this affordable little wand, I eat anything and everything all the time and it doesn't matter anymore. Thank you Yup-It-Is-Okay-Now Company! Thank you for making me so very happy!"
-- Mr. Elbert G. Rawnclave, Elbertson, Indiana

"No wonder everyone is talking about the Vit-No-Mo! This handy little item makes is so that I can eat all the foods that I love. Before I got this device I was afraid to eat a Whopper. Now I can eat as many as I want. Hell, my husband and I can wolf down 50 or 60 Whoppers at a single sitting and not suffer any ill effects whatsoever. And I love the fact that I can eat all the candy bars I want without worrying about calories. This thing is a miracle, I tell you. It's a real miracle that will change your life and you will like the way that it has changed your life!"
-- Ms. Natalie Whopperlover, Racine, Wisconsin

"I am a famous actress who has to look super frail and skinny all the time. It used to be very difficult maintaining my ultra-thin physique. I was only able to eat two or three ounces of food per day, and that usually consisted of nothing but lettuce and celery. Now I eat everything in sight. My daily favorites now include Crisco (right out of the can), sweetened condensed milk (right out of the can), pancake syrup (right from the bottle), uncooked cookie dough (right from the plastic loaf package), cake icing (right out of the container), powdered sugar (right out of the bag), ten-layer wedding cakes (right out of the weddings), ice cream (right out of the five gallon buckets) and high fructose corn syrup (right out of the two gallon containers). I never gain any weight now and I eat all the time. Actually I eat more than all the time. Now all I do is eat. I eat while I'm talking. I eat while I'm walking. I eat while I'm driving. I eat in the shower. I eat while I'm eating. I eat things I have already eaten. Eating is fun. I love eating. I love eating everything in sight without ever having to worry. And it's all because of the Vit-No-Mo Magic Wand! I know everything so you must believe what I am telling you!"
-- Lippy Jo Glistening (famous actress), Hollywood, California

No More Names.

It is unfortunate that there has been so much disagreement about names for the past couple of centuries. One thing is named something and then someone else comes along and says they don't like the name. Then they argue about what the name should be. And there are so many names of so many things that it all gets very confusing and overwhelming. But fortunately for all of us, a new committee has been created called The International Elimination of Names Committee. This committee has made it their mission to do away with any and all names on Earth so that people can live in peace and harmony. You may be asking, "So what replaces the names once they're gone?" And the answer, of course, is...nothing replaces them. From this point forward, when you are referring to something you just call it 'this thing over here' or 'that thing over there' or something like that. Or if you are referring to a person you just use words like 'that weird looking one' or 'that irritating little thing.' Without names everything will be much better for all of us. You might as well embrace the new world with no names because you have no choice in the matter.

The Cram Your Head Into A Bucket of Concrete Challenge.

An elderly woman in Nashville, Tennessee made a difference. Mrs. Jennifer 'Jaws' Smartlap wanted to make everyone aware. One day she mixed up a bucket of nice thick sloppy concrete in her front yard and stuck her head in it. When the concrete dried, she sat in her front yard and waited patiently. It wasn't long before a reporter came along and started taking photographs. Ms. Smartlap told him that she did what she did because she wanted to make people aware. The reporter was so impressed that he submitted an article to a national website. It wasn't long before...WHAM. Within 48 hours 'Jaws' was front page news across the country. But it didn't stop there. A hugely popular music celebrity in Hollywood decided to accept the challenge. The celebrity crammed her head into a bucket of concrete and uploaded a photograph to Social Media. She dubbed it The Cram Your Head Into A Bucket of Concrete Challenge. Suddenly everyone was talking about it and hundreds of thousands were accepting the challenge. It wasn't long before home improvement stores were running out of concrete. By the next week there were millions of people bumping around everywhere with concrete buckets on their heads. Yes indeed, everyone was suddenly aware...just like Mrs. Smartlap wanted. But at some point, a curious individual posed the ultimate question: "Exactly what is it that we're supposed to be aware of?" The question caused immediate anger nation-wide as everyone simultaneously jumped on the bandwagon to express their discontent. They began smashing their concrete with sledgehammers. This seemed to be appropriate until they all realized that when they smashed the concrete they also smashed their skulls in. And that might've been the end of it, but then one well-informed individual decided to turn the negative into a positive. After he had smashed his skull open, Mr. Alfred Lifterslabs took a photo of himself and posted it to Social Media challenging others to do the same to make everyone aware of the fact that Mrs. Smartlap's challenge was a nothing but a big hoax. He dubbed it The Challenge To Make Others Aware Of The Fact That The Cram Your Head Into A Bucket of Concrete Challenge Is A Big Fake Nothing. It wasn't long before everyone accepted the challenge and began proudly posting photographs of their busted skulls to show their support of the latest challenge. This just goes to show the power of the internet and the difference people can make when they all work together to reach a common goal.

Everything Will Be A Dollar.

In the future everything will be a dollar for fifteen seconds. Yes, you read that right. That is the mandate that was issued recently letting everyone know of a special deal on everything that is coming in the very near future. Here's how it works. A specific fifteen second time period will be assigned for the event but the general public will only be given five seconds notice beforehand. During the fifteen second period everyone can buy anything they want for just a dollar each. The offer will include everything. Real estate. Priceless art. Automobiles. Jewelry. Electronics. Storage containers. Napkins. Floral tape. Stocks. Mashed potatoes. Shower rings. Wigs. Cat toys. Furniture. Paper clips. If it can be bought or sold, it will be available. The only drawback is that the transaction must be made in cash and in person. No internet sales and no electronic payments will be accepted. So get your dollars ready, general public people. This is going to be the sale to end ALL sales. You don't want to miss it so keep your head peeled. How do you peel your head? Why any way you like, of course! Just peel it off and get those paper dollars ready because your life is about to change. In the very near future you can have anything you always wanted for almost nothing.

March 2025 Entertainment, Music and Miscellaneous News

* Music fans around the world will be elated to hear the news that Elvis Presley is getting back together. It has been many years since Presley was together so his fans are hoping for everything they are hoping for. * Solution For Rising Food Prices. People have finally solved the problem of rising food prices, and the solution is surprisingly simple. Don't buy food. That's it, pure and simple. We talked to some individuals who stopped buying and here's what they said. Melinda R. from New Jersey says, "Oh, it's wonderful. Not only do we no longer have all this stuff cluttering our kitchen but we also have tons more spare time to do the things we really enjoy." Charles M. from Maine says, "Food schmood. It all tastes bad anyway. Plus you don't even need the stuff. We've all been conditioned to think we need to eat when it's really not even necessary." Dr. Janet K. from Nevada states, "I was always frustrated because I couldn't afford the grocery items I really wanted. Now it doesn't matter because I finally decided I don't want any of them. You can believe me because doctors know everything. That's why I became one." * Nirvana news. Kurt Cobain is getting back together this year. No word yet on the release of the upcoming album. * The Invention of the Century. Inventors have been working on an invention and it is now nearly complete. Over fifty thousand inventors worked on this invention so it should be a good one. Keep your eyes peeled for this incredible new invention. * Failure Entertainment. A recent study involving over 350,000 participants concluded that the average person enjoys seeing other people fail because it makes them feel better about themselves. This personality trait exists regardless of age or gender. Most reported that when friends and associates fail it makes them chuckle in a very positive sort of way. * Free Grain of Rice. A large company is offering a free grain of rice to everyone who contacts them and gives them the code word. But finding the code word may be difficult because, at least at this point, the company is not divulging the company name or the code word. * The fine folks at the Public Eyesore and eh? labels have just released the album Strings by Cast Off Form (released on cassette). To quote directly from the press release, this one presents "a solid cedar acoustic guitar accompanied by no-input mixing and modular synthesis." Another peculiar listening experience from two of the world's most unique music labels. * Lexington, Kentucky's Transcendental Revolution label shows no signs of letting up. The label's latest offering is a vinyl LP from Retribution entitled Waiting On The World To Burn. This one is pressed on beautiful sea green vinyl and features some cool/creepy cover art of a skeleton holding the earth. Recommended for folks into hardcore and metal stuff. * Larry's Corner has a website. Those who know the place (and the man) know that Larry's Corner is the coolest coffee/comic/music shop in Stockholm, Sweden. Run by an unforgettable man named Larry Farber, the store stocks the best of the best and also serves as a small entertainment venue for underground artists. The top news this month is that Farber has his own website now. The URL is LarrysCorner.nu -- add it to your list of favorites. *