LMNOP: May 2025.

Over the past decade numerous studies have surfaced spreading fears about the increasing amount of microplastics in our bodies and on the planet in general. Scientists have conducted numerous studies showing that microplastics cause all kinds of problems for plants, animals and humans all around the globe. The situation has generally been considered dire, with a warning that something must be done to correct the problem or we will all eventually suffer the consequences. Until recently most people never questioned the problems associated with microplastics. Over time the national media has fanned the flames by presenting so much information that now the average person cannot help but feel concerned and paranoid. But over the past year an alternative point of view has surfaced among many young adults. In their view, microplastics aren't bad, they are now an ongoing part of the way things work. These acute young individuals have begun embracing microplastics because they say the overall benefits have not been adequately examined. What started the new movement is an inexpensive handheld electronic device called The Phlotogrisser-XT that 'excites' microplastics in the human body. When microplastics are excited they glow, very much like florescent paint underneath a black light. Young adults love things that glow, especially when they are at big mind-altering gatherings. News footage has surfaced showing thousands of young people dancing to music in the dark, their bodies glowing with multicolored brightness. The glowing effect changed many minds about microplastics because most people like things that are fun. One bit of information that has not received any media attention is the fact that plastic does not decay like human flesh. Accordingly, some say that over time the presence of microplastics in the human body can extend our lives and make us much less likely to suffer the effects of aging. To take advantage of this idea one company is now offering Disposable Microplastics Injectables (DMIs) that instantly introduce the tiny particles into the human body through the process of injection. The idea is that, over time, the plastic slowly takes the place of organic cells. Once most of the body has been replaced by plastic, the individual can live anywhere from 500 to 700 years longer. The extension of one's lifespan is particularly pleasing to most people. Here are some testimonials from real people whose bodies are now mainly made of microplastic particles:

"My eyesight was real bad and I had trouble breathing most of the time. But now that I'm mostly plastic everything works way better than before. Especially my heart. There's nothing better than my darn plastic heart!"
--- Ms. Jeanette Bluebutter, Ontario, Canada

"Damn it all to Hell! Folks told me I wouldn't live many more years. I was afraid of dying real soon. But my doctor told me about this newfangled injection and I decided to try the damn thing. The results are amazing! I look and feel better! Doctors are telling me that I can expect to live to be a ripe old age of 850 now. Boy I am happy! I am so happy that I just can't tell you how damn happy I am!"
--- Mr. Sherman Awfulflobber, Boston, Massachusetts

But humans aren't the only ones embracing microplastics. Animals love 'em too. Especially the ones that can talk. Here are some testimonials that offer some of their particular insights:

"I used to paddle around the pond all the time and never get any satisfaction. Now that I have microplastics in my webbed feet I can glide around ten times faster and easier! It's great being a duck, you know. But there's one thing that's better and that's being a plastic duck. You should try it. I'm trying it now so you know I must love it!"
--- A cute little duck in Omaha, Nebraska

"I was getting so old that I could barely hover in mid air anymore. Now I can do triple somersaults all day long and I never ever get tired! And I never get hungry, ever! Who needs those obnoxious feeders full of phony nectar? They're ridiculous. I'm a better bird now than I ever was. And it's all because I'm a much better bird than I ever was!"
--- A multi-colored father Hummingbird in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Dr. Nectarine Bliffinz says that when she was a child she loved tiny things and she also loved things that were made of plastic. When she grew up, she says she was naturally drawn to microplastics because they offered her the best of both worlds. In her book The Dumb Things We Think And The Dumb Thoughts We Has, she states: "Where on earth did I put my purse? I'm always losing the damn thing. It's either the purse or my keys. Or both. I swear I can hardly even remember to breathe lately. I wish I had something important to say. Other people say all kinds of important things. But not me. I'm a great big nothing and the only things I can say are stupid things that dumb people say. I guess that's all for now. Wow. I'm such a loser."

Dr. Bliffinz has been on numerous national talk shows over the past few months making others aware of her profound thoughts. If anyone knows anything about microplastics, it is Dr. Bliffinz. She is an important doctor who has a lot to say about things that matter.

A Visit To Mars.

Our offices on Jupiter, The Sun and Sagittarius A* have made us far more productive and happy than we thought we could ever be. These days there are so many places out there that are superior to Earth. Since we let it be known that we now operate at three different satellite office suites (in addition to our office suites on Earth), numerous individuals have suggested we set up operations on Mars as well. To decide how we felt about this we spent a week on Mars last month. Our initial reaction to the planet is, "What's the big deal?" Sure, it's more habitable than many other planets. But that's also what makes it more boring. The biggest problem we had with the red planet is that there's not much to do. Another problem is the smell. Everywhere we went we noticed a particularly odd aroma that was extremely irritating. But possibly the biggest obstacle we faced on Mars was the lack of a solid intergalactic internet connection. Technology setup on Jupiter and The Sun was a snap, taking only about an hour before we were fully up and running. Getting our offices running on Sagittarius A* was more of a challenge, mainly because there are many unpredictable elements that exist in black holes. But even though it was a challenge we had our offices operating there within two days. On Mars we spent several days on the phone with technical support. But we never found anyone who sounded like they had a clue about what was going on. While we were on hold (which was MOST of the time) we tried to find someone to play Skip To My Lou with us. Waste of time. There was not a single individual on Mars who would even entertain the idea of playing the game with us. B-O-R-I-N-G. Shopping on this crummy planet is virtually non-existent. The grocery stores are pathetic. The department stores are the worst with salespeople who apparently don't give a damn about anything. And we want to let everyone know that parties on Mars are the worst we have ever attended. And you can bet your very best Sunday booties that we've been to enough parties to know. So now you may be asking, "When are you going to set up office suites on Mars?" The answer is a stern and definite..."NEVER!" Not only are we NOT setting up offices there, we also aren't ever EVER going back to visit that horrible planet. Sheesh, being on Mars is almost as bad as being in . . . Atlanta. Mars, Schmars. What a dumb place. No wonder so many people are fascinated with the idea of inhabiting it. Mars is completely drab and generic.

How To Calculate The Mass Of An Object.

The idea of mass is very confusing to most people. Mass is not weight and it is not size. Mass is something else that is more crucial and fundamental. It is sometimes low and sometimes high, sometimes hot and sometimes cold, but it is always there. Because mass is so critically important to us all it is extremely important that we be able to measure it. That is where calculations come in handy. When we calculate things we measure them in a very specific way. It is a way that is profound and wonderful. And when we closely study anything we are able to find out exactly how profound and wonderful that thing really is. So how do we calculate mass? Is it difficult or is it real easy? Actually, it is both. Calculating mass is difficult and also real easy. Here's how it works. Take any object and assign it the number 50 (fifty). Then take the number you have given the item and multiply it times 1 (one). Add 0 (zero) and you have the initial 'pre-mass' sum, calculated as follows:

50
x 1

50
+0

= 50
(initial pre-mass sum)

Once you have the pre-mass sum you then multiply it times 10 (ten). Then add 100 (one hundred). Then subtract 100 (one hundred). Then divide by ten (10). And there you have it. The exact mass of the thing is 50 (fifty). Difficult and easy, see? Here it is in plain black and white:

50
x 10

500
+ 100

600
- 100

500
divided by 10

= 50

But how does one initially assign the number to the thing, like in the number 50 (fifty) above? Simple. Every thing is initially assigned the number 50 (fifty). And after all the calculations are complete, all things end up with a mass of 50 (fifty). See? Do you see how things work now? Can you understand how to calculate mass? Do you get it? It's easy. It's easy and difficult. All things have a mass of 50 (fifty) once you complete all the calculations. And this is how we calculate the mass of an object (above), no matter how big or small it is.

May 2025 Entertainment, Music and Miscellaneous News

* After a very long absence, and much to everyone's surprise, Hank Williams is getting back together this year. One of the originals of country music, Williams' return will no doubt delight all of his fans. Reports suggest that the first new single for 2025 will be "My Reactivated Beatin' Heart." * Earth will stop rotating in 2026. Scientists are not sure why, but they have determined that mid-way through next year Earth will stop rotating on it's axis. This is bound to change all kinds of things everywhere, although folks cannot generally agree on exactly what those changes will be. * One Channel. Beginning immediately there will only be one television channel because experts have agreed that only one channel is necessary. The lone channel will broadcast everything simultaneously so that the viewer will be seeing over fifteen thousand programs at the same time on the same screen. Video and audio filters will be made available so that viewers can siphon out the exact thing they are interested in seeing. * Artificial Steak. To make things more sustainable steaks will soon be made from popcorn. These new steaks look and taste entirely different from traditional steaks but apparently people are willing to accept the strange flavor and texture in order to make things sustainable. There's a lot to be said for sustainable things. So will must report that everything will be sustainable soon. Just as soon as everything is totally sustainable. * Age Specificity. People's ages have been far too vague for far too long. As such, two very important agencies have come up with a solution. Instead of rounding off ages to the nearest year, a decimal point and additional numbers will be added so that others will know more exactly how old you are. Instead of telling someone you are 25, you will now say you are 25.3797189735. Problem solved. * New Hamburger Franchise expected to be HUGE. A new hamburger chain has just opened 500 restaurants and it's bound to be a big hit among consumers. The name is DocMonald's, and it promises to offer the cheapest fast food on the planet. The basic hamburger sells for five cents and, fries are just a penny and drinks are seven cents. People are lining up for blocks to get a taste of the cheapest new fast food on the planet. Keep your eyes peeled for a DocMonald's opening soon near you. * Better British Humor. The folks in Great Britain have always surpassed America in the world of bizarre humor. Shows like The League of Gentlemen and Little Britain were popular in Great Britain but were obviously much too far out for folks in the U.S.A. But both shows have been extremely influential over the years. We didn't realize it until recently but many Little Britain skits were based on ideas first presented in The League of Gentlemen. Both shows demonstrate just how funny folks can be when they aren't concerned about offending others or rubbing people the wrong way. Apparently truly absurd British humor got its start with The Goon Show which led to Monty Python's Flying Circus which led to The League of Gentlemen which led to Little Britain. There are others, of course, including the wonderfully peculiar Armstrong & Miller Show, always a mega-favorite around these here plush office suites. *